Food

Barney’s is where all bar restaurants turn to five times a day to get guidance on what to serve. Not only is Barney’s home to a massive beer selection of both bottles and draft, but their newspaper format menu is a nirvana of sloppy greasebomb foods. They claim to be home to the second best chili in Los Angeles, and they refuse to tell you who has the best. Potato skins are two giant scooped out potatoes crammed in whatever toppings you can imagine. They have gargantuan salads, monster sandwiches, and an almost infinite selection of beers to go with them. Hands down, my favorite burger is the Dagwood: bacon, cheese, chili, sour cream, and a fried egg along with all the standard additions. Have fun unhinging your jaw to take a bite. Have fun unhinging your pants afterwards. Once you add a beer to your order you’re looking at close to thirty bucks for two people.

8447 Santa Monica Blvd., West Hollywood, (323) 654-2287

Spectacular! I phoned in an order and was guided through my menu choices by a delightful girl who insisted I try the pulled pork as my first taste of their food. I would have had the baby back ribs, but I was working for a client and couldn’t have sauce all over my hands as I worked on their computers. The pulled pork tasted like some amazing baked bread, the okra was garlicky delicious, and the collard greens lasted all of two seconds before I inhaled it (little chunks of bacon inside – caution). And get this – their corn on the cobb was smothered in chipotle butter and cheese. Mein gott! I cannot wait to go in person, try everything else on the menu, and proffer my sincere thanks for the great recommendations. I paid twenty bucks (including the delivery tip).

444 Lincoln Blvd. Venice, CA, (310) 396-7675

My residential trajectory in Los Angeles has been distinctly south west: towards water. No matter how many people tell me Eagle Rock and Silver Lake are enclaves of artist hipsters where I would find community, there’s nothing there that compares to living as close as you can to a giant body of water. The air in the northeast of the city sucks, the traffic is a nightmare, and have you seen the size of their potholes? The reason it’s a hipster enclave is because hipsters reject mainstream ideals to be iconoclasts. But the one thing the mainstream has right is a lifestyle of clean air, blue skies, and tidal balance. And for those of you who may criticize that I just haven’t spent enough time in the north east to appreciate it, I’ll have you know that the same weekend we went to Auntie Em’s Kitchen, I also ran the inaugural City of Angels Half Marathon which started at Travel Town in Griffith Park, crossed Los Feliz to descend into Silver Lake, traversed Echo Park and the lake, and climbed downtown to Civic Center. My wife has worked downtown for six years, I’ve driven all over Mt. Washington, and several of the “Eames-era” knockoffs in our house are from various parts of the north east craigslist community. Every second I am there the dominant thought is “sure, it’s nice, but couldn’t it be closer to the water?” I want my Case Study house with ocean views. With that in mind I’m both delighted and depressed to find a place like Auntie Em’s, because it’s so good I want it closer to where I live – I would eat here all the time! Of course, if it was on the west side it wouldn’t be what it is: a fabulous neighborhood cafe whose casual environment belies its exceptional, original quality. If it were located in Santa Monica it would be twice as expensive, five times as pretentious, and the coffee would suck. Everything at Auntie Em’s is made from scratch, and if not, is bought from small farms or artisnal cheese makers. Open faced breakfast sandwiches are generously portioned, and paired with a bottomless cup of coffee will set a pleasant tone for your weekend. The desserts look spectacular (and are made on the premises), and word is that their red velvet cupcakes are perfect. Auntie Em’s Kitchen changes their menu to reflect the season; another hallmark of an establishment that curates its food rather than simply serving it. This place is clearly a labor of love for food and community, damn it. I want to come back every day and be a regular, I want to spend a fortune in their adjunct market and go cheese-crazy, I want to indulge in their Farmer’s Market dinner. Sadly, it will be some time before I make it back because it’s really, really, really fucking far away. Two can eat blissfully well for $25.

4616 Eagle Rock Blvd, Los Angeles, (323) 255-0800

I used to consider becoming a grownup the day you take responsibility for your actions. I’m changing my attitude. The day you become a grownup is the day you no longer crave candy bars and chips and instead drool over a salt bagel with manchego and fig jam. The Artisan Cheese Gallery is one of just a few real cheese shops in town, and while their selection is not as expansive as the Cheese Store of Beverly Hills, it is cultivated with care. One could make the argument that it’s not how many Epoisse a store carries, as long as the one stocked is the best. In the case of the Artisan Cheese Gallery, they stock a fine Epoisse, as well as a good spread of everything else (raw sheep, cow, and goat choices, hard and soft cheeses, stinky and non). Their staff is very friendly and those I spoke with knew what they liked and could guide anyone from a novice to a pro chef. They also have a kitchen that serves sandwiches and salads made with their cheeses. I asked for something that would knock my socks off, and they served me a sandwich of duck confit, fig jam, and a mystery white cheese (probably a gouda) on focaccia. It was delicious. Perfect, in fact. I could eat that sandwich every day and die a happy man. I’d die a young, happy man and my epitaph would read, “Became fois gras.” They also have a wide selection of dry goods, pastas and gourmet peanut butters, biscuits and crackers, and anything you might need to put together a cheese tasting party if you found yourself stuck in the valley desperately seeking fromage. (As opposed to being stuck in the valley looking for frottage, which is ridiculously easy to find.) As with all things grownup, expect to pay adult prices for the experience.

(818) 505-0207, 12023 Ventura Blvd, Studio City, CA