Dining (and more) in L.A.

Last updated March, 2008
Rating guide: 1-5 stars: *=bad, **=not so bad, ***=good &/or reliable, ****= very good, ****=freakin' outstanding; 1-4 dollar signs: $=up to ten bucks per person and $$$$=forty or more per person before tax and tip.
You can also read my reviews at http://grrhss.yelp.com
Non-restaurant reviews are in italics.

West of the 405	405 to 110, N of Wilshire	405 to 110, South of Wilshire Blvd	405 to 110, South of 10 fwy	110 Accessible	Muthafuckin' Pluto	Everywhere
Abbot's Pizza Company */$ Alejo's * / $ The Arsenal *** / $$ Audi of Santa Monica Aunt Kizzy's Backporch * / $$ Baby Blues Bar-B-Q / $$$ Bangkok West Bite / $$$ Blueberry - GONE Cafe Bizou *** / $$ Chloe - GONE Cinefile Video Club Babalu The Counter ***** / $$ El Segundo Dog Park Foodies - GONE Gaby's Mediterranean * / $$ Gladstones /$$$ Hal's Bar and Grill /$$$$ Harbor House Marina del Rey / $$$ GONE Hop Li Seafood *** / $ Jadis Jill Miller Yoga JiRaffe Joe's Restaurant **** / $$$ Le Sanctuaire Mama Voulas - GONE Maxwell's Cafe * / $$ Melisse ** / $$$$ Mr. Cecil's Ribs / $$ Nate Loyal Newsroom Cafe Nichol's ** / $$ Dr. Robert N. Nolan DDS Nook * / $$ Omelet Parlor The Pasta Factory Real Food Daily / $$$ R.E.I. Ronnie's / $ Sushi Anju ** / $$ Swedish Auto Clinic Tamara's Tamales * / $$ Tajrish / $$ Triathlete Zombies 26 Beach Cafe * / $$ Uncle Darrow's / $ Westminister Off-Leash Dog Park Wabi-Sabi **/$$$$	A.O.C. * / $$$$ Barney's Beanery * / $$ Black Wave Tattoo Bossa Nova Ristorante Buddha's Belly * / $$ Cafe Fiddler's Canter's Fairfax Restaurant / $$ Cheebo * / $$ The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills Chocolat / $$$ Dr. Spiro Constance Crazy Fish * / $$$ Diddy Riese Cookies * / $ Doughboys *** / $$ Doughboys Hollywood * / $$ El Coyote Spanish Cafe / $$ Elixir - GONE EM Bistro - GONE The Farm of Beverly Hills * / $$ Gardens of Taxco * / $$ The Griddle Cafe * / $$ Joan's on 3rd * / $$ Kung Pao China Bistro * / $$ La Buca * / $$ The Little Door * / $$$$ Lucky Devils * / $$ Lucques * / $$$$ Mandarette * / $$ Matsuhisa * / $$$$ Milk / $ Mongols / $$ Newsroom Cafe Noodle Planet * / $ Osteria Mozza /$$$$ Papa Cristos / $$ Pizzaria Mozza * / $$$$ The Pig * / $$ Piper's Real Food Daily Red Seven Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles * / $ sno:la / $ Spago * / $$$$ Sofi Greek ** / $$ Stolichnaya Bakery Sweet Lady Jane Bakery / $$ Table 8 *** / $$$$ Toast Bakery Cafe * / $$	Al Gelato The Apple Pan ** / $$ The Art of Shaving Bloom / $$ Crepe To Go * / $$ Earth, Wind, and Flour ** / $$ Glatt Mart Jeff's Gourmet Kosher Sausage Factory Hamburger Habit * / $$ Hop Li Seafood Javan *** / $$ Jim Matson Automotive Junior's Kinchans Lemon Moon * / $$ Lulu's Blue Plate M Grill / $$$$ Mac Enthusiasts - AVOID Magic Carpet Manpuku Mulberry Street Pizza * / $$ Nathan's Famous Nate N' Al's Deli Ohäam ** / $$ Pico Glatt Mart Real Food Daily Rosalind's Ethiopian **** / $$ Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles Runyon Canyon Park Shamshiri Grill ***** / $$ Taylor's Steak House Twin Dragon Chinese Yogurberry	Abraham Partamian Armenian Baker Akasha */$$$ Beacon, an Asian cafe / $$$ The Boneyard - Culver City Dog Park Cagefree K-9 Camp Culver City Municipal Plunge Culver City Volvo Dinah's Family Restaurant / $$ Edie's Diner * / $ Fairy's Nails Ford's Filling Station * / $$$ Gaby's Mediterranean * / $$ Giovanni's Trattoria GODA Yoga Grand Casino Bakery Hoagies and Wings **** / $$ Howard's Famous Bacon & Avocado Burger Hu's Garden * / $ India Sweets & Spices Indo Cafe / $$ Johnny's Pastrami JR's BBQ * / $$ K-Zo * / $$$$ La Dijonaise / $$ Lakeshore Learning Store Leaf Cuisine ** / $$ The Museum of Jurassic Technology Pacifico's Mariscos Restaurant * / $$ Phillip's Barbecue * / $$ Pann's Red Brick Pizza - GONE Roll n' Rye / $$ Smitty's Famous Fish and Chips ** / $ Sterling Cleaners Surfas S&W Country Diner ** / $$ Synergy Cafe & Lounge Teaforest Tender Greens * / $$ Thai Original BBQ Restaurant Venus of Venice * / $$ Victor Jr.'s / $$ Vinoteque /$$$ X'Otik Kitchen * / $$ Wilson ** / $$$$ Woody's Bar-B-Que * / $$	Alegria Arda's Cafe */$ Burger Continental Cafe Bizou /$$ Carousel Ciudad /$$$ Clifton's Cafeteria * / $$ Cole's P.E. Buffet * / $$ Farmer Boys / $ Grand Central Market Hama Sushi Langer's Delicatessen *** / $$ Moxie / $ The Original Pantry / $$ The Original Texas Barbecue King / $$ Patina * / $$$$+ Philipe the Original * / $ Suehiro * / $$ Teishokuya of Tokyo * / $$ Vertical Wine Bistro * / $$$	Aroma Bakery ** / $$ The Artisan Cheese Gallery / $$ Auntie Em's Kitchen ** / $$ Carnival Double Dog Dare Ya Dr. Hogly Wogly's * / $$ Fred's 62 / $$ Goldy's Breakfast Bistro Inn of the Seventh Ray * / $$$$ Joe Peeps **** / $$ Jumbo's Clown Room Kung Pao China Bistro ** / $$ Marrakesh * / $$$ Mr. Cecil's Ribs / $$ Mulberry Street Pizza * / $$ Palms Thai ** / $$ Pescado Mojado * / $ Tarzana Armenian Grocery Tony's Little Italy * / $ Twain's / $ Zachary's Chicago Pizza **** / $$$	ASPCA Poison Control Center Baja Fresh Chipotle Corner Bakery CostCo Marina Del Rey El Pollo Loco Genre Magazine Green Clean L.A. L.A. Triathlon Mormons Pinkberry Zankou Chicken ***** / $$ Zara International

The best:
Best any time: Doughboys, south of WeHo
Best bang for your buck: Cafe Bizou, Pasadena, Santa Monica, Sherman Oaks
Best BBQ: JR's BBQ, Culver City
Best burger: The Counter, Santa Monica
Best deli: Langer's Deli, downtown
Best diner: S&W Country Diner, Culver City
Best fast food: Zankou Chicken
Best Japanese: K-Zo, Culver City
Best middle eastern: Shamshiri Grill, Westwood Blvd
Best place to go when someone else is paying: Lucques or Table 8, West Hollywood
Best pizza: NY style: Mulberry Street Pizza, monster style: Joe Peeps, premium extra-fancy style: Pizzaria Mozza
Best steak: Nick + Stef's, downtown
Best Thai: Palms Thai, Hollywood

Signature L.A. destinations:
Clifton's Cafeteria
India Sweets and Spices
Le Sanctuaire
Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles
Surfas

Abbots Pizza Company - pizza
1811 Pico Blvd, (310) 314-2777, 1407 Abbot Kinney Blvd, (310) 396-7334
Everything that's good about New York pizza - the zingy sauce, the crunch of a good crust, and a savory, dripping slice combined with the insanely good ingredient combinations of California invention without any of the snooty pretension of a Wolfgang or Joachim! You can get your traditional New York pie or go crazy with just about any topping you can imagine. Absolutely try their gourmet combos like the Popey's Chicken: spinach, mushroom, onion, tequila lime marinated chicken with mozzarella cheese on a garlic pesto sauce or one of their many cheese monstrosities with land mine detonations of ricotta cheese. APC boasts "home of the bagel crust pizza" and it does not disappoint. Get a poppy/seasame combo crust on your gourmet pie and revel in a yeast-enriched crunch yielding to spongy soft goodness. Best of all, most pies - gourmet or not - are available by the slice so you can experiment on the cheap. Take that, Mozza! The Venice location is best for take-out as the wooden benches out front gave me splinters. Pies run about $16.
www.abbotspizzacompany.com

Abraham Partamian Armenian Baker – Armenian grocer, wholesaler
5410 W Adams Blvd, Los Angeles
Abraham Partamian has been in his West Adams location for sixty years and has seen the neighborhood undergo pretty drastic changes, but his delicious little Armenian pizzas of lamb and peppers have been unchanged for much longer. He occupies a modest sized bakery operation supplying goods to the Armenian population of Los Angeles - second only in size to Armenia itself. Armenia is neighbored by Georgia, Turkey, and Azerbaijan. They were a very early national convert to Christianity, which placed them in religious opposition to their powerful Muslim neighbor to the west, Turkey. From 1915 to 1923 Turkey, under the Ottoman Empire, invaded Armenia and committed genocide in the mass killing of over one and a half million Armenians. Every April 24th, Martyr's Day, the Armenian youth of Southern California drive up and down Sunset Boulevard honking their horns and waving the Armenian flag. With a recorded culture of over 3500 years, Armenia is rich in its own traditions and cultural flavors that make it similar to, but distinct from its Persian neighbors and Greek roots. This is one of the things that makes living in Los Angeles so enjoyable - the diversity of cultures that have been able to maintain their identity even as their children are assimilated into the city. Abraham has a small table in the grocery, but you're better off picking up a stack of his pizzas for five bucks and heading home.

Akasha - California organic
9543 Culver Blvd, Culver City, (310) 845-1700
My wife and I were married at the Harbor House in Marina del Rey. We've gone back to celebrate our anniversary, paying too much for mediocre food but reminiscing at what a fabulous wedding we had. We'd order scallops and steak and maybe a martini or two, talk about what the last year has meant for us, and how we've grown together as people and a couple. Now that it's gone, we needed a new place. Akasha's proximity to home, beautifully designed interior, and exciting menu seemed like a good fit. My wife got reservations via OpenTable.com (sooner than the 6 week wait we'd heard about), and when I stopped in two weeks before our reservation I mentioned it was our three year wedding anniversary to the host who noted that in his computer. The previous restaurant was an Italian piano bar that avoided closure by tinting its windows to avoid discovery. The renovations were mysterious, masked by large wooden panels. From a distance one could clearly see they were gutting and updating the location with high ceilings and serious interior design work. We knew nothing about Akasha herself, or that the restaurant's renovation was part of TLC's Flip this Restaurant. After three years of marriage we're now just dumb local yokels looking for a nice dinner. Dumb yokels who know what a dining experience ought to be and an axe to grind when it's sloppy. We were greeted with an enthusiastic welcome and a congratulations on our anniversary. That was sweet. The waiter then added his kind congrats as well. We looked over the menu and gave our entire order at once - martini for the wife, glass of red for me, tumuric seared pear salad with goji berries and chevre, shiitake, roasted squash, and basil pizza as appetizers; Punjabi mung bean bowl and wild pepper scallops entrees. Nice waiter, lovely interior, great wine list and decent prices for all items. Well, mostly lovely interior. The chairs are the leather-strap variety your sleazy uncle had in his apartment in 1984. The pear salad comes out - five minutes after we ordered. No wine. No cocktail. Then the pizza shortly after, simultaneous with the wine and cocktail. I'm annoyed. There's an order to a meal, and this isn't it. Fine. We roll with it. The pear salad is stunningly mediocre. Pears aren't in season and there was maybe three slices of it. I felt like Wody Allen, "the food here is terrible - and such small portions!" Four small bits of chevre and a truckload of arugala. Salad is the Styrofoam packing of the food world and there was enough of it here to ship the chandeliers back to whatever Chinese factory that knocks off Frank Gehry furniture made them. The pizza isn't really a pizza, it's a failed foccacia with stuff on it. My wife loved her cocktail, the Emerald City, and my 2005 "Prisoner" red was spectacular. But as we're enjoying our drinks out of sync with our meal, our waiter comes over and tells us he's handing us over to another. Not a trainee, just another waiter. OK. New guy is nice enough. But a handoff? "Happy anniversary." Thanks. Entrees are served - there's still salad in the bowl and a slice of pizza on the plate. Expediter asks, "do you want me to hold the entre?" No, idiot, I want you to know better than to ask. What's the deal here, Akasha? You woo me in with your hubbub and then you hustle me through with organic grease? I understand if you've got tables to turn but this is ridiculous. We send back what's left of the styrofoam (having eaten the pear and chevre in the first two bites) and accept the entrees. I'll take them hot from the kitchen rather than warmed over and held, thank you. The scallops were outstanding and the mung bean bowl was delicious - there is no denying them that. We took our time with them, and had to ward off the busboys from taking them away. Dessert was nice, too, the salty chocolate tart was the right balance of sweet and salty. Coffee was the expected fair-trade hippie garbage. We were given our bill with another sincere congratulations on our wedding anniversary. To be fair, I don't expect a complimentary dessert, but when the staff is falling over themselves to both acknowledge my special day and get me the hell out of their restaurant I was thinking maybe a mint and a kiss. Nope. The bill before tip was $104. Whatever. It was the next day we found out that a friend had left his credit card to pay for our coffee and dessert. That never made its way to the bill. I would have forgiven the weak appetizers if we didn't feel like we were being pushed out the door. But because of the shoddy service (even though our waiters were kind, they weren't expediting) I'm docking two stars. One for the appetizers and another for the mangling of the experience. And it wasn't like they didn't know it was a special occasion - they took every opportunity to remind us that they were screwing up our night. So, Akasha, now that you're booked six weeks out and your TV show has aired how about you fix the thing?
www.akasharestaurant.com

Alejo's Presto Trattoria – Italian
4002 Lincoln Blvd at Washington Blvd, Mar Vista, (310) 822-0095
Though it bears his name, Castro Alejo is number one, divorced from his wife who got this location in the settlement, and number two, dead. His ex-wife has frozen the menu in place for probably at least a decade and it's just fine that way. Even the special menu written on a white-board hasn't changed in years. The small place is always packed along its family style long tables, and you'll always see someone who remembered to bring their own wine. Everything on the menu is good. Come to Alejo's expecting a garlic bomb. When I worked for idiots, nothing would give me more pleasure than eating a whole order of garlic linguini with mushrooms and then working on the CFO's computer while breathing all over him. What a schmuck. He deserved it. Pasta dishes are about seven dollars.

Alegria – home cooked Mexican food
3510 W Sunset Blvd, Silver Lake, (323) 913-1422
Coming into Nadine Trujillo’s kitchen is like being invited into her home (with her daughters, Denise and Jackie, too). Everything here is cooked from genuine home brewed recipes, from the salsa to the mole, to the tacos a la crema that are considered some of the best in town.
www.alegriaonsunset.com

Al Gelato - Italian, family style
806 S Robertson Blvd, Westside, (310) 659-8069
There are those who like their red sauces tangy, and they go to Pizza Hut. Those who like it sweet go to Papa Johns. Those of us that like a lot of brown sugar in our pasta sauces can go to Al Gelato on Robertson. The pasta is served family style, from a large bowl. Order the meatball and it's the size of a baby's head. The food is good, but save room for the dessert. A vast selection of home made gelato and it's fanfreakintastic. Apparently, in God they trust, all others pay cash. Greenbacks only! Two people can eat here for twenty bucks, but the gelato will push the tab to thirty – cash only.

Amuse Café – new American cuisine - Closed as of July 2005
796 Main St. Venice, (310) 450-1956
Fuck Carl’s Jr. This $10 burger kicks ass. A host of other classy things on the menu will tantalize your taste buds, such as salads and fish. You may know this venue as Van Gogh’s ear, of the insane wall art and witty menu. Gone is the wit, but resident is the good food. Once they finish the swanky “artists lofts” next door expect prices to go up and table availability to plummet.
(Note: chefs Brooke Williamson & Nick Roberts opened Beech Wood Restaurant at 822 West Washington Blvd, Venice)

A.O.C. – swanky tapas
8022 W 3^rd St, Los Angeles, (323) 653-6359
In the past few years street food has taken over haute cuisine so you can feel like you’re cool for paying $13 for a single tasting plate of Spanish food. AOC, from the women who brought you Lucques, does it very well offering a variety of cheeses, meats, fish, and assorted vegetables alongside a generous wine accompanying each dish. This is the kind of menu people call “playful” when they really mean “I paid a lot for little portions.” You’ve got to order five of these bastards to feel like you’ve eaten a meal. The faux wood menu and contemporary design will make you feel like a real foodie schmuck after you’ve eaten $100 worth of food and are still waiting for the entree. Still, the seared fish (you pay extra for it being closer to raw) and lambs are delicious, and the cheese selection is stellar. (It ought to be; AOC stands for Appellation d'Origine Controlé, the French government bureau that is responsible for guaranteeing the authenticity of foods, including cheese. Would you pay $50 per person to eat at a restaurant called FDA?) (Reviewed May 2004)
Follow up - May 2006: A.O.C. still stands as one of the best restaurants in town. But while the food was close to orgasmic in its taste, quality, beauty, and design there were a few things that got under my skin. First, don't *ever* call something family style when the entire dish weighs less than one ounce. Second, when your table tells you that they would like some cheese, and what was served is thin to the point of transparency, see what you can do about either getting more or doing something nice for them. The overarching attitude of the restaurant as conveyed by our server and the words the place uses to describe itself try to get in the way of what is an extraordinarily good meal. The wine list is amazing with options and prices that will drop your jaw. If you do the full A.O.C. experience with wine, cheese, and at least three dishes per person a group of four will run $100 per person at minimum.
www.aocwinebar.com

Apple Pan – burgers & pie!
10801 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles, (310) 475-3585
There's one waiter at the Apple Pan who is so consistently curt, yet so amazingly efficient, that all the others guys who work the U-shaped counter have to bear the weight of his reputation. Expect at least a ten minute wait for a seat at the counter-only seating, and figure out what you want - quick. Then, as you place your order for a steakburger, don't be alarmed when your waiter cuts you off and finishes your thought for you. When you've only got four things on a menu, with maybe four options on each one, how long do you think you could stand a hundred times a day, "uhhh, the... Uhhh." It's just a good thing this guy hasn't snapped yet and reached across the counter at some poor west sider and gone, "WHAT? WHAT THE CHRIST DO YOU WANT TO EAT? A BURGER? OR A FRIGGING BURGER? MORON!" Beverages served in the classic egg cups you had in school when you were five. And yes, make sure you get the apple pie. It's on the sign, dummy. It's good. The prices are shocking for being a lunch counter, but when you exist in the shadow of Nordstrom across the street I assume the real estate price is stratospheric. Two people eating burgers, drinks, and pie will have to shell out twenty five bucks. Whoa!

Arda's Cafe - salads, sandwiches, etc.
418 W 6th St., Los Angeles, (213) 689-4438
Arda's is a perfectly pleasant option for breakfast or lunch when you're downtown and either don't want to spend a fortune at a Patina Group monopoly, or risk deep fried rodent at one of the very spooky lunch bodegas. Many healthy options at Arda's with a leaning towards Mediterranean flavors. Two can eat for $25.
www.ardascafe.com

Aroma Bakery - Israeli bakery cafe
18047 Ventura Blvd, Encino, (818) 757-0477
I grew up a suburban conservative Jew; a third generation American from Ukrainian immigrants who secularized and assimilated. Israel was a concept in prayer and after 1946 a vacation spot, but New York had more to offer east coast Jews than making aliyah (good bagels and a shorter flight). Therefore it came as quite a change to find myself in Los Angeles and meeting Israelis, Jews who made aliyah (the act of going up - used to describe settlement in Israel or approaching the dais in the synagogue), Arabs, Palestinian Christians, and all the other cast of characters who define and belong to the tangible reality of Israel. Los Angeles' climate has a lot in common with Israel so it is chock full of Israeli immigrants, and if you asked random Angelenos on the street they would probably miscategorize Israelis as being a bunch of very loud Jews. Israelis are proud to nickname themselves Sabras, a prickly desert cactus. Keep this in mind when you visit Aroma, an Israeli bakery catering to expats and valley Jews. Aroma is dairy/vegetarian in order to maintain a glatt (pure) kosher kitchen, but that doesn't prevent them from having a huge menu of salads, sandwiches, pizzas, and Israeli bakery specialties which are the best reason to go. First, I had the best cup of coffee I'd tasted in the many months since I was in Greece. Then, our table shared a Jachnun, only available on the weekends, an unbelievable pastry dish of layers of dough baked for ten hours and served with tomato dip and tahini. The flavor of the Jachnun is sublime, with every bite like walking into a bakery and taking in the smell of freshly baked bread. I ordered a Malawach roll, a flaky pastry stuffed with hummus and hard boiled egg. The Ziva, also a classic dish baked in their clay oven, is perfect when stuffed with cheese and olives. Already jammed full of bread, we had to order desserts, which were just as incredible as their baked goods. Even though it's way the hell up in Encino, Aroma is worth the field trip. Plan on dropping thirty bucks for two.
www.aromabakery.com

The Arsenal, burgers and gourmet bar food
12012 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
This is, hands down, the second best burger in the city. The menu has loads of other choices, all of which look tasty, but God damn is this a good burger. Fresh and tasty beef done right in a red and black room filled with guns. Also a fashionable bar, The Arsenal comes fully loaded with goofball booze concoctions to satisfy your most queer of girl drink drunks (like me).
Update April, 2007: they now offer two new chic options: the diet du jour (bunless burger over salad), and a Kobe beef burger for two and a half bucks additional. The Kobe burger rocks, well worth the upgrade price. The fullness of the Kobe is complimented by an au jous dip and grilled onions. Super tasty!
www.arsenalbar.com

The Artisan Cheese Gallery - cheese shop
(818) 505-0207, 12023 Ventura Blvd, Studio City, CA
I used to consider becoming a grownup the day you take responsibility for your actions. I'm changing my attitude. The day you become a grownup is the day you no longer crave candy bars and chips and instead drool over a salt bagel with manchego and fig jam. The Artisan Cheese Gallery is one of just a few real cheese shops in town, and while their selection is not as expansive as the Cheese Store of Beverly Hills, it is cultivated with care. One could make the argument that it's not how many Epoisse a store carries, as long as the one stocked is the best. In the case of the Artisan Cheese Gallery, they stock a fine Epoisse, as well as a good spread of everything else (raw sheep, cow, and goat choices, hard and soft cheeses, stinky and non). Their staff is very friendly and those I spoke with knew what they liked and could guide anyone from a novice to a pro chef. They also have a kitchen that serves sandwiches and salads made with their cheeses. I asked for something that would knock my socks off, and they served me a sandwich of duck confit, fig jam, and a mystery white cheese (probably a gouda) on focaccia. It was delicious. Perfect, in fact. I could eat that sandwich every day and die a happy man. I'd die a young, happy man and my epitaph would read, "Became fois gras." They also have a wide selection of dry goods, pastas and gourmet peanut butters, biscuits and crackers, and anything you might need to put together a cheese tasting party if you found yourself stuck in the valley desperately seeking fromage. (As opposed to being stuck in the valley looking for frottage, which is ridiculously easy to find.) As with all things grownup, expect to pay adult prices for the experience.
www.artisancheesegallery.com

The Art of Shaving - barbershop
(310) 785-3993, 10250 Santa Monica Blvd, Los Angeles
This is not "manscaping". In recent years the Metrosexual Male has grown out of its gangly adolescence and into some sort of strange, beastly puberty. Magazines like Stuff and Maxim - at war with their inner Metrosexual - decided that massive doses of misogyny was the solution. I reject this asinine viewpoint and I dare anyone to call me soft while I shave with a straight razor. Stuff and Maxim are an affront to masculinity by their exploitation of women. They might as well don white robes and join the Taliban, these men who believe strength comes through the domination of women. These are the same morons who think you need more than one blade on a razor. The new Gillette Mach 12: The first blade mocks the hair. The second blade talks kindly to it. The third blade lifts up the hair's spirits so that the fourth blade can circumcise the shaft. The fifth blade is intentionally left blank. The sixth blade ran all the way home... More blades does not make the man! There is power in knowing how to use a straight razor. One man, one blade. You must learn the contours of your face and glide the razor across it while scraping off just the top layer of skin. A straight razor shave requires oils, lotions, and salves that appeal to the love of product, while serving a very real purpose at every stage: not dying by your own hand. The Art of Shaving is one of a few salons for men that offer a classic straight razor shave as well as facials and other folic grooming. They present themselves as a classic barbershop in the model of the opening scene of The Untouchables. They sell their own line of pre-shave oils, shaving soaps and creams, and aftershave balms in a variety of scents and options. I use their unscented line, which has a pleasantly neutral odor. Lemon, lavender, sandalwood, and others are also quite nice. My first visit was for an education. I wanted a traditional shave so I could learn proper technique to perform my own straight razor shaves. My barber was patient in showing me all the details I needed to know in order not to slice my face to ribbons. After much practice with a safety straight razor (purchased at the store) I graduated to a beautiful German-made razor; a gift from my father. I continue to use the Art of Shaving oils and lotions since they make an outstanding product. I also use their badger-hair brush, a variety of which can be found at the store in prices from $50-$500. They also sell gorgeous handled safety razors, mirror sets, and other grooming supplies as individual or gift sets. Have you seen Pan's Labyrinth? Do you think westerns are manly? Prove you're a real man - not through the ugly "lad mag" phenomenon, but through dragging precision-honed steel across your face every day without slitting your own throat. The rest of you misogynist pigs can take your weak-ass multi-blade embarrassments and go fuck yourselves.
www.theartofshaving.com

ASPCA Poison Control Center
(888) 426-4435
We've had the unfortunate luck to have had to call the ASPCA Poison Control Center several times for our pitbull/Basenji mix. A short list of the things she's eaten include an old bag of Hall's sugar-free cough drops, Halloween candy, an entire bottle (90 pills) of colon cleanse tablets, and a full baby diaper (thanks, brother-in-law for not telling us you tossed your spawn's waste into the trash) which we did not realize until the next day when she pooped out yellow "flavor crystals" that had sucked the moisture out of her body. Each time we've called the hotline we've been connected to an actual veterinarian quickly, who calmly and methodically had us check our dog for dangerous indications and then researched their expansive database of products for active and inactive ingredients. The times when we've had to induce vomiting we were coaxed through the process by the vet and then called back to verify our dog's health. Their requested donation of around $30 has mutated into a forced contribution of $55 per incident. It's still significantly less than an unnecessary emergency room visit. But, if it should happen that you need to go to the ER, you've done a certain amount of triage that can assist the new vet. I hope you don't need it, but to crib Steven Pressfield's description of a Spartan soldier, a dog is little but a mouth, an ass, and an appetite in between.

Audi of Santa Monica - car dealership
(310) 451-7676, 1020 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica
I won't go into full details about everything I've learned about buying cars. But in case you are interested, you can read my full advice here. I had been toying with the idea of getting a new car for a while but didn't want to saddle myself with car payments. I'm a freelance writer and my income is sporadic at best. But in the car world of accounting, a new car has monthly payments while a car you own demands repair costs in large, lump sums. My accountant urged me to lease a car since almost the entire cost could be deducted for my business. I loved the idea of a lease, since I get bored with my cars after two years. No sooner had I decided to start looking for a car then my mother called to tell me about Audi's end-of-year special moving their Audi A4 2.0T models on lease for $350/mo with no security and no down payment. After some quick internet homework determining the A4 to be a sweet ride, I ran my butt over to Santa Monica Audi, walked in the door and asked the first salesman for a test drive. Sherlock stepped up and we went for a hard-torque spin around Santa Monica. I was sold and began the process. In my relationships with celebrities I've had the occasion to witness the spending of vast sums of money on a variety of goods. By and large, money does not always buy customer service. You only have three real cell phone provider options, so the big corporations don't really care about customer service (you are disposable). There's few real choices for gas, groceries, and office supplies so you never get a high quality retail experience there, either. But around the $30,000 mark things start to change and Audi of Santa Monica is proof of this. The salesmen are nice. They spend time with you. Get you coffee. Show you all the different goofy things about your new car, like the flip down visor above the rear-view mirror and the meaning of the mystery buttons ever car has these days. When I decided I wanted the A4, they did not have the color I wanted on the lot. They said they would bring one up from Long Beach. After a week, they did not have the car. I called the GM and said that it was fine, I would wait, but the week without the car would need to be refunded or credited to my account. No car, no money. Fifteen minutes later he called back offering me a quattro (AWD) version in the color I wanted at the same lease structure. I absolutely agreed. When I brought my car in to have the iPod interface installed I was given an appointment time and a completed time estimate that they stuck to. I recently brought in my car for its 5,000 mile service, which was included in my car's lease. I had a few issues I wanted checked and they had a technician drive the car home for the night for diagnosis. They arranged a discount on a rental car, though I was hoping for a courtesy loaner. Finally, until commission sales are removed from the buying experience, and the mystery of different add-ons clarified for the customers up-front, even the best car buying experience will still be short of perfect.

Auntie Em's Kitchen - neighborhood cafe
4616 Eagle Rock Blvd, Los Angeles, (323) 255-0800
My residential trajectory in Los Angeles has been distinctly south west: towards water. No matter how many people tell me Eagle Rock and Silver Lake are enclaves of artist hipsters where I would find community, there's nothing there that compares to living as close as you can to a giant body of water. The air in the northeast of the city sucks, the traffic is a nightmare, and have you seen the size of their potholes? The reason it's a hipster enclave is because hipsters reject mainstream ideals to be iconoclasts. But the one thing the mainstream has right is a lifestyle of clean air, blue skies, and tidal balance. And for those of you who may criticize that I just haven't spent enough time in the north east to appreciate it, I'll have you know that the same weekend we went to Auntie Em's Kitchen, I also ran the inaugural City of Angels Half Marathon which started at Travel Town in Griffith Park, crossed Los Feliz to descend into Silver Lake, traversed Echo Park and the lake, and climbed downtown to Civic Center. My wife has worked downtown for six years, I've driven all over Mt. Washington, and several of the "Eames-era" knockoffs in our house are from various parts of the north east craigslist community. Every second I am there the dominant thought is "sure, it's nice, but couldn't it be closer to the water?" I want my Case Study house with ocean views. With that in mind I'm both delighted and depressed to find a place like Auntie Em's, because it's so good I want it closer to where I live - I would eat here all the time! Of course, if it was on the west side it wouldn't be what it is: a fabulous neighborhood cafe whose casual environment belies its exceptional, original quality. If it were located in Santa Monica it would be twice as expensive, five times as pretentious, and the coffee would suck. Everything at Auntie Em's is made from scratch, and if not, is bought from small farms or artisnal cheese makers. Open faced breakfast sandwiches are generously portioned, and paired with a bottomless cup of coffee will set a pleasant tone for your weekend. The desserts look spectacular (and are made on the premises), and word is that their red velvet cupcakes are perfect. Auntie Em's Kitchen changes their menu to reflect the season; another hallmark of an establishment that curates its food rather than simply serving it. This place is clearly a labor of love for food and community, damn it. I want to come back every day and be a regular, I want to spend a fortune in their adjunct market and go cheese-crazy, I want to indulge in their Farmer's Market dinner. Sadly, it will be some time before I make it back because it's really, really, really fucking far away. Two can eat blissfully well for $25.
(Reviewed December, 2006)
www.auntieemskitchen.com

Aunt Kizzy's Backporch - soul food
4325 Glencoe Ave, Marina del Rey, (310) 578-1005
Going for soul food in Marina del Rey is like going to Mexico to buy herring. The shadow of the million dollar condominiums blocking out the sun so only the privileged can enjoy the view tends to cast over everything east of Lincoln. But in the shadow of such ghastly real estate is Aunt Kizzy's Back Porch, a genuinely good soul food restaurant. The wait staff is always happy to tell you about their nighttime singing career, and if you're lucky, you can get quite the rundown of the night's specials. You will not leave hungry. Greens done right, catfish, fried okra, and yes, cone bread. Aunt Kizzy's is a belly bomb for lunch, so don't expect to go back to work afterwards. For dinner, it's a tasty night out. Two people will fall asleep on the way home thirty dollars poorer.

Baby Blues Bar-B-Q - bar-b-q
444 Lincoln Blvd. Venice, CA, (310) 396-7675
Spectacular! I phoned in an order and was guided through my menu choices by a delightful girl who insisted I try the pulled pork as my first taste of their food. I would have had the baby back ribs, but I was working for a client and couldn't have sauce all over my hands as I worked on their computers. The pulled pork tasted like some amazing baked bread, the okra was garlicky delicious, and the collard greens lasted all of two seconds before I inhaled it (little chunks of bacon inside - caution). And get this - their corn on the cobb was smothered in chipotle butter and cheese. Mein gott! I cannot wait to go in person, try everything else on the menu, and proffer my sincere thanks for the great recommendations. I paid twenty bucks (including the delivery tip).
www.babybluesbarbq.com

Baja Fresh - “MexiFresh”
All over the city
Calling Baja Fresh "Mexican food" is like calling a fish filet sandwich at McDonalds seafood. But what Baja Fresh does is make burritos and enchiladas that are a good lunch, and that offers a much better choice than the garbage fast food joints all over town. For five to seven bucks would you eat a fatty cheeseburger made of several cows and suffer a food coma, or have a big ass steak burrito with spicy baja salsa? Don't think that you're getting any regional cuisine. Just because everyone who works there is Mexican, doesn't mean anything more than a reflection of the Los Angeles minimum wage demographic. More telling of the “MexiFresh” cuisine movement, Baja Fresh was bought by Wendy’s a few years ago. A meal with drink runs about six to seven bucks. (Note - fall, 2006: Baja Fresh has been sold by Wendy's as the "MexiFresh" model was a money loser. The new owner is a Korean dude. No word if kim chee will make it into the burritos.)
www.bajafresh.com

Bangkok West - Thai
606 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica, (310) 395-9658
A great menu, good prices, and fresh ingredients. About $15 per person.

Barney's Beanery - bar food mecca
8447 Santa Monica Blvd., West Hollywood, (323) 654-2287
Barney’s is where all bar restaurants turn to five times a day to get guidance on what to serve. Not only is Barney’s home to a massive beer selection of both bottles and draft, but their newspaper format menu is a nirvana of sloppy greasebomb foods. They claim to be home to the second best chili in Los Angeles, and they refuse to tell you who has the best. Potato skins are two giant scooped out potatoes crammed in whatever toppings you can imagine. They have gargantuan salads, monster sandwiches, and an almost infinite selection of beers to go with them. Hands down, my favorite burger is the Dagwood: bacon, cheese, chili, sour cream, and a fried egg along with all the standard additions. Have fun unhinging your jaw to take a bite. Have fun unhinging your pants afterwards. Once you add a beer to your order you're looking at close to thirty bucks for two people.
www.qsbilliards.com/barneysbeanery/default.asp

Beacon, an Asian café - Asian hipster
3280 Helms Ave, Culver City, (310) 838-7500
Think Asian tapas. Small tasting portions of mediocre quality (again where “playful” = “charging a lot for tiny portions”) ordered from a plank menu. It’s part of the new modernism, paying high amounts for minimalism. Beacon is fine food, but it’s also exclusionary dining. Only people who can blow $30 a head and feel OK about still being hungry afterwards should entertain an evening here. Their fresh peach martini was good, but desperately hip feeling. The assortment of meats, veggies, and fish are all deliciously enticing but the execution left me somewhat bored. Two people are probably going to be seared for $50 minimum.
Follow-up, May 2006: I've been back to Beacon a few times, first because they were highly rated by a few decent local papers (L.A. Magazine is smoking crack for putting them in the top 25 restaurants of L.A.) and I wanted to give them a second chance. They have greatly improved their quality but it's still very hit or miss. Their starters can be bland or crafty and full of fun flavors (try the Ahi Tuna pizza). Ultimately Beacon is an OK restaurant that is trying to remain inventive and appeal to the rich modernist H.D. Buttercup shoppers. They've lowered their prices so it's more accessible for the neighborhood, but people will still be startled by the small, tapas-style portions at entree prices. Since my wife and I moved a few miles west it's no longer our neighborhood restaraunt and it's unlikely I'll be back for quite a while. (Reviewed May 2006)
www.beacon-la.com

Bite - Asian
30 Washington Blvd, Venice, (310) 305-4010
Ahh, Venice. Steaming fetid shithole that by day is filled with asshole gangsters throwing hard looks and dealing drugs and by night fills with the human garbage that are piss-stained surf era burnouts and blonde d-girls who married their USC law date-rapist fraternity boyfriends. The stretch of Washington Blvd that is the dividing line between Marina del Rey and Venice is stocked with restaurants both good (Gaby's) and bad (the rest). Bite is unfortunate because it's very good Asian cuisine, but it's trying far too hard to be hip with its fire pits and way overpriced menu. Bite offers a unique skewer menu, "Robata-Yaki", but at $2+ for each individual skewer the cost adds up quickly. We also ordered a slew of sushi, all of which was fresh, inventive, and very tasty. I'd go back, but it's just too expensive! (reviewed January 2006)

Black Wave Tattoo - tribal tattoo shop
(323) 932-1900, 118 S La Brea Ave, Los Angeles
Five years ago I wanted a pair of arm bands on each of my forearms. These were simple bands, but complicated in that I wanted them straight and symmetrical. A number of friends had recommended I check out Black Wave tattoo since they specialized in tribal tattoo work. I went with a skeptical eye, since tribal to me is overblown on every frat boy and dumb jock's upper arm. In fact, you know something is past its prime when Microsoft uses it on their box cover. Black Wave Tattoo is owned and operated by Su'a Sulu'ape Freewind. His bio can be found on Black Wave's web site, so I won't go into those details. At the time, the shop had three artists working full time. Pai Tama had apprenticed under Suluape and was in charge of the walk-ins like myself and we scheduled an appointment. What he thought would take two hours turned into eight hours for each arm. As the low man in the shop he also had to answer the phone and talk to walk-ins, so that added to the time. But he also had to smoke a bowl every half hour, and the pieces I wanted were way more challenging than he expected. Six hours to draw, two hours to ink - each arm. 16 hours over two days. The cost was reasonable, given that he underestimated completely. My total cost was $300, and I love the work. While I was at the shop - for hours - I got to watch Suluape work. The piece he was doing at the time was a landscape of Yosemite on a man's back. Suluape had taped a 4x6 color photo to the guy's shoulder and was freehanding the entire thing, just painting the image on the guy's back. It was clear that Suluape was beyond just a talented tattoo artist, he was an amazing artist period. We got to talking about the work in his book, especially the tatao - the traditional form of tattoo done with two sticks and sharpened combs, bone, and stone instead of needles. Suluape had devoted himself to the study and art of tatao, learning Maori, Samoan, and Indonesian techniques. It put the seed in my head that I would like a body stripe one day, a plum line of design running from ankle to armpit. The body stripe is beautiful (when done properly), and it directly appealed to my personal theme of imposing straight lines on forms that resist structure. My photo collage work is joined by the straight lines of the subject while fighting the innate curvature of the camera lens. And personally, I rely heavily upon reason and linear thinking to solve hard emotional problems. I decided that I wanted a body stripe, that Su'a Freewind was the only one who could do it properly, and I would wait several years to make sure I was confident in my decision. In March of 2006 I approached Su'a Freewind to do my tattoo. What followed was approximately 9 months of phone calls gently reminding the shop I was still interested. Su'a is both in high demand and also lives life on island time. Due to injury, demand and, his, well, being an artist, I got my consultation in January of 2007. In May I got the call to come in for my first session. Suluape did the lower part of my leg with a machine in order to lay down the basic geometry of the stripe. Subsequent work was done in tatao, the traditional method of tattoo. Instead of scratching the skin into a pulp, which agitates the skin in order to absorb the ink pigment, tatao is a razor sharp comb, needle, or spike at the end of a stick which is guided and struck by the artist using a petrified rod. The teeth of the comb puncture and impregnate the skin with ink. There are a wide variety of these combs, all made by hand, that Suluape can use depending on the kind of line and pattern he wants to achieve. The result, for me anyway, was a much more pleasant feeling. Like being pricked over and over by a rose bush. I will take tatao over machine work any day. The line quality is very different from the machine to the tatao. Not only is it thicker, but some of the hairpin-turn detail is lost. On a mechanical level, the invention of the tattoo gun replaced the need for stretchers - one hand inks while the other hand stretches. But the removal of people from the process also removed the social aspect of the ritual. If getting inked requires several people to lay hands on the person for hours, there is the creation of a community, however brief, focused on a single task. You just can't be as impulsive with tatao. Tattoo shops are always full of people hanging out and spitballing. In a sense, the social aspect of a modern tattoo parlor remains an echo of the community that builds around a tatao where everyone is involved in the creation of the art. We're still not done, and that is perhaps my only issue with Black Wave. The shop is run on Island Time. You must be completely flexible with your time and availability. The end result will be a work of art created by a master of his craft - on you for life. You can also read more here.
www.blackwavetattoo.com

Bloom - neighborhood cafe with a seasonal menu
(323) 934-6900, 5544 W. Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
Welcome to the organic zeitgeist. In order to open a restaurant in Los Angeles you have to make sure you advertise yourself as organic, healthy, tasy, and fun. None of these tell you anything about the food, they're just complimentary adjectives to bolster your yoga lifestyle. When Wal-Mart is considered a leader in organic produce, you know the very meaning has been diluted. A corporation that works to lower national wages, destroy unions, and avoid health care for its employees is not organic. It's footprint, in fact, is massive and destructive. Therefore, when looking for a place to eat these days I tend to raise an eyebrow at anyplace that bills itself as organic and has the decor of a Seventh Generation detergent bottle. Bloom has set up shop in an emerging part of Los Angeles - emerging from auto body shops, section 8 HUD housing, and bars on the windows. (I suppose this is the new area to watch for real estate.) The menu offers a wife variety of salads with useless descriptors like "gorgeous" and "amazing", but thankfully also includes actual incrediets such as their Asian pear and blue cheese salad or the grilled skirt steak salad. I had the turkey chili, which was flavorful and didn't taste like something out of a vat. My wife had the Bloom Gorgeous green salad and ignored the edible flowers that I guess were the gorgeous element, and we shared the brie, wild mushroom and fig jam sandwich while our dining companion had the burger. While my chili was tasty and fine, the cornbread was super, loaded with jalepenos. My wife's salad was pretty good - I liked the dressing, but she found it simply whelming. The sandwich was definitely on the right flavor track, but it felt incomplete. The seeded bread should have been toasted, with some melt to the cheese. It was served as a cold sandwich and we all agreed it would have been a much better Panini. The burger looked wonderful, and I begged off having a bite opting to come back and have it all to myself. We dipped our perfect fries in the green aioli and swooned. Dessert was a must and I have to admit the homemade fudge was satisfying, but not earth shattering. I think I need a little more tectonics to my fudge and this one didn't quite shake it. I'll go back for the burger, the prices were certainly fine for the quality of ingredients. The busboy was a little too eager to clear our plates so the last quarter of our crushed mint lemonades were gone after we got up to look at the dessert case. Our waiter was acceptably playful, thin, hair-gelled, and queer. There's a bbq-shawarma-rotisserie joint just down the street that was beckoning me back to the area, so perhaps I'll cruise back to West Pico again. Dinner for three, with two desserts, was fifty bucks.

Blueberry - (GONE)
510 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica, (310) 394-7766
Yet another California style diner/café. Blueberry adds Blueberries to everything, but I think the winner dish here is the fried chicken salad. The wait is worthwhile for this café. A hipster menu of breakfasts and lunches and a groovy place to meet a friend. Two people can eat well here for twenty five bucks.

The Boneyard - Culver City Dog Park
Duquesne, north of Jefferson Blvd, Culver City
The Boneyard was a long time coming. We donated funds early on to get it going and now we try and take our two dogs at least once a week for socializing and general activity. There's enough room to run around, but little shade. In summer it gets very hot and you should watch your dog's feet to make sure they're not getting chewed up on the grounds. It's very dusty so you'll probably want to hose down your pooch afterwards. The closest dog wash I can think of is the Dogromat down Venice Blvd, assuming you don't have a house and hose yourself. If I had my druthers I'd have more shady spots for humans and dogs to cool off, but I guess I'll have to cough up some more scratch to make that happen! Please note, new dog licensing requirements go into effect July of 2007. Since Culver City (like Santa Monica and Beverly Hills) is its own incorporated city, they can impose restrictions like this to both curb interlopers without vaccinations as well as generate revenue that goes back into city parks and services. Please register your dog!

Bossa Nova Ristorante – Brazilian
7181 W. Sunset, Hollywood, (323) 436-7999
The first good reason to go to Bossa Nova is that you can get a great meal that isn't diner grease at two in the morning. They are open very late most nights, and the quality of the food doesn't go down with the sun. A hybrid indoor and outdoor main dining area means that you'll likely share your meal with a smoker next to you, there is also a small indoor only seating area near the to-go counter. The food is Brazilian, which for gringos means "not Mexican". Plantains, salads, chicken entrees, and great bread! Two for twenty five dollars.

Buddha’s Belly – pan-asian
7475 Beverly Blvd, Los Angeles, (323) 931-8588
We were lucky enough to be served by the manager, yet another unbelievably hot Asian man in Los Angeles. Super friendly with honest recommendations. The green beans were incredible, as well as the lettuce cups. You can get a little bit of everything here, including your fill of California Zen bullshit. Superbly fresh ingredients and chefs who know enough to get out of the way of quality flavor. Beautiful attention to detail and altogether a fine experience. Not cheap, but it won’t break the bank. Expect $20 per person when it’s all said and done.
www.bbfood.com

Burger Continental - pan-Middle Eastern
535 S Lake Ave, Pasadena, (626) 792-6634
I'd hesitate to even call this "Persian" because that would actually limit it too much. Burger Continental is pan Mediterranean, Persian, Greek, Armenian, and more. Kebabs, shawarma, dolmas, and an all you can eat salad bar that always features a giant slab of salmon. I've never had a bad dish here, and on the weekends they feature live basouki and belly dancing. The waiters are funny fellows, and the beverages are served in plastic cups usually found in theme parks or strip clubs. (You can probably see the wholesaler's geographic swathe by who has these cups). Average price for two people tends to be about twenty five bucks.
www.burgercontinental.com

Café Fiddlers - café bistro/Mediterranean
(323) 931-8167, 6009 W 3rd St., at Hauser
Fiddler's is a great little bistro near LACMA, which makes it a perfect place to eat before going into the museum. I find that when I'm looking at art or when I'm shopping at a warehouse store like Ikea or CostCo I need to have a good meal beforehand. If I don't, around halfway through I'll stop processing the color scheme of the Cezanne or not knowing whether I define grass colored towels as taupe or green with a little putty. Fiddler's serves Mediterranean cuisine such as gyros and dolma, and has the feel of a French/Greek café. It's adjacent to a motel and the patio has a view of the pool. Fiddle with the numbers and you'll pay twenty five to thirty for two.

Canter's Fairfax Restaurant – Deli
(323) 651-2030, 419 N Fairfax Ave, Los Angeles
Apparently there's a rule somewhere that says if you're going to open a deli in Los Angeles, sandwiches have to cost $13. To hell with that. The whole point of corned beef is that it's cheap beef cooked enough so you can't tell you're poor. Kishka? Knishes? These are table scrapings turned into entrees by enterprising Jews. So let's not kid ourselves that delis are fine dining. Tell Jerry's and Art's to kiss your ass, you're not paying that much money for what they've got. Canter's is still too high, but it's closer to what it should be. You can get a huge sandwich for about ten bucks, and a bowl of chicken soup with noodles, kreplach, rice, and a matzo ball will only set you back five bucks. When you need an emergency dose of Jewish penicillin, Canters hits the spot. They also have a great pastry and dessert counter at the front that is worth its weight in poppy seed. Average price for two people tends to be around twenty to twenty five bucks.
www.cantersdeli.com

Café Bizou – French
(310) 582-8203, 2450 Colorado Ave., Santa Monica
(818) 788-3536, 14016 Ventura Blvd., Sherman Oaks
(626) 792-9923, 91 N Raymond Ave., Pasadena
Cafe Bizou exists to prove you can achieve fine dining at down to earth prices. That's why there you're going to need reservations no matter when you want to go, and there's always a full house. The menu is stellar standard French bistro fare - fish, steak, rack of lamb with mint. But you can add a salad for less than two bucks and they have a reasonable corkage fee for BYOB. This is great food for those of us who want to eat well without breaking the bank. The rack of lamb is the most expensive entree and it's about eighteen bucks! The Sherman Oaks location is a rabbit's warren made of tents, while the Santa Monica location is a large portion of the Water Garden office complex. Both have delivered outstanding meals every time we've been.
www.cafebizou.com

Cagefree K-9 Camp - doggie day care & kennel
(310) 202-6900, 3385 Robertson Place, Los Angeles
With 7,000 square feet of open play space, pickup and delivery of your dog, overnight, small dog, and grooming facilities, Cagefree K-9 Camp is a great place to take your dog. The staff all have a genuine love for the dogs, and mine have always been treated well. When my pitbull/basenji mix dove into a fight that had broken out around feeding time, she got the brunt of the injuries with a puncture on her ass and a bite on her back. Jill, the owner of Cagefree, took my dog to the City Of Angels 24 hour emergency room, sat with her and kept her calm, and made sure she was taken care of completely. While it would be nice to think that taking your dog to an open play space will always be risk free, they are still dogs and accidents happen. I can say that in the case of this emergency, the owner took a vested interest in making sure everything was taken care of, and gave a full and immediate briefing over the phone. I was shaken, but everything turned out well. I would recommend Cagefree for dogs that have been socialized and can hold their own in groups of dogs. You will need to do a test run with them and make sure your dog has full vaccinations before day care or boarding.
www.cagefreecanines.com

Carousel – middle eastern
(818) 246-7775, 304 N Brand Blvd, Glendale
The main restaurant feels rather upscale, but the front area and patio are all casual dining. The lentil soup here is stellar, as are the kebabs and shawarma. A kebab platter is twelve to fourteen dollars.
www.carouselrestaurant.com

Carnival – middle eastern
(818) 784-3469, 4356 Woodman Ave, Sherman Oaks
Another Persian restaurant with great kebabs and shawarma served on heaping portions of saffron rice where a kebab platter is about twelve to fourteen bucks depending on the meat combination.

Cheebo - California cuisine
(323) 850-7070, 7533 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles
Cheebo was an odd choice at first. The day-glo orange paint on the outside and initial hippie-dippy menu initially made me want to turn around and head for a burger. But Cheebo is actually outstanding food and a great place for a weekend brunch. My eye doctor and my favorite clothing store, DNA, is just down the road, so I find myself at Cheebo with the wife more often. Their brisketwich is awesome, espcially plated without bread. Since going on a diet I've excised bread almost entirely, so it's always nice to see menus who can plate their food without fuss. Cheebo also now stands as the best latte I've had since getting back from Greece. (reviewed May, 2006)
www.cheebo.com

Chloe - new American cuisine (GONE)
333 Culver Blvd., Playa del Rey
Chloe is a lovely, understated restaurant reminiscencent of Joe's on Abbot Kinney before the whole world discovered it. Granted, reservations are best made well in advance so word is spreading, but the food is well worth it. My short ribs with green beans and orzo was rich, tender, moist, and delicious. So generous a portion, in fact, that I had to take home almost a quarter. My father's chicken was something Julia Child would have swooned over, with moist chunks of bacon adding to the succulent taste. The fish was hit or miss: the halibut (not on the menu) was stupendous, while the striped bass was either great or so-so depending on the taster. If you love cheese, Chloe has a wide selection for after dinner, as well as some funky desserts to finish. My only complaint is the desserts themselves. Somehow there was a decision made to fuck up perfectly good desserts by adding fruit to them. Panna cotta does not require strawberry sorbet (I substituted vanilla gelato). Bread pudding doesn't benefit from nectarines. Discounting the dessert chef's stone fruit fetish, Chloe is a lovely place. We also had the pleasure of a progressive left waiter who was quick to quote stats from Zogby's and Gallup to support his hatred of the neocons. Nice!

The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills - cheese store
(310) 278-2855, 419 N Beverly Dr, Beverly Hills
Excluding prison rape, Eli Roth movies, and Fear Factor, have you ever put something in your mouth and wept? Before you die, hie thee to the Cheese Store of Beverly Hills and ask for a wedge of Piave and a bottle of Savannah honey. Dip the fine shaved cheese into the honey, place on tongue, and bypass years of yoga to immediate nirvana. I was turned on to the CSOBH by a friend who is a celebrity chef. For my birthday I was sent a basket of seven cheeses, fig cake, olive tapanade, homemade sun dried tomatoes, and a bottle of wine. The piave was a home run - mild with overtones of pineapple. A tub of Clarines was the stinkiest thing I'd opened in my kitchen and by far the most delicious. The world of stinky cheese opened to me and now the Clarines and a fig cake are must-gets every visit. The experience of talking with the shop workers is educational, entertaining, and it's clear that these people love their jobs. There are few things more civilized than talking about the world and being fed slices of cheese in between words. You try a few things, you talk about what you like, and when it's done they eyeball the goods and throw out a number. This is an experience where you just go in and open your wallet. They won't take advantage of you - but this is imported cheese curated as much as stocked. Any of the folks behind the counter will take the time to serve your needs, just give them time with the person in front of you. While you wait, breathe deeply the glorious mold and let it become part of you.

Chipotle - not Mexican food
Taco Bell attempts a subterfuge in its menu by trying to convince the public that reconstituting 4 ingredients in different ways begets brand new items. In some ways, they are propagating the idea that Mexicans are so stupid that all they do is move the meat from the inside of the taco into an outer layer and they have a new dish. Taco Bell is neither Mexican food nor reflective of Mexican people. So it is with refreshing honesty that the McDonald's-owned Chipotle chain embraces its Mexican-food-by-white-owners menu and lays it out simply: bowl or burrito / pick meat / choose wrath of salsa / pay extra for guac. The end result is a completely bland acceptable meal when you're trying not to eat deep fried total crap. Thankfully, their sour cream does not eject from a caulk gun. If I have to see one more teenager pretend he's Peter North while preparing my food I'm going to pitch a fit.
www.chipotle.com

Chocolat - California cuisine
(323) 651-2111, 8155 Melrose Ave, Los Angeles
Chocolat labels itself French, Italian, Asian, Neuvo Latino, but all of this is code for "too expensive and trendy for you". They are cultivating a restaurant-as-scene-to-be-seen vibe so it really doesn't matter what the food tastes like. The more shit you throw on your menu the more it just turns into California cuisine. Because what is California? It's the bastard polyracial child of the pool cleaner who is fucking the development executive's Pilates instructor wife. And really, this is the restaurant that serves that crowd. My first visit was part of a dining event party and I was terrifically underwhelmed by the buffet food being served, notably because the chafing dishes were nowhere near as warming a rack as the silicone boobs on the guests. We were surrounded by retards who think that dressing up to go out means wearing a "vintage" $200 t-shirt, plaid golf pants, and Hugo Boss jacket and somehow it works as long as you step out of a $250,000 Aston Martin V12 Vanquish. I was definitely the anthropologist doing his field study work in the jungle of Los Angeles. That is, until I ran into a friend who happened to be wearing nothing but a corset, thigh highs, and a smile and I suddenly turned into King Pimp of Player's Island. She was there as part of the evening's entertainment for the event; kind of a Cirque du Solei with less capable acrobatics made up for with far less clothing. Perfect for Chocolat's vibe. I had a few of their signature chocolate martinis, which though tasty, are as much a martini as I am ever likely to own an Aston Martin V12 Vanquish. The sole purpose of my visit was my friend who raved about their "French Disaster" cheeseburger and I am compelled to try every cheeseburger in town. We returned a few weeks later for a real meal and - surprise - the burger was mediocre and less memorable than the train wreck atmosphere. But it serves me right for going into Mel's diner and asking Alice for the fois gras. The only kind of goose Vic Tayback knows is, well, ask Flo. (Reviewed May 2006)

Cinefile Video - indie video store
(310) 312-8836, 11280 Santa Monica Blvd, Los Angeles
One of my very first jobs was working for a mom & pop video store back in Washington, D.C. The owner let me work behind the counter when I was 12, which was highly illegal given that I was renting porno movies to adults. (It only got weird when customers asked for recommendations.) I worked for the store on and off for many years, watching three movies a day, building my movie vocabulary. The independent video store is a dying, damn near dead breed. Even in L.A. there's Cinefile, Vidiots (Santa Monica), and Rocket Video (Hollywood) and that's pretty much it. Eventually even these stores will be made obsolete by V.O.D., download services, and videos-by-mail. But nothing can replace the holier-than-thou attitude of the video store clerk. Cinefile makes good on the implicit pact of the independent video store: attitude, surly condescension by video store clerks, absolute elitism regarding obscure Tanzanian bush directors, and a commitment to misanthropy in exchange for really, really hard to find and out of print material. I love Cinefile and if I lived closer I'd use them all the time. Japanese, Sudanese, or Swedish film nut? They stock non-region 1 DVDs and sell the players that can play them. (Though if you own a Mac and download mactheripper you can rip any region DVD and watch the file on your computer.) Organize your library by director and fetish? So do they. Need to know the difference between every single Police Academy movie in the Steve Gutenberg ouvre? They can probably tell you. They might hit you, but they can tell you. Sign up for the occasional email and read about all the great movies you're missing because Netflix and Blockbuster don't stock really obscure stuff. (Netflix is getting better, but Blockbuster is the evil amongst evil.) Note: SF based www.greencine.com is the online version of Cinefile, but don't tell them I said so.
www.cinefilevideo.com

Ciudad – Cuban
(213) 486-5171, 445 S Figueroa St #100, downtown Los Angeles
I had a family meltdown at Ciudad with my parents. We took turns going to the bathroom to have massive crying jags and the wait staff came over repeatedly to make sure we weren't experiencing food poisoning. Very nice folks. Ciudad is a highbrow venue from the Border Grill chicks, but it’s catering to the foodie crowd who like expensive small dishes. Subsequent visits have been very pleasant, always making sure to order their mojitos. Bring the credit card, you're looking at a surprisingly high bill, especially if you order drinks. One bill was over a hundred bucks for three of us eating simply.
www.ciudad-la.com

Clifton's Cafeteria - 1930's style cafeteria
(213) 627-1673, 648 S Broadway, Los Angeles
Today's Myspace kids are so used to pervasive advertising that they reject any overt method to manipulate their habits. I'm pleased to see this, because the success of YouTube and Myspace is due to kids looking for genuine, earnest experiences. Marketing people are desperately trying to fake their way into viral advertising, but what they don't get is that you simply can't fake earnest. A shitty movie like Napoleon Dynamite confounds studios because they can't understand why a movie without plot, structure, or Robert McKee milestones can be such a hit. It succeeds because it's earnest, and the kids who made it unconsciously infused themselves into every frame. Clifton's Cafeteria is the dining equivalent of Napoleon Dynamite. Built in the 1930's, the cafeteria restaurant was one of several line-style buffets that allowed everyone to eat and be entertained regardless of how much they wanted to spend on a meal. It was, and still is, egalitarian dining at its finest. The last of its kind, the mammoth Clifton's on Broadway is decked out in a forest woodland motif, complete with fishing bears, waterfalls, and visual treats around every corner. You must visit the little chapel in the second floor, overlooking the ground floor dining area, where a pre-recorded loop offers a brief sermon for your day. The food, well let's be honest, the food is cafeteria food. It's all made on the premises, and most of it is fine, but are you really going to Clifton's for their sloppy joes and Boston cream pie? It's all part of the authentic experience - if the food was spectacular something would be seriously wrong. Make sure you give yourself time to wander around upstairs and check out the photos of the other Clifton's locations long gone; the neon-palm tree Pacific island location was amazing. Two people can eat here for $3 or $30. (Reviewed October 2006)
www.cliftonscafeteria.com

Club Babalu - Cuban cafe
(310) 315-9747, 1620 Montana Ave, Santa Monica
While the main menu is chock full of good Cuban-inspired dishes, I find myself compelled to their unbelievable desserts. Banana pudding pie with crushed Oreos, caramel tortoise pies, and sugar, sugar, sugar! The tortillas and burritos were great, but I dream daily of their pie case. $10 per person for entrees, another $5 for dessert.

Cole’s Pacific Electric Buffet – dive meat bonanza
(213) 622-4090, 118 E 6^th St. downtown Los Angeles
Descend the pit to Cole’s and you won’t feel like you’re in Los Angeles. This has the feel of a New York or Chicago subterranean meat cave, with white shirted waiters at the buffet ready to hack and slice your way to hog heaven. Heaping slabs of beef served with the daily special vegetable and your choice of sides. Cole’s is one of the oldest restaurants in Los Angeles, and certainly one of the dankest. Worth the field trip, especially for under twenty bucks for two people.
www.colespebuffet.com

Dr. Spiro Constance - optometrist
(323) 876-3325, 7443 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles
I found Dr. Spiro Constance through an entirely L.A. method: the valet guy at L'Ermitage hotel in Beverly Hills had a smashing pair of Burberry frames. I asked where he got them and he referred me to Dr. Constance. I phoned and set up an appointment. Some things to know about Dr. Constance: he's surly, always right, generally thinks other eye doctors don't know what they're doing, and has been doing his thing for so long he doesn't care what other people think. He likes his show dogs, his race cars, motorcycles, and his time off. I find him infinitely charming. He carries a small variety of designer frames (and can order just about anything else you can find), and will be very straight forward with you about what he thinks is right for your face. He's not an aesthetician, he just knows what he's doing. He's been dealing with faces long enough that he'll tell you what looks good and what doesn't. He specializes in contact lenses, and when I switched from frames to contacts he was exceptional at getting my prescription and fit perfect. Rick, his office manager, has been with him for years and deserves a kudos for how well he manages customer service, research for frames, and navigating insurance plans. I would highly recommend Dr. Constance to anyone looking for an extremely qualified eye doctor.

The Corner Bakery – a corner bakery café
(323) 965-7999, 189 The Grove Drive
(310) 824-1314, 1019 Westwood Blvd
also downtown, Manhattan beach, etc.
Pasta dishes for six fifty, coffees, teas, and freshly baked bread. This little coffee shop restaurant is surprisingly affordable and the food is quite good as well. The layout of the Grove and subsequent parking system was apparently designed in architectural concentration camps, with reprieves given to those designers who could make the worst, most agonizing system possible. Brace yourself.
www.cornerbakery.com

The Counter - burgers
(310) 399-8383, 2901 Ocean Park Blvd Santa Monica
The best burger in all of Los Angeles can be found at The Counter. They grind their own meat. You check off items on a clipboard. You pay six bucks for the burger, but every bite is worthwhile. Though their buns are delicious I now, sadly, fall asleep when I combine my protein bombs with bread. Luckily the Counter offers a "burger in a bowl" serving your burger of choice on a bed of greens. Highly recommended, especially if you load up toppings. Given how many choices there are of toppings and sauces on their menu, expect to unhinge your jaw like a snake, or use a lots of napkins. Fax or call in your order ahead of time because word is spreading fast and it's taking longer and longer to get in for lunch. But go there now and load up, because this place is awesome.
www.thecounterburger.com

CostCo - the newly discovered 10th level of hell
(310) 821-7690, 13411 Washington Blvd, Marina Del Rey
CostCo - like domestic abuse, only the punches come in bulk. CostCo represents everything I hate about America. Big everything. Giant SUVs. People locked in their own little bubble world, oblivious to anyone else in their path, angry when they actually have to acknowledge that there are others with needs. Long lines that have no pattern of speed. The mouth-breathing zombie customers who drift in and out of lane traffic deciding if today is the day they're going to buy the ten pack of SonicCare toothbrushes. Why do I go back for the pain? Because I eat a lot of fruit. And a lot of vegetables. And drink a lot of milk. And their rotisserie chicken is both delicious and six dollars. Six dollars! Kosher smoked whitefish for two thirds less than any deli in L.A. Alaskan salmon for pennies! Scotch for my father-in-law. The occasional wetsuit. Feeding my entire film crew for $50. Hebrew slaves for a fraction of their cost on the black market. Oh, wait, sorry, that's over at Smart & Final Solution, not CostCo. Every week I tell myself, maybe this time will be different. I'll go in the morning, when the obese Escalade drivers are still taking their diabetes meds. I'll wear my headphones - I'll shut them out the same way they shut me out, right? No. CostCo will always be an abuser. All I can do is wear more padding and dive back in.

Crepe To Go - crepe kiosk
(310) 477-8385, 2117 Sawtelle Blvd, Los Angeles
Fuck you, Jerry Seinfeld, for giving us the Soup Nazi as a cultural touchstone. Every review of this place has to invoke the tired metaphor of "Crepe Nazi" to describe a half-baked gimmick for serving for half-decent crepes. If only his crepes were mind-bendingly good as to be worth the schtick. But sadly, the crepes are serviceable, tasting like they came from a bag mix. His chicken breast is seasoned with soy sauce, and his spinach seems fresh enough. The majority of his menu is fruit, syrup, jams, and other pre-packaged goods dumped onto the same crepe batter and served from behind his anonymizing wall of plastic signage. It's a dude serving street food out of a tiny kiosk in Nanotokyo. He's got to work some angle to bring in the customers, it's just a shame he spent so much time on those cheap plastic signs instead of making dynamite crepes.

Crazy Fish - sushi
(310) 550-8547, 9105 W Olympic Blvd, Beverly Hills
"Crazy Gideon" is an Israeli electronics merchant in downtown L.A. He grabbed his schtick from "Crazy Eddie" from the east coast, a New York chain of discount electronics stores. Like many immigrants, the subtlety of American idioms like "crazy" didn't translate for Gideon and his version of crazy is both scary, hostile, and not at all charming. Yes, his prices are insane. So is his need for a straightjacket and heavy doses of Thorazine. The same can be said for "Crazy Fish". Under normal circumstances, fish should be fresh, prepared by a trained chef, and served by an attentive, competent staff. Oh ho ho, not at Crazy Fish! Horrible fish prepared by incompetents and served by... apparently no one. Their spicy rolls and cooked dishes tasted slathered in a heavy mayonnaise, making the gag factor higher than newbie tapioca wrestling night at Weight Watchers. The fish is not fresh, the staff barely capable, and the ambiance feels like you're thrust into a twelve year old's myspace page. Many people commit suicide by leaping off buildings, slitting their wrists, or hanging. Committed to your death? Come to Crazy Fish and order the blowfish.

Culver City Municipal Plunge - pool
(310) 253-6680, 4175 Overland Ave, Culver City
25 yards wide, 50 meters long. Lap lanes from 6:45am to 8:45am, classes for everyone from under 6 swimmers to adults like myself. Two weeks of classes, five days a week, half an hour long, were $45 as a Culver City resident. How much do I LOVE the Culver, baby?! 2007 is my triathlon training year, culminating in my first event, the L.A. Triathlon on September 9th. I'm a strong recreational swimmer but needed to learn the front crawl/freestyle for the official races. The classes at the CCP were cheap, taught by friendly staff, and always fun. I'm an odd duck; I enjoy doing things that are new, strange, and difficult. I can run dozens of miles, bike forever, but swimming is an incredible workout that requires stamina, coordination, and a relaxed but steady form. The instructors at the CCP have been great in getting me ready, quickly, for my triathlon! Entry is $3 per visit, you can also get a frequent multi-day pass. Full lockable lockers, bike rack in the front, and working hot water showers for both sexes.

Culver City Volvo - Volvo sales & service
(877) 253-7968, 11201 Washington Blvd, Culver City
We own a 1995 850 Turbo wagon. It has a flip down child seat in the rear. It has a fold-down bench seat in the very back that seats three kids. All it's missing is a uterus monitor built into the dash to completely freak us out. It's my wife's commuter car, it's the right size to take both dogs to the park, kennel, or on a long trip, and it's got 130,000 miles on it. The car's very sporty and overall has been a great car. But when something goes wrong... ka-CHING! I've taken the car twice to Culver City Volvo for service and before I get into the cons, let me say that they did, in fact, fix what was wrong and it did not need to go back for any corrections. When you go the dealer for repairs, the implicit agreement is to be anally violated in fees so that the job is done right. I'm willing to pay more if the level if service is high. It just isn't so at CC Volvo. Mind you, the service techs are very nice. But they don't call to tell you there's going to be a delay in the original estimate of repair time. They don't offer alternatives to complete and total replacement, and they don't take American Express. (The last point is only sticking in my craw after walking several miles to pick up my car and not having my Mastercard on me. Somehow I can run a marathon, but walking to the dealership twice is just aggravating.) Service reps won't even look at another rep's ticket, so if your guy isn't there when you call or come in, forget about getting any answers at all. The last time I brought in the car, my rep seemed to take a lot of lunches, or his phone was always going to voicemail. Since he was lax in following up with the delays this made things very frustrating. Also, labor charges seem to vary based on the kind of diagnostic or repair they are performing. Check your bill and don't hesitate to ask questions. If you bring your Volvo to them it will be fixed, eventually. It will also cost significantly more than you expect and take much, much longer. I'd take my car to Jim Matson, but Volvos require specific tools and repair machinery that few mechanics want to deal with. Jim's smart enough to wave my car off and send me to the dealer. I'll go back to Bjorn at the Swedish Auto Clinic in Venice again for the other repairs I need. Bjorn and his boys do decent, affordable work, but my last experience there was spotty and required multiple visits to get right. I suppose I just have to accept my yuppie lifestyle and embrace the Volvo, expenses and all. I dread the day when the baby light comes on the dashboard.
www.culvercityvolvo.com

Diddy Riese Cookies - cookies!
(310) 208-0448, 926 Broxton Ave, Westwood Village
Diddy Riese only makes cookies and brownies and they are awesome. I think they are mostly a catering supply, or food service supply, but they also sell their freshly baked cookies to the throngs of UCLA students and movie theater patrons in the Westwood Village. But the best part is that most cookies are thirty five cents, as well as the little shortie of milk you can get with it! It almost redeems the presence of the schmucks who usually make up the wildlife of Westwood. Go for a total indulgence of two sugar bomb cookies as an ice cream sandwich for a buck.

Dinah's Family Restaurant – diner
(310) 645-0456, 6521 S Sepulveda Blvd. Los Angeles
Ahhh, after church on Sunday is a fine time to go to Dinah's, apparently. A diner that specializes in fried chicken and oven baked pancakes, Dinah's is a giant dive that's not quite a googie, not quite a diner, and evidently is not related to Dinah Shore, though it should be. Hipsters haven't spoiled this place yet, so you can still go get an honest egg cooked on a good grill. Two people can get stuffed for twenty bucks.
www.dinahsrestaurant.com

Double Dog Dare Ya - doggie day care & kennel
(818)846-2234, 122 W Linden Ct, Burbank
Patrick Guilfoyle is a man of exceptional taste and that extends to how he treats his canine guests. He has built an oasis for dogs in Burbank, a swanky spa for your pooch where they can play and frolic while you vacation or work watching them on webcams. My wife and I are freaks, in that we are in our thirties without children and two dogs that we DO NOT ANTHROPOMORPHIZE. They are dogs, not children. Because we understand they are dogs we do not pamper them as if they were people, we treat them well as befits their species. Their idea of vacation is to roll in water, sniff strange ass, pee on each other, and play all day. (OK, that may be some human's idea of fun, too.) We have two dogs, a pitbull/basenji mix allergic to everything, and an ex-racing greyhound. They love their time at DDDY and we rest assured knowing Patrick and his exceptional staff take top care of our dogs. The greyhound's skin can tear like rice paper, and those tears can keep ripping if they're not caught in time. So far no tears, which to me says that fights and skirmishes are caught in time and stopped. Double Dog Dare Ya is a premium doggie day care and kennel, so expect to pay more than other places. But if you are in a position to do so, and understand that "hotelling" your pet is both stupid and really just bores them, take them to Double Dog and envy the simplicity of modern design as applied to dogs. Outdoor play-area has tarps for shade, a swimming pond, and lots of room to roam. They cap their population to prevent a negative caretaker:dog ratio. Their informal motto is a dog that sleeps for two days after a visit is a job well done. In the many times my dogs have been there, "sleep" is a polite way of saying "comatose".
www.doubledogdareya.com

Doughboys – Café
(323) 651-4202, 8136 W 3^rd St., Los Angeles
Doughboys is an L.A. scenester restaurant, and if you can deal with the wait time and having some twit hover nearby your table you will discover that the reason everyone is there is the food. It's California café, which means it's regular café food with salads, sandwiches, entrees with gourmet additions like Gorgonzola and truffle oil, and bread with rosemary with roasted garlic. The wait staff tends to shop on Melrose and wear t-shirts that are a size too small. Very L.A. Average price for two people is about twenty five bucks before tip. (They expanded into the space next door and wait times have been significantly reduced.)
Note, as of December 2006: Doughboys has remained a favorite destination for many months. Their beef chili is outstanding, and the after-school special of grilled cheese and tomato soup is one of the best things I've ever eaten in my life. If Doughboys were any closer to my house, I'd eat here daily.
www.doughboys.net

Doughboys Hollywood - Cafe
1156 Highland Ave, Los Angeles
I wish I could just cross-reference my review of Doughboys on Third, but alas, it is not the same experience. When you call the Third Street location they promise the Hollywood location has the same staff and menu. Perhaps, but apparently they all had their brains sucked out of their heads and decided the Doughboys menu was missing a giant layer of incompetence to make it better. Service is atrocious, forgetful, and actually intensely annoying. Drink orders take forever, there's no continuity of waiter, and they actually managed to cock up every dish we ordered that we'd all had before at the Third location. Who the fuck cut the crusts and shorted the cheese on my afterschool special? And did someone just piss in the vegetarian chili or did they actually take time to make it taste like whizz? Wait for the old location to finish its remodel or let the new staff know that the Hollywood location is doing its best to ruin the brand.

Dr. Hogly Wogly's Tyler Texas BBQ - BBQ, Sepulveda
(818) 902-9046, 8136 Sepulveda Blvd, Van Nuys
There is a trend to my dining. Beef dives. There's not innuendo meant there. I just like huge heaps of beef served to me in the most unpretentious environment possible. There's nothing fancy about the Dr. - plastic plates, screaming babies, wet naps by request only. They make one hell of a plate of beef. Hickory smoked sauces, roasted chickens, a meat bonanza. Creaky wooden seats designed for fatties trucking wide loads. Bring a bib and about twenty five bucks for two people.

Earth, Wind, and Flour - Italian cafe
1776 Westwood Blvd, Los Angeles
2222 Wilshire Blvd, Santa Monica
You may notice that I've included a few chain or polylocated restaurants on this list. It's because that's often where I eat, damn it. Sometimes a restaurant's ability to open multiple locations is due to the quality of its food. In the case of Earth, Wind, and Flour they have achieved quality, reliable Italian food, without the weird "I'm eating in a Mariott" feeling of The Olive Garden. Pasta, pizza, and salad are not expensive foods to make in mass, thus the secret of the success here is in feeding starches to fatties. But when we go to Earth, Wind, and Flour we order their chopped salads. Monstrous portions that continue on for lunch the next day. Their BBQ chicken salad in particular is outstanding, but you can't go wrong with any of them. Their standard entrees are perfectly fine, so if you're looking for a decent place to bring your clan of anti-Atkins, this is it. Sawdust on the floor and cloying waiters. Most importantly you can get away for ten bucks per person.
www.earthwindandflour.com

Edie's Diner - diner - CLOSED AS OF FALL 2007
(310) 577-4558, 4211 Admiralty Way, Marina del Rey
Edie's diner adjoins the Harbor House - they share a kitchen, in fact. The food is very good and the silly 50's decor is goofy enough to be pleasant. The benefit of sharing a kitchen with a better restaurant is that the rising tide lifts all boats (which you can see from the patio overlooking the harbor). Great breakfast food at good prices. Rock solid burgers and delicious milkshakes. (April, 2007)

Elixir Tonic & Tea - GONE
(310) 657-9310, 8612 Melrose Ave, West Hollywood
If there is one theme amongst most Los Angeles guides of what to do, it's "retreat". What this means of course is that if you want to enjoy this city you have to get out of it. Elixir provides this sort of haven by serving tonics and, well, elixirs, made with teas, roots, and other traditional herbs and remedies. They have a storefront that sells loose teas and herbs, as well as candles, yoga accessories, meditation props, and other things that support the commodification of the traditions that eschew material goods. The Zen garden patio is a lovely, quiet getaway where you can enjoy a tonic refresher, or hot tea. Everyone should have a bottle of "Yin from the cold" in their pantry, because it actually helped me dodge two oncoming colds. There is some truth to 4,000 years of Chinese medicine. Elixir also has an on site herbalist who will do a free consultation (for first-timers). When you're done at Elixir you will step back outside and be reminded of all the expensive housewares and goods you can't afford. Especially after paying three bucks for twenty cents worth of liquids. Newage Starbucks, anyone?
www.elixir.net

El Coyote Spanish Café - Mexican food for tourists
(323) 939-2255, 7312 Beverly Blvd. Los Angeles
El Coyote is what Republicans think Mexicans are like. It's one of the oldest restaurants in Los Angeles and it delivers on your tourist red-state expectations of Mexican cuisine and culture. The guilty pleasure is that the food is really, really good and deeply satisfies the crappetite. A huge menu of the same ten items reconstituted different ways. Rolled, fried, plated, sauced; the variety of ways to serve beef, pork, and chicken are myriad. Waitresses in big rainbow skirts and waiters who feign poor language skills. You can pretend you're on a scheduled cruise ship getaway! Great food that blocks your colon like concrete.
www.elcoyotecafe.com

El Pollo Loco - the chicken, it is crazy
All over L.A.
I had a roommate once, an ex-bodybuilder who would instate "codeine Sundays". He would pop two codeine and chase them with a beer, then have El Pollo Loco deliver a heap of roasted chicken. Ahhh, memories. Now I have El Pollo Loco post-yoga Saturdays, as it's a great way to eat fast food without actually eating fast food. The smokey black beans are awesome, and I highly recommend replacing the boring pinto beans with them on your burrito. Nothing beats having twenty square feet of grill covered in splayed chickens in varying states of cooked - from blue-ish yellow to char grilled. This is what good fast food was meant to be, not the horror that is McDonalds.
www.elpolloloco.com

El Segundo Dog Park - dog park
E Imperial Avenue & McCarthy Court, El Segundo
The El Segundo dog park is a long, narrow park that has plenty of room to throw balls with your Chuckit while watching jets take off and land at LAX. The quality of the El Segundo dog park has dwindled over the years. Upkeep has been lax (lax - LAX, hah!) so the grass has been chewed down to the rock underneath. My pitbull tends to tear up her paws pretty badly because she has no off switch, even when her feet are bleeding. Pitbulls were bred partly for their pain tolerance, and it can be difficult to check her feet when all she wants is to PLEASE THROW THE BALL AGAIN! My greyhound can lap the whole park in five seconds, but that has more to do with the fact she's an ex-racing greyhound than the size of the park. Weekends are more busy than weekends, obviously, and your pooch doesn't need to have an El Segundo dog license to enjoy the park. Clean up after your dog, and visit the doggie wash (whose name escapes me - review coming) just down the street afterwards.

EM Bistro - GONE
(323) 658-6004, 8256 Beverly Blvd
I enjoy eating well, but it's hard for me to understand what makes one place's gourmet potato chips different from another place's gourmet french fries. There's a level of bombastic highbrowness to it all that is lost on me. Are they serving six dollar potato chips because it's funny? Do they think that most of their clientele doesn't just go to Ralphs (sorry, Bristol Farms) and buy a sack of chips? The reason rich Beverly Hills people get liposuction and face lifts is because they eat like shit all day long. They may pay six bucks for a plate of chips but it's doing the same thing to them as the poor chunkpot stuffing their face right from the bag. EM Bistro is a curious instance because while it serves homemade potato chips for more than $1.79, the rest of the menu is purely joyful comfort food. Lots of great meats, fish, and vegetables served by an attentive wait staff who is congenial and well versed in their menu. We were taken care of from door to dessert by everyone. It's swank dining in a swanky modern decor, but there still remains something extremely pleasant about it all, and pricewise it was not as appalling as some of the numbers I've seen snuck on the side of plank menus. If I had the wherewithal this is a place I would dine at regularly - but I'd have the chips from the bag beforehand. They're just fucking potato chips, onion créme fraîch be damned.

Fairy's Nails - nail salon and spa
(310) 839-1636, 10766 Washington Blvd, Culver City
There's got to be a bazillion nail salons in this city, and not much separating one from another other than the sheer number of Vietnamese women staffing them. I found Fairy's because I live nearby and I was looking for a field trip to do with my wife. Of the two nail salons in walking distance, Fairy's was the cleanest looking with an autoclave in the rear and plastic liners on all the buckets and spa equipment. My wife and I each got a mani/pedi and they did a great job. Since we don't speak Vietnamese we were kind of in the dark conversationally, but we were treated well and pampered nicely. They have a couple of deluxe spa chairs, so you can always upgrade your experience and sit in the fancy leather jobs. The best thing is that Fairy's has got to be the cheapest salon in town. Twenty bucks each for a mani/pedi. It was so inexpensive I added a foot callous removal for $4! I tipped well for having subjected the poor woman to my man-feet. May I be the first man to request that the French nail and acrylic fad END?! I'm pretty much sick of every woman in L.A. having big, white, plastic nails. I'll never forget my first MILF, my fifth grade teacher, Eunice Heckman. She had the most gorgeous red, natural fingernails. Please, let the porno-chic era end so we can herald the return of red.

The Farm of Beverly Hills - cafe
(310) 273-5578, 439 N Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills
My dad was a class climber, the son of blue collar parents who married up across the railroad tracks. Unfortunately, he married a crazy psycho bitch from hell with evil parents to boot, so much of my father's first marriage was spent lashing out in rebellion to his situation. Part of that lashing out was spending his way to happiness with material goods, so when my sister and I came along our childhoods were marked by having a father who bought cool stuff and a mother who hated being the one who had to save every penny for a rainy day. As an adult, I've had to reconcile my own class aspirations and happiness through conspicuous consumption with my career and life choices. I work with people who have, for all intents and purposes, infinite wealth, and sometimes acting as their proxy I can spend some of that money and briefly taste that lifestyle. Which is why I've spent more and more time in Beverly Hills. While I acknowledge that there is a lot of pretentious snootiness about the place, the resentment from the plebes is because the price of admission to the adult amusement park is high. Your wallet must be *this big* to ride. Sure, you can slag on the price of everything, but you're paying for an experience and not just the base product. Those who still separate the two things are unwilling to accept the rules of a capitalist system. This is exemplified by The Farm of Beverly Hills. I've been consistently treated well whether dining solo, in pairs, or a group of six. They take reservations for all meals, but walk-ins are welcome. I've never had a bad meal here, most recently after a quick stop in at the Cheese Store next door. I had the turkey burger, which was moist and flavorful. The only better turkey burger I've had is at the Texas BBQ King at Figueroa and Caeser Chavez - an altogether different experience than The Farm. Our server was kind enough to ask how my friend wanted her Ahi tuna cooked with her Nicoise, which though I appreciated we both felt was kind of silly. In the past I've enjoyed their pizzas and sandwiches, especially their applewood smoked bacon with avocado and their BBQ beef brisket with grilled onions and cheese. Salads are also fresh, hearty, and generous, and once you get over the sticker shock, know that you could stretch one of them to a second meal. I finally had one of the giant Oreo cookies and my blood sugar swooned with delight. It might just be sweet enough to finally kill my diabetic biological mother. It's easy to bitch about the prices of things, but I'm willing to pay more to get good customer service, friendly treatment, and quality products. My greatest joy is finding these things for bargain prices, but sometimes I just don't want to work that hard. I'm OK paying more if I can be sure I'll have a good experience. I'm not spending my way to happiness, but I recognize that working hard is meaningless if I curb my desires to save a few bucks and still don't have a good time.
www.thefarmofbeverlyhills.com

Farmer Boys - burgers, diner
726 S. Alameda St. Los Angeles, CA
Farmer Boys was started by a cadre of Greek brothers who emigrated to southern California and opened up burger joints as they arrived. The Farmer Boy burger is a great traditional burger worth mentioning for two reasons: a generous sized double patty with avocado and bacon is $4.69, and the S. Alameda location is open 24 hours. The rest of the menu offers a very Denny's-like variety of Things You Can Fit in a Deep Frier, and the SoCal standard, "Regardless of Our Owner's Ethnicity We Are Mexican Line Cooks So You Can Always Have a Burrito".
www.farmerboys.com

Fatburger – burgers
All over LA
Southern California may have a reputation for being full of granola heads, but like everything in L.A. It's a surface lie. There are more burger joints here than grains of Grape Nuts in CostCo. For my money, nothing compares to a Fatburger with cheese and an egg. I'm not a chili fan, but friends tell me the chili fries are good, too. Magic Johnson recently bought the franchise and he's keepin' it real, G. A Fatburger combo with fries and a drink is six fifty.
www.fatburger.net

Foodies - GONE
(310) 473-8272, 11701 Wilshire Blvd. Los Angeles
Foodies is a very strange place in that the atmosphere in no way matches the quality of the food. Large, round wooden tables in an open, airy second story corner location in a strip mall at the corner of Bundy and Wilshire. A very high ceiling, and a giant plasma TV perched high on the wall. While we were there it was playing sports. There isn't a bar, so it's not on for pathetic men drinking and fantasizing about athletic competition. I am a moth, and therefore I cannot look away from a TV light source and found it very distracting. At any rate, Foodies serves soft pretzels as a novelty and their food, American cafe, is extremely well prepared and very tasty. The problem is that my memory of the ambiance colors my desire to go back. While the food was good, I had a roast chicken done perfectly, and the prices extremely reasonable, I just can't erase the giant plasma TV from my mind. See for yourself.

Ford's Filling Station - upscale neighborhood bistro
(310) 202-1470, 9531 Culver Blvd, Culver City
My wife and I lived in a microscopic apartment two blocks south of the Helms Bakery for six years. We were part of the new gentrification of Culver City which now includes "restaurant row" along Washington Boulevard, home to a dozen places of varying price and style. Ford's Filling Station is the highest end of the bunch and its packed bar and full RSVP book attest to its popularity. The food is overall outstanding with only a few exceptions. Their heirloom tomatoes were served too early in the season so the insides were still slightly white, and their cheese plate was served too cold (that didn't stop us from going berserk on it). After that erratic start my mother and I shared a whole fish topped with aromatics and clams. Mr. Ford came out both to say hello in a busy restaurant and pointed out that the best part of the fish were its wee cheeks, which we asked him to scoop out for us (while thinking of all the old ladies who would grab my face and mutter "shayna punim" when I was a boy in synagogue). My wife thoroughly enjoyed the trout and my dad had a salami meat plate. He would do this again at another restaurant (A.O.C.), and though I found it strange to serve what was essentially a late-night snack as a very expensive plate of food, I can't talk because I ate over twenty dollars of cheese that you couldn't make into a sandwich. A group of four will cost anywhere from $30 to $70 per person depending on alcohol and appetizers. (Reviewed May 2006)
www.fordsfillingstation.net

Fred’s 62 – diner
(323) 667-0062, 1850 N Vermont Ave, Los Angeles
OK hipsters, once upon a time there was this little movie called Swingers, which starred a thick necked talentless goon named John Favrau and an even less talented corpse named Vince Vaughn. This movie took place around Silver Lake and Vermont Village, in the old parts of Los Angeles that go back to the twenties. For a while there, due to the popularity of the movie, you couldn't get into any of the clubs or dive restaurants because every moron in the town had slipped on a pair of tiger skin loafers and a polyester bowling shirt and had begged his girlfriend to wear Betty page hair. Now the scene has quieted down, and all that is left are the same old clubs like the Derby and the Dresden room, and the restaurant that still has style, Fred 62. The food here is hit or miss. You'll pay a bit more for the scene, but every so often you'll get yourself a fine ass meal. Everything is priced ending with sixty two cents, which is charming at first, then ceases to make sense. I suggest avoiding the swanky fare like the Thai tofu noodle bowl and sticking to things like the meatloaf and the jalapeño mac n' cheese belly bomb. They do burgers, sandwiches, breakfast food, and diner entrees. Ah yes, and the reason to go to Fred 62 is that they are open 24 hours, and they are not Norm's. Two people will eat for twenty five sixty two.

Gaby's Mediterranean - Lebanese
10445 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles and 20 Washington Blvd, Marina del Rey
There are two Gaby's locations, both have absolutely amazing food, but the Marina del Rey spot is the only one worth going to - unless you like dining in a parking lot with music blasting from crappy speakers while choking on cigarette smoke and hookah pipes. The Marina del Rey location has a small inside with about eight tables, though the patio is definitely the place to sit to gawk at beach pedestrians. Gaby's Mediterranean serves your expected lamb, beef, and chicken shish kebab and gyros, but with a distinctly Lebanese flair. They use liberal amounts of zatar spice, a delicious concoction of flavors floating in a sea of olive oil. If you can get over the texture, which sometimes feels like eating a dirty shag carpet, your tongue will be awash in a sea of exotic goodness. Try Bruce's Zatar Pizza, a split pita covered in zatar, cheese, tomatoes, and onions. Mind blowingly good. The labna is consistently fresh and adds a wonderful sour zing to anything you put it on.

Garden of Taxco - Mexican
1113 N Harper Ave, West Hollywood
This family owned restaurant is a neighborhood favorite and you can expect a wait on cold, rainy nights when you're looking for comfort food. Like El Coyote, Garden of Taxco fulfills your stereotypical Mexican restaurant needs, but the approach is more of being in someone's patio rather than a theme park that serves booze. The owner gave us a warm rehearsed litany welcoming us to his home, then rattled off the meat choices that would form the main course of a set meal. The meal includes a taco, an enchilada, and a heaping plate of meat, rice, and beans. Go enough times to Garden of Taxco and you can enjoy turning tents into your new pants.

Giovanni's Trattoria – Italian
(310) 839-1757, 10026 Venice Blvd, Culver City
Giovanni's is what your neighborhood Italian restaurant should be. Run by two brothers, I have yet to have a bad meal here. They make their own pasta, and their dishes are all simple and delicious. The salmon and farfalle seems to be perpetually on special, and it is exceptional. Their chicken ravioli is light and cooked to perfection, and their pesto sauce is made without an overwhelming quantity of olive oil. The boys don't drown the flavor of their food with garlic. The restaurant itself is small and intimate, with spartan decorations. The food is hearty, lovely, and very tasty. Average price for two people is about twenty two bucks before tip. Note – the brothers sold the restaurant in 2003 and I have not yet tried the new ownership!
www.giovannistrattoria.com

Genre Magazine - gay men's lifestyle reading
New York, NY
This weekend I visited a friend in San Francisco who happens to be gay. His bathroom is filled with gay magazines. WIth nothing else to read on the toilet I found myself catching up on back issues of Genre. If any man wants to know what it's like to be a woman in society today, just read some of these magazines. In short time you'll feel like you'll never be hot enough, ripped enough, young enough, or rich enough to succeed at being male. I found the interview with Marc Jacobs particularly hilarious, capped by the photo of him naked and forlorn staring out from his Paris apartment's tub. "I was so unhappy when I was fat. Now I'm thin and fit, rich, and hot and so much happier!" Suddenly I understood why women hate Cosmo. Normal women, anyway. I discovered that I don't have nearly enough sexy underwear that highlights my cock and balls. I don't spend enough time in the gym (sorry - a gay gym is never "gym", always "James"), I'm not having nearly as much sex as everyone else, and it's certainly not up to par, and if only I would get filthy rich in real estate, smear a gallon of pomade in my hair, and do situps until I puke I could be enjoying life on a gay cruise or party island. There must be something wrong with me. The magazine tells me so. Fitting that I should be reading it on the toilet, staring down at my package, passing the food that was clearly going to prohibit my entrance to gay Mecca. Well that, and the lack of cocksucking. You see, it's not reading gay magazines that make you queer. It's the cocksucking. And the only thing that should make you feel bad about b