Jews were screwed when fast food came along and threw cheese on top of everything. Not only is processed burger and chicken meat wholly unkosher, it’s also modified the country’s palette to accept the washed out flavor of the meat as being the norm. Nathan’s is a kosher fast food joint that prepares tasty food to feed your crappetite prepared under Rabbinical supervision. Just like the rest of the fast food universe no language skills are required to order – big pictures above the cash registers of corn dogs, chicken burgers, and hamburgers are there to assist your ordering. Sullen Hassidic teens (or slave labor from the Chabad mines) work the till. Even a corner sink in the back to lave before you knosh. Besides owning the goy Kenny Rodger’s Roasters chain, Nathan’s also owns my favorite fast food restaurant from when I was a wee bairn in suburban Baltimore: Arthur Treacher’s Fish & Chips! It appears that Arthur Treacher’s exists only as a brand; no more of his fish shops grace the earth.

9216 W Pico Blvd

Nate N’ Al’s has been a Beverly Hills fixture for generations of loitering Jews. They make their own pastrami, pickle their own tongue, and the prices are shockingly sane given the stratospheric rates of shitholes like Jerry’s. While the best pastrami award goes to Langers, Nate N’ Al’s still make a great sandwich. Their chicken soup is incredibly hearty and satisfying, more so than Canter’s. It annoys me that their dessert selection is meager; I need poppy seed strudel after a Ruben more than floss. Dinner for two will run you about $25.

(310) 274-0101, 414 N Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills

Serving decent slow cooked ribs Mr. Cecil’s is a good enough place to get sit-down bbq. The ribs are small, and when I asked the waitress said that it was from the “upper meat”, St. Louis style. I know when I’m being shined on and the ribs were f’ing small. They’re served dry, as many people like so you can add your own sauce. Both the sauce and the food were forgettable – passable for bbq but not memorable to crave it again. Still, it’s one of the few sit-down restaurants serving authentic bbq in town where you can seat a large party and get messy together.

(310) 442-1550, 12244 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
(818) 905-8400, 13625 Ventura Blvd, Sherman Oaks

Milk is a well-lit ice cream parlor that also serves glorious concoctions of ice cream products which will fatten you up like a retired quarterback. Cookies and cream coated ice cream bars, dulce de leche and banana ice cream cake, muffins, pastries and more. Their ice cream is more milky than creamy, without the gag quotient in Cold Stone or others. Their milkshakes bring all the boys in the yard, and damn right, it’s better than yours.

(323) 939-6455, 8209 W 3rd St., Los Angeles

Los Angeles is up to its hips in ingénue chefs, and Josiah Citrin is one of the tops. Melisse is his flagship restaurant and if you’re looking for an ultra swank French experience, this is your place. More traditional French than California-French, this is a foodie experience for those with sophisticated palettes attuned to sauces, marinades, and complimentary flavors. Generously spaced tables in a large dining room with attention to plating, stemware, and presentation, Melisse is designed to be one of the best dining experiences you can find.

(310) 395-0881, 1104 Wilshire Blvd, Santa Monica

The lure of Matsuhisa is supposed to be the star power of its chef, Nobuyuki Matsuhisa. Nobu is the Mac Daddy of international Japanese chefs, having mastered sushi by age twenty, moved to Peru and incorporated South American seafood styles into his Kung Fu skills. Frankly, I was pretty unimpressed – especially given the price tag at the end of the meal. Four of us ate for $600. That was dinner for four, with only two drinkers. $600! And we were still hungry afterwards! Nobu’s sushi was fine, but I’ve had fresher at the locals-only sushi bars downtown for a fraction of the price. At its core the secret of sushi is the freshness and quality of the fish. Some days it’s perfect, some days you need a lot of lemon juice. I’ve been exceedingly harsh in verbal reviews of Matsuhisa to friends, because I’m one of those people who likes a good story with dramatic beats, but now that I’m committing it to searchable digital ink I suppose I should admit that the worst thing about the meal was that it was wholly forgettable – other than the sticker shock. I’m in debt to my parents for taking me out to a meal that was as much as the rent on my studio apartment at the time, God knows these places are out of my reach. But at those prices Matsuhisa is catering to a crowd most of us can’t even afford to park next to. I don’t even want to think about the price of a door ding repair on a $250,000 Bentley GT. Come to think of it, I don’t have to. An appetizer should just about cover it.

(310) 659-9639, 129 N La Cienega Blvd, Beverly Hills

Perhaps one of my favorite dishes on earth is the bastilla, a peasant pie made of layers of filo dough, quail, egg, cinnamon, and sugar. I swoon at the combination of sweet and savory, and my one attempt at making the dish failed spectacularly. I should add that I tried to make it for vegetarians, replacing quail with tofu, I was baking in Lake Tahoe at 5,000 feet elevation, and I’d never worked with filo dough before. Perhaps I should try again on more familiar turf. But why? Marrakesh does a spectacular bastilla, a gargantuan plate served family style. In fact, the best way to enjoy Marrakesh is with a large group, for the menu is set with three price options. The whole table agrees upon the price/course quantity they wish to pay, as well as a few choices of meats, and then the plates just start coming. I’ve had a few birthday parties here, as well as celebratory dinners. They’ve always done a fantastic job, attentive to our party, and gregarious in their welcome. A word of warning: Marrakesh has belly dancers who may lure you into joining them. Like airport valets, beggars in Rome, and strippers, stuffing a few dollars at them will make them go away.

13003 Ventura Blvd. Studio City