Los Angeles

Mandarette is an outstanding, reliable, somewhat upscale Chinese restaurant that serves delicious traditional Chinese dishes with superb flavors. While the menu has your favorite delivery items, Mandarette is hands above anything you can get sent to your door. When I’m in a pinch to take a friend out to dinner I can rely on Mandarette to offer a bounty of options as well as a laid-back atmosphere where everyone from celebrities to neighborhood locals can get a great dinner. Entrees tend to run between $8 and $14 depending on meat vs. seafood, and soups are shared for two at $7. Two will eat for about $50.

(323) 655-6115, 8386 Beverly Blvd, Los Angeles

With chicken diseases sweeping all over California, it’s more important that ever to know where your meat is coming from and who is preparing it. I mean, when Uganda stops accepting poultry from you, it’s time to take notice. To that end, you usually can’t go wrong with traditions that go back five thousand years. A strict kosher restaurant is supervised by rabbis to ensure that all meat is thoroughly cleaned, killed quickly and efficiently with a single slash to the throat, dried and drained of blood, and kept far away from bacteria. You will get a lot more salt from kosher meats, as they are packed in salt to pull the blood out of the carcass. But it’s better than eating congealed muck cooked into your food, that’s for sure. Magic Carpet serves traditional Yemeni cuisine, which looks a lot like most Mediterranean restaurants, but is done with a different ratio of spices. In fact, what separates most middle eastern regions from another is not what spices and ingredients they use, but which ones they favor. When you’re all drawing from the fertile crescent, it’s how much you use of your bountiful crop source that counts. Magic Carpet is like eating over at a friend’s kitchen than a regular restaurant. A vast menu of grilled and roasted beef, lamb, and chicken, soups, stews, and more. Two people can eat for thirty bucks.

(310) 652-8507, 8566 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles

The worst Mac store in all of creation
UPDATE: Mac Enthusiasts had their lawyer threaten me to edit my review. So I’m revising it, removing the parts they deemed libelous. I think it goes to prove that the store is so bad they’re willing to THREATEN TO SUE anyone who says something bad about them. Items removed are marked “redacted”. Mac Enthusiasts REDACTED should be avoided at all costs. A few years ago I purchased two DIMMs from Mac Enthusiasts. Shortly after I bought the DIMMs, they failed (redraw errors, application crashes and system freezes, culminating in a frozen startup process). Removal of the RAM instantly cured the problems and my system passed all hardware tests. I brought them back and they gave me two new DIMMs. They gave me two new *wrong* DIMMs. I brought my Mac to them and asked them to install the RAM since I did not have time to constantly fix their mistakes. They did, and a week later my computer showed major RAM failure again. I brought the machine back to Mac Enthusiasts and explained the history to a man named Mark REDACTED. Mark’s first comment was “more RAM magnifies existing problems”. I told him I had never, in over a decade of working on Macs, heard this and that was not an acceptable answer. He agreed to take my machine and remove the memory to see if the problem persisted. 45 minutes later a technician told me that they removed the RAM and my computer was still broken. I asked if they had booted from a CD-ROM, since having to reboot my computer 20 times due to bad RAM may have corrupted the boot software on the drive. The technician said he was not authorized to do this and handed the phone to Mark. Mark then proceeded to inform me that their RAM was fine and the problem must have been with my installation or otherwise my fault (based on my computer not booting after the removal of their RAM). I said that was impossible, and none of the evidence supported this. My machine worked fine for years until their RAM went in, at which point it started having catastrophic failure. In fact, the slots were not in question as I had replaced two 16mb DIMMs with their 64mb DIMMS. So far, consistently, when I removed their RAM, the machine hummed along. Mark again told me that I was blaming their RAM when there were lots of factors involved. I said that he was being evasive and difficult and the problem could be determined if he booted from the CD to determine if the issue was in the hardware. He refused to do this. He again attributed the problem to my lack of knowledge or other “unknown” factors. I explained that I worked Macintosh technical support in a retail computer store for five years, worked as a Macintosh systems administrator at a biotechnology company that was the sixteenth largest Macintosh company in the world, and then supervised system administrators in a predominantly Mac environment at a visual effects company. I’ve worked on thousands of computers, installed thousands of RAM modules, and diagnosed about every sort of Mac problem in hardware and software. This is also my personal machine, a computer I know inside and out. I know, for a fact, the problem is their RAM. I found it strange he was being defensive REDACTED. He could have simply tested my hardware by booting off a CD, finding that the machine booted he could then determine that he had sold me bad RAM again, and installed new RAM. I would have been a happy customer, he would have gained a tremendous amount of new business, and it would have cost him 1 hour of labor in the name of customer service. He refused. It got very heated the more he tried to deflect responsibility for selling bad RAM. We finally agreed for him to refund my money. I decided to give Mark one more chance. I said “what would you do in my situation? With all of the evidence pointing to the bad memory, what would you do?” Mark’s response was “I’d take the computer home and try and pinpoint the real problem.” This was too much. As Mark was typing up the return on the computer I couldn’t help but read his customer credo above him. “The customer is always right… It takes hundreds of hours to gain a customer and only a minute to lose one…Our customers are the reason we are in business…” I thought this was remarkably ironic. Mark requested that I not return to his store. I said that was fine with me, REDACTED. Ultimately, I got my money back and my computer returned to me. – although blood pressure and time high and gone. I took my machine home and connected it (with their RAM now removed). I inserted a bootable CD and my machine came up fine. It passed all hardware tests. I reinstalled my OS (because the constant reboots of a crashed computer damaged my OS) and then my computer worked flawlessly. I have been a Macintosh consultant for 13 years and would never, ever use Mac Enthusiasts. Go somewhere else, for your own sake.

10600 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles, CA

I’m in love! Brazilian barbecue, a.k.a. meat-a-go-go is pretty much my favorite thing on earth after eating at M Grill. For $28 you get the hot and cold buffet of fried bananas, yucca mashed potatoes, pork stews, salads, vegetables, and more. But the real action are the discs you’re given, green on one side and red on the other. These are indicators to the bronze Brazilian men with gleaming white teeth to bring whatever meat they have on their skewer over to your table and carve you off a hunk. There were at least six different kinds of meats being served on rotation including pork sausage, smoked pork, tri-tip, sirloin, and a limited supply of an amazing brisket. This is all you can eat meat, and M Grill does an amazing job. As my dining companion said as he flipped his disc to green, “it’s go time”.

(213) 389-2770, 3832 Wilshire Blvd, Los Angeles (enter from parking lot behind building)

I may not be the most qualified person to write this review, as the 2007 Kaiser Permanente Los Angeles Triathlon was my first triathlon, I did the shorter, Sprint distance, and I came in 35th out of 52 in my age category. But since there is no review for it yet, and Yelp is all about the average person reviewing things, I’ll give it a go. The L.A. Tri has two distances, Olympic at 0.9 mile swim, 24 mile bike, and 6.2 mile run, and the Sprint distance at 0.4 mile swim, 20 mile bike, and 3.1 mile run. The Sprint has a longer bike course due to the fact that the L.A. Tri is a point-to-point triathlon which requires the athletes to swim in the Pacific and bike to downtown L.A. for the run section. The logistics of this coordination, as well as the information provided to the athletes is the reason for the one star demerit to be discussed in a moment. The course is spectacular. L.A. was made for the triathlete with easy access to the Pacific Ocean for training, thousands of miles of roads with flats and aggressive hills for practice, and several runners clubs with thousands of members and hundreds of course options. Without touching an automobile you can train all three events almost year-round. The course of the L.A. Triathlon exploits these features and gives the participants a grand overview of the geography of the city. The swim in Venice is situated around the existing surf facilities – showers, toilets, the Venice Pier, and all that gorgeous coastline with a surf that predictably shifts every five to ten minutes. The T1 transition area is in a parking lot, and you emerge with your bike onto Venice Blvd. The bike course moves through a dozen or more neighborhoods, each one with a different feel and slightly different climate. Venice, to Fairfax, to Hollywood, to Echo Park, to Downtown L.A. is truly diverse scenery. Climaxing with a monster bomb down Grand Avenue, flying at 50mph, the bike course zig zags to a finish at the Convention Center. With a long T2 area you have plenty of time to feel the agony of transitioning to the run portion, rack your bike, and then trot onto the run course where you get the thrill of running up that Grand Avenue hill that was so exhilarating to flash down. The downtown run gives friends and family ample room to setup and cheer you on, if you’re lucky enough to have people there for you. Even if you’re not, tri-fans are enthusiastic and triathletes deeply appreciative of support. My issue with the event is that during the swim portion the buoy markers were not clear and there was a lot of confusion between the athletes and the race directors. I asked the race president, on the lifeguard tower with mic in hand, what the Sprint course buoys were. He told me, “left at the far red buoy, left at the yellow buoy, left at the second yellow buoy, right at the inside red buoy.” Seemed right to me. My wave hits the water, we charge the surf in a reverse D-Day, and when we hit the first red buoy the lifeguards in the water start shouting for us to swim towards the second yellow buoy. “But they told us to round the far yellow buoy!” we yelled. “Sprint goes that way!” they yelled. So we went. Every single one of us sardines. Prior to our Sprint wave, the second wave of Olympic Distance men got confused and, duck-like, fifty men followed one lost swimmer around the first buoy – the lifeguards had all clustered at the far end of the course to guide the elite men’s pack leaving the amateur and regular guys to fend for themselves. This was corrected in later waves, but the second wave of men just got screwed. The T2 transition area turned out to be two long corridors of bike racks, as opposed to the more square T1 area. The T1 area made for faster in-and-out changeovers, while the long, narrow column of T2 added significant time in running along the rows until the rack was located. And lastly, nothing shows the failure of LAUSD than the very nice kid volunteers who brought the T1 bags from Venice to downtown and just had no idea how numbers work. T1 bags were supposed to be grouped by bib number, tied to the bag itself. But the kids, who were very friendly and enthusiastic, were either illiterate or didn’t care and just piled bags willy-nilly. This made for a fun game of very tired and brain dead athletes trying to find their stuff. These are not huge complaints. In a race of this size and complexity it’s a wonder it happens at all in a city this big and hostile to interruption. But it’s also an amazing race, and triathletes are an incredibly friendly, gregarious bunch who just love to have fun and compete in exciting areas. I’m thrilled to have found my sport, and I’m already booking up my race calendar for next year’s season. The L.A. Tri will absolutely be on that list.

Lakeshore is my secret weapon. My wife and I are in a minority in that we’re in our thirties, we don’t have kids, and we most certainly do NOT anthropomorphize our dogs. This is not to say we are unfamiliar with children. Far from it. We’re regularly infested with kids. Relatives, friends, neighbors, all of them have expanded their carbon footprints by popping out one or two of these little “miracles”. I’m all for devaluing the term “miracle” by applying it towards the biological imperative of reproduction. If a sadomasochist twist like Mother Theresa can be seen to have performed miracles, then perhaps we can just move on without the promotion to sainthood. “Fine. It’s a miracle. Take a look at Calcutta – it’s filled with miracles. Now can we ease the suffering of the poor instead of seeing pain as a path to salvation in your sick, barbaric, warped religion? Thanks.” But now that we’ve moved past the parade of weddings we’ve graduated to the onslaught of children. (A childless friend of ours had the idea of having a birthday party for her dog and inviting only the parents of the kids that she had bought presents for over the years. Sure, we’d love to think there’s no such thing as quid pro quo in gift giving, but imagine decades of that shit. I’d throw a party for my hat at that point.) Gifts for kids are a trick sack – a toy is pointless, excessive, and the domain of grandparents. Donations to charities are a great idea, but sometimes you don’t want to be *that* much of a hippie. Thus, Lakeshore. Educational games, learning kits, craft supplies, and pretty much everything you could need for the K-12 experience. Laminated posters of human anatomy to fish species to multiplication tables, modeling clay, board games, sheets of felt, rolls of plastic, und so weite. If it’s designed to facilitate learning, Lakeshore has it. It’s arranged by grade and age so picking out an appropriate item is ridiculously easy. Their prices are outstanding and their clerks can offer pointed guidance about pretty much everything. They even know their state capitals. Teachers get a discount and can get one of those dangly keychain membership cards. They frequently have sales in the middle aisle to make space for all the new stuff they bring in. If you’re ever at a loss for what to give your breeder friends, Lakeshore is your place. You were expecting me to make a pedophile joke somewhere, weren’t you?

(310) 559-9630, 8888 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles

Jumbo’s is certainly one of the most surreal strip club experiences I’ve ever had. A friend of mine, recently returned from reporting on the Serb/Croatian war, came to visit me in L.A. wanting a rollicking good time to get his mind off the Serbian rape houses, mass graves, and torture chambers he had been reporting on for the last two years. I happily drove him on a bar crawl, along with another friend, a reporter for the UK Independent. (As a side note, if you ever have a chance to go on a drunk crawl with two foreign correspondents, I HIGHLY recommend it.) I saved the best for last. Our final destination was Jumbo’s Clown Room. Why Jumbo’s? Because you can see high class ass at The Grove these days. If you want to see GOOD plastic surgery, just walk about Beverly Hills, or run along the Santa Monica beaches. You’ve got to dig to find despair on display. You’ve got to turn off the light and wait for the floor to start moving. In Los Angeles, we hide our deformed cousin in the attic and stuff a rag in his mouth while the neighbors come and visit. Those scratching sounds you hear are the denizens of east Hollywood demanding to be saved. Jumbo’s did not disappoint. My friend recognized the accent of the bar wench and they began having a long conversation in German. A half eaten birthday cake sagged off the side of the stage, while the dancer slowly churned her torso under breasts that had been bolted on like a doctor had juiced two grapefruits on her chest and left them. The decor can only be described as your grandma’s living room circa 1962. I only wish there was more plastic on the furniture.

(323) 666-1187, 5153 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angeles

J.R.’s proves you have to go into the places that look somewhat seedy to find really good food. J.R.’s is on the bend on La Cienega, just past Washington Blvd tucked beside office supply liquidators and furniture warehouses. It is well worth the trip for L.A.’s best barbeque, sweet and tangy, tender and exploding with flavor. Lunches are, for good reason, packed at the U shaped counter. For dessert, you can order a 7-Up pound cake if you have any room left at all. Average price for two people is about twenty bucks before tip.

(310) 837-6838, 3055 La Cienega, south of Washington, Culver City

I have to hand it to them, this is a damn good pastrami sandwich. But the best in town is at Langer’s (see other review). Johnny’s will do quite nicely, a sloppy whopper of a pastrami sandwich slathered with sauce and served on sourdough bread. The place itself is often packed, and it feels like an old diner that’s been there for decades. They also make a great shake and really good fries to go with your beef-a-rama. Any place where you bring the smell of the deep frier outside with you should indicate you’re paying $8 tops for a sandwich.

4017 Sepulveda, just south of Washington Place, Culver City

Joe Peeps’ is the “home of the 5,969 calorie pizza”. It’s not a deep dish, but it’s piled so high with toppings and goodies that the crust has to be a little more spongy to safely accommodate the weight of the toppings. Joe Peep’s is a fantastic pizza, and it will woo both thin crust and thick crust lovers alike with the quality of its pies. I strongly recommend the all meat pizza (pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, and more) with mild banana peppers. There is also a kick ass vegetarian pizza with more veggie options that I care to type here. And as for delivery, Joe Peep’s will deliver anywhere in the world. You just have to pay for the delivery cost. If you eat in, expect a New York style pizza bodega covered in magic marker graffiti. The cost is higher than the chains, you can expect to shell out $20-$30 for a large or extra large pie – but it’s so worth it.

12460 Magnolia Blvd, @ Whitsett, North Hollywood