There’s a number of restaurants that aren’t on this list, even though I’ve been to them several times. The reason Gladstone’s has taken this long to make it is because of two reasons: 1) every time I go I order a burger or steak because everything I want is too expensive for me to justify, and 2) we always go with the same friends whom we love dearly and it’s more fun to watch them go berserk for the seafood. The truth is that fish bores me even though I know it’s good for me. I love living near the water but have little interest in going in it or eating from its depths. I guess it provides me with an inner sustenance. Some of the best memories from my youth in Baltimore involve going to Phillip’s in the Inner Harbor, strapping on a bib, cracking open a Maryland blue crab, and relishing every moment of delicious pain as Old Bay seasoning seeped into the tiny slices made by the razor sharp shell fragments. Scooping yellow “mustard” out of the females and digging for precious treasure in the deep chambers of the crustacean. The Maryland blue crab has been overfished out of existence, so those memories are all that are left of my relationship with the crab. I’ve gone back home and had the Louisiana blue crab substitute, but somehow it was like visiting my old elementary school: everything was smaller and harder to navigate. Gladstone’s has lines miles long for their seafood bonanzas, but since seafood for me is more of a communal experience than a gastronomic one I’ll simply enjoy the company more than the food.

(310) 454-3474, 17300 Pacific Coast Highway, Pacific Palisades

This family owned restaurant is a neighborhood favorite and you can expect a wait on cold, rainy nights when you’re looking for comfort food. Like El Coyote, Garden of Taxco fulfills your stereotypical Mexican restaurant needs, but the approach is more of being in someone’s patio rather than a theme park that serves booze. The owner gave us a warm rehearsed litany welcoming us to his home, then rattled off the meat choices that would form the main course of a set meal. The meal includes a taco, an enchilada, and a heaping plate of meat, rice, and beans. Go enough times to Garden of Taxco and you can enjoy turning tents into your new pants.

1113 N Harper Ave, West Hollywood

There are two Gaby’s locations, both have absolutely amazing food, but the Marina del Rey spot is the only one worth going to – unless you like dining in a parking lot with music blasting from crappy speakers while choking on cigarette smoke and hookah pipes. The Marina del Rey location has a small inside with about eight tables, though the patio is definitely the place to sit to gawk at beach pedestrians. Gaby’s Mediterranean serves your expected lamb, beef, and chicken shish kebab and gyros, but with a distinctly Lebanese flair. They use liberal amounts of zatar spice, a delicious concoction of flavors floating in a sea of olive oil. If you can get over the texture, which sometimes feels like eating a dirty shag carpet, your tongue will be awash in a sea of exotic goodness. Try Bruce’s Zatar Pizza, a split pita covered in zatar, cheese, tomatoes, and onions. Mind blowingly good. The labna is consistently fresh and adds a wonderful sour zing to anything you put it on.

10445 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles and 20 Washington Blvd, Marina del Rey

OK hipsters, once upon a time there was this little movie called Swingers, which starred a thick necked talentless goon named John Favrau and an even less talented corpse named Vince Vaughn. This movie took place around Silver Lake and Vermont Village, in the old parts of Los Angeles that go back to the twenties. For a while there, due to the popularity of the movie, you couldn’t get into any of the clubs or dive restaurants because every moron in the town had slipped on a pair of tiger skin loafers and a polyester bowling shirt and had begged his girlfriend to wear Betty page hair. Now the scene has quieted down, and all that is left are the same old clubs like the Derby and the Dresden room, and the restaurant that still has style, Fred 62. The food here is hit or miss. You’ll pay a bit more for the scene, but every so often you’ll get yourself a fine ass meal. Everything is priced ending with sixty two cents, which is charming at first, then ceases to make sense. I suggest avoiding the swanky fare like the Thai tofu noodle bowl and sticking to things like the meatloaf and the jalapeño mac n’ cheese belly bomb. They do burgers, sandwiches, breakfast food, and diner entrees. Ah yes, and the reason to go to Fred 62 is that they are open 24 hours, and they are not Norm’s. Two people will eat for twenty five sixty two.

(323) 667-0062, 1850 N Vermont Ave, Los Angeles

Farmer Boys was started by a cadre of Greek brothers who emigrated to southern California and opened up burger joints as they arrived. The Farmer Boy burger is a great traditional burger worth mentioning for two reasons: a generous sized double patty with avocado and bacon is $4.69, and the S. Alameda location is open 24 hours. The rest of the menu offers a very Denny’s-like variety of Things You Can Fit in a Deep Frier, and the SoCal standard, “Regardless of Our Owner’s Ethnicity We Are Mexican Line Cooks So You Can Always Have a Burrito”.

726 S. Alameda St. Los Angeles, CA

My dad was a class climber, the son of blue collar parents who married up across the railroad tracks. Unfortunately, he married a crazy psycho bitch from hell with evil parents to boot, so much of my father’s first marriage was spent lashing out in rebellion to his situation. Part of that lashing out was spending his way to happiness with material goods, so when my sister and I came along our childhoods were marked by having a father who bought cool stuff and a mother who hated being the one who had to save every penny for a rainy day. As an adult, I’ve had to reconcile my own class aspirations and happiness through conspicuous consumption with my career and life choices. I work with people who have, for all intents and purposes, infinite wealth, and sometimes acting as their proxy I can spend some of that money and briefly taste that lifestyle. Which is why I’ve spent more and more time in Beverly Hills. While I acknowledge that there is a lot of pretentious snootiness about the place, the resentment from the plebes is because the price of admission to the adult amusement park is high. Your wallet must be *this big* to ride. Sure, you can slag on the price of everything, but you’re paying for an experience and not just the base product. Those who still separate the two things are unwilling to accept the rules of a capitalist system. This is exemplified by The Farm of Beverly Hills. I’ve been consistently treated well whether dining solo, in pairs, or a group of six. They take reservations for all meals, but walk-ins are welcome. I’ve never had a bad meal here, most recently after a quick stop in at the Cheese Store next door. I had the turkey burger, which was moist and flavorful. The only better turkey burger I’ve had is at the Texas BBQ King at Figueroa and Caeser Chavez – an altogether different experience than The Farm. Our server was kind enough to ask how my friend wanted her Ahi tuna cooked with her Nicoise, which though I appreciated we both felt was kind of silly. In the past I’ve enjoyed their pizzas and sandwiches, especially their applewood smoked bacon with avocado and their BBQ beef brisket with grilled onions and cheese. Salads are also fresh, hearty, and generous, and once you get over the sticker shock, know that you could stretch one of them to a second meal. I finally had one of the giant Oreo cookies and my blood sugar swooned with delight. It might just be sweet enough to finally kill my diabetic biological mother. It’s easy to bitch about the prices of things, but I’m willing to pay more to get good customer service, friendly treatment, and quality products. My greatest joy is finding these things for bargain prices, but sometimes I just don’t want to work that hard. I’m OK paying more if I can be sure I’ll have a good experience. I’m not spending my way to happiness, but I recognize that working hard is meaningless if I curb my desires to save a few bucks and still don’t have a good time.

(310) 273-5578, 439 N Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills

“Crazy Gideon” is an Israeli electronics merchant in downtown L.A. He grabbed his schtick from “Crazy Eddie” from the east coast, a New York chain of discount electronics stores. Like many immigrants, the subtlety of American idioms like “crazy” didn’t translate for Gideon and his version of crazy is both scary, hostile, and not at all charming. Yes, his prices are insane. So is his need for a straightjacket and heavy doses of Thorazine. The same can be said for “Crazy Fish”. Under normal circumstances, fish should be fresh, prepared by a trained chef, and served by an attentive, competent staff. Oh ho ho, not at Crazy Fish! Horrible fish prepared by incompetents and served by… apparently no one. Their spicy rolls and cooked dishes tasted slathered in a heavy mayonnaise, making the gag factor higher than newbie tapioca wrestling night at Weight Watchers. The fish is not fresh, the staff barely capable, and the ambiance feels like you’re thrust into a twelve year old’s myspace page. Many people commit suicide by leaping off buildings, slitting their wrists, or hanging. Committed to your death? Come to Crazy Fish and order the blowfish.

(310) 550-8547, 9105 W Olympic Blvd, Beverly Hills

I had a family meltdown at Ciudad with my parents. We took turns going to the bathroom to have massive crying jags and the wait staff came over repeatedly to make sure we weren’t experiencing food poisoning. Very nice folks. Ciudad is a highbrow venue from the Border Grill chicks, but it’s catering to the foodie crowd who like expensive small dishes. Subsequent visits have been very pleasant, always making sure to order their mojitos. Bring the credit card, you’re looking at a surprisingly high bill, especially if you order drinks. One bill was over a hundred bucks for three of us eating simply.

(213) 486-5171, 445 S Figueroa St #100, downtown Los Angeles

Cafe Bizou exists to prove you can achieve fine dining at down to earth prices. That’s why there you’re going to need reservations no matter when you want to go, and there’s always a full house. The menu is stellar standard French bistro fare – fish, steak, rack of lamb with mint. But you can add a salad for less than two bucks and they have a reasonable corkage fee for BYOB. This is great food for those of us who want to eat well without breaking the bank. The rack of lamb is the most expensive entree and it’s about eighteen bucks! The Sherman Oaks location is a rabbit’s warren made of tents, while the Santa Monica location is a large portion of the Water Garden office complex. Both have delivered outstanding meals every time we’ve been.

(310) 582-8203, 2450 Colorado Ave., Santa Monica
(818) 788-3536, 14016 Ventura Blvd., Sherman Oaks
(626) 792-9923, 91 N Raymond Ave., Pasadena