Dining (and more) in L.A.

Last updated March, 2008
Rating guide: 1-5 stars: *=bad, **=not so bad, ***=good &/or reliable, ****= very good, ****=freakin' outstanding; 1-4 dollar signs: $=up to ten bucks per person and $$$$=forty or more per person before tax and tip.
You can also read my reviews at http://grrhss.yelp.com
Non-restaurant reviews are in italics.

West of the 405	405 to 110, N of Wilshire	405 to 110, South of Wilshire Blvd	405 to 110, South of 10 fwy	110 Accessible	Muthafuckin' Pluto	Everywhere
Abbot's Pizza Company */$ Alejo's * / $ The Arsenal *** / $$ Audi of Santa Monica Aunt Kizzy's Backporch * / $$ Baby Blues Bar-B-Q / $$$ Bangkok West Bite / $$$ Blueberry - GONE Cafe Bizou *** / $$ Chloe - GONE Cinefile Video Club Babalu The Counter ***** / $$ El Segundo Dog Park Foodies - GONE Gaby's Mediterranean * / $$ Gladstones /$$$ Hal's Bar and Grill /$$$$ Harbor House Marina del Rey / $$$ GONE Hop Li Seafood *** / $ Jadis Jill Miller Yoga JiRaffe Joe's Restaurant **** / $$$ Le Sanctuaire Mama Voulas - GONE Maxwell's Cafe * / $$ Melisse ** / $$$$ Mr. Cecil's Ribs / $$ Nate Loyal Newsroom Cafe Nichol's ** / $$ Dr. Robert N. Nolan DDS Nook * / $$ Omelet Parlor The Pasta Factory Real Food Daily / $$$ R.E.I. Ronnie's / $ Sushi Anju ** / $$ Swedish Auto Clinic Tamara's Tamales * / $$ Tajrish / $$ Triathlete Zombies 26 Beach Cafe * / $$ Uncle Darrow's / $ Westminister Off-Leash Dog Park Wabi-Sabi **/$$$$	A.O.C. * / $$$$ Barney's Beanery * / $$ Black Wave Tattoo Bossa Nova Ristorante Buddha's Belly * / $$ Cafe Fiddler's Canter's Fairfax Restaurant / $$ Cheebo * / $$ The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills Chocolat / $$$ Dr. Spiro Constance Crazy Fish * / $$$ Diddy Riese Cookies * / $ Doughboys *** / $$ Doughboys Hollywood * / $$ El Coyote Spanish Cafe / $$ Elixir - GONE EM Bistro - GONE The Farm of Beverly Hills * / $$ Gardens of Taxco * / $$ The Griddle Cafe * / $$ Joan's on 3rd * / $$ Kung Pao China Bistro * / $$ La Buca * / $$ The Little Door * / $$$$ Lucky Devils * / $$ Lucques * / $$$$ Mandarette * / $$ Matsuhisa * / $$$$ Milk / $ Mongols / $$ Newsroom Cafe Noodle Planet * / $ Osteria Mozza /$$$$ Papa Cristos / $$ Pizzaria Mozza * / $$$$ The Pig * / $$ Piper's Real Food Daily Red Seven Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles * / $ sno:la / $ Spago * / $$$$ Sofi Greek ** / $$ Stolichnaya Bakery Sweet Lady Jane Bakery / $$ Table 8 *** / $$$$ Toast Bakery Cafe * / $$	Al Gelato The Apple Pan ** / $$ The Art of Shaving Bloom / $$ Crepe To Go * / $$ Earth, Wind, and Flour ** / $$ Glatt Mart Jeff's Gourmet Kosher Sausage Factory Hamburger Habit * / $$ Hop Li Seafood Javan *** / $$ Jim Matson Automotive Junior's Kinchans Lemon Moon * / $$ Lulu's Blue Plate M Grill / $$$$ Mac Enthusiasts - AVOID Magic Carpet Manpuku Mulberry Street Pizza * / $$ Nathan's Famous Nate N' Al's Deli Ohäam ** / $$ Pico Glatt Mart Real Food Daily Rosalind's Ethiopian **** / $$ Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles Runyon Canyon Park Shamshiri Grill ***** / $$ Taylor's Steak House Twin Dragon Chinese Yogurberry	Abraham Partamian Armenian Baker Akasha */$$$ Beacon, an Asian cafe / $$$ The Boneyard - Culver City Dog Park Cagefree K-9 Camp Culver City Municipal Plunge Culver City Volvo Dinah's Family Restaurant / $$ Edie's Diner * / $ Fairy's Nails Ford's Filling Station * / $$$ Gaby's Mediterranean * / $$ Giovanni's Trattoria GODA Yoga Grand Casino Bakery Hoagies and Wings **** / $$ Howard's Famous Bacon & Avocado Burger Hu's Garden * / $ India Sweets & Spices Indo Cafe / $$ Johnny's Pastrami JR's BBQ * / $$ K-Zo * / $$$$ La Dijonaise / $$ Lakeshore Learning Store Leaf Cuisine ** / $$ The Museum of Jurassic Technology Pacifico's Mariscos Restaurant * / $$ Phillip's Barbecue * / $$ Pann's Red Brick Pizza - GONE Roll n' Rye / $$ Smitty's Famous Fish and Chips ** / $ Sterling Cleaners Surfas S&W Country Diner ** / $$ Synergy Cafe & Lounge Teaforest Tender Greens * / $$ Thai Original BBQ Restaurant Triathlon Lab Venus of Venice * / $$ Victor Jr.'s / $$ Vinoteque /$$$ X'Otik Kitchen * / $$ Wilson ** / $$$$ Woody's Bar-B-Que * / $$	Alegria Arda's Cafe */$ Burger Continental Cafe Bizou /$$ Carousel Ciudad /$$$ Clifton's Cafeteria * / $$ Cole's P.E. Buffet * / $$ Farmer Boys / $ Grand Central Market Hama Sushi Langer's Delicatessen *** / $$ Moxie / $ The Original Pantry / $$ The Original Texas Barbecue King / $$ Patina * / $$$$+ Philipe the Original * / $ Suehiro * / $$ Teishokuya of Tokyo * / $$ Vertical Wine Bistro * / $$$	Aroma Bakery ** / $$ The Artisan Cheese Gallery / $$ Auntie Em's Kitchen ** / $$ Carnival Double Dog Dare Ya Dr. Hogly Wogly's * / $$ Fred's 62 / $$ Goldy's Breakfast Bistro Inn of the Seventh Ray * / $$$$ Joe Peeps **** / $$ Jumbo's Clown Room Kung Pao China Bistro ** / $$ Marrakesh * / $$$ Mr. Cecil's Ribs / $$ Mulberry Street Pizza * / $$ Palms Thai ** / $$ Pescado Mojado * / $ Tarzana Armenian Grocery Tony's Little Italy * / $ Twain's / $ Zachary's Chicago Pizza **** / $$$	ASPCA Poison Control Center Baja Fresh Chipotle Corner Bakery CostCo Marina Del Rey El Pollo Loco Genre Magazine Green Clean L.A. L.A. Triathlon Mormons Pinkberry Zankou Chicken ***** / $$ Zara International

The best:
Best any time: Doughboys, south of WeHo
Best bang for your buck: Cafe Bizou, Pasadena, Santa Monica, Sherman Oaks
Best BBQ: JR's BBQ, Culver City
Best burger: The Counter, Santa Monica
Best deli: Langer's Deli, downtown
Best diner: S&W Country Diner, Culver City
Best fast food: Zankou Chicken
Best Japanese: K-Zo, Culver City
Best middle eastern: Shamshiri Grill, Westwood Blvd
Best place to go when someone else is paying: Lucques or Table 8, West Hollywood
Best pizza: NY style: Mulberry Street Pizza, monster style: Joe Peeps, premium extra-fancy style: Pizzaria Mozza
Best steak: Nick + Stef's, downtown
Best Thai: Palms Thai, Hollywood

Signature L.A. destinations:
Clifton's Cafeteria
India Sweets and Spices
Le Sanctuaire
Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles
Surfas

Abbots Pizza Company - pizza
1811 Pico Blvd, (310) 314-2777, 1407 Abbot Kinney Blvd, (310) 396-7334
Everything that's good about New York pizza - the zingy sauce, the crunch of a good crust, and a savory, dripping slice combined with the insanely good ingredient combinations of California invention without any of the snooty pretension of a Wolfgang or Joachim! You can get your traditional New York pie or go crazy with just about any topping you can imagine. Absolutely try their gourmet combos like the Popey's Chicken: spinach, mushroom, onion, tequila lime marinated chicken with mozzarella cheese on a garlic pesto sauce or one of their many cheese monstrosities with land mine detonations of ricotta cheese. APC boasts "home of the bagel crust pizza" and it does not disappoint. Get a poppy/seasame combo crust on your gourmet pie and revel in a yeast-enriched crunch yielding to spongy soft goodness. Best of all, most pies - gourmet or not - are available by the slice so you can experiment on the cheap. Take that, Mozza! The Venice location is best for take-out as the wooden benches out front gave me splinters. Pies run about $16.
www.abbotspizzacompany.com

Abraham Partamian Armenian Baker – Armenian grocer, wholesaler
5410 W Adams Blvd, Los Angeles
Abraham Partamian has been in his West Adams location for sixty years and has seen the neighborhood undergo pretty drastic changes, but his delicious little Armenian pizzas of lamb and peppers have been unchanged for much longer. He occupies a modest sized bakery operation supplying goods to the Armenian population of Los Angeles - second only in size to Armenia itself. Armenia is neighbored by Georgia, Turkey, and Azerbaijan. They were a very early national convert to Christianity, which placed them in religious opposition to their powerful Muslim neighbor to the west, Turkey. From 1915 to 1923 Turkey, under the Ottoman Empire, invaded Armenia and committed genocide in the mass killing of over one and a half million Armenians. Every April 24th, Martyr's Day, the Armenian youth of Southern California drive up and down Sunset Boulevard honking their horns and waving the Armenian flag. With a recorded culture of over 3500 years, Armenia is rich in its own traditions and cultural flavors that make it similar to, but distinct from its Persian neighbors and Greek roots. This is one of the things that makes living in Los Angeles so enjoyable - the diversity of cultures that have been able to maintain their identity even as their children are assimilated into the city. Abraham has a small table in the grocery, but you're better off picking up a stack of his pizzas for five bucks and heading home.

Akasha - California organic
9543 Culver Blvd, Culver City, (310) 845-1700
My wife and I were married at the Harbor House in Marina del Rey. We've gone back to celebrate our anniversary, paying too much for mediocre food but reminiscing at what a fabulous wedding we had. We'd order scallops and steak and maybe a martini or two, talk about what the last year has meant for us, and how we've grown together as people and a couple. Now that it's gone, we needed a new place. Akasha's proximity to home, beautifully designed interior, and exciting menu seemed like a good fit. My wife got reservations via OpenTable.com (sooner than the 6 week wait we'd heard about), and when I stopped in two weeks before our reservation I mentioned it was our three year wedding anniversary to the host who noted that in his computer. The previous restaurant was an Italian piano bar that avoided closure by tinting its windows to avoid discovery. The renovations were mysterious, masked by large wooden panels. From a distance one could clearly see they were gutting and updating the location with high ceilings and serious interior design work. We knew nothing about Akasha herself, or that the restaurant's renovation was part of TLC's Flip this Restaurant. After three years of marriage we're now just dumb local yokels looking for a nice dinner. Dumb yokels who know what a dining experience ought to be and an axe to grind when it's sloppy. We were greeted with an enthusiastic welcome and a congratulations on our anniversary. That was sweet. The waiter then added his kind congrats as well. We looked over the menu and gave our entire order at once - martini for the wife, glass of red for me, tumuric seared pear salad with goji berries and chevre, shiitake, roasted squash, and basil pizza as appetizers; Punjabi mung bean bowl and wild pepper scallops entrees. Nice waiter, lovely interior, great wine list and decent prices for all items. Well, mostly lovely interior. The chairs are the leather-strap variety your sleazy uncle had in his apartment in 1984. The pear salad comes out - five minutes after we ordered. No wine. No cocktail. Then the pizza shortly after, simultaneous with the wine and cocktail. I'm annoyed. There's an order to a meal, and this isn't it. Fine. We roll with it. The pear salad is stunningly mediocre. Pears aren't in season and there was maybe three slices of it. I felt like Wody Allen, "the food here is terrible - and such small portions!" Four small bits of chevre and a truckload of arugala. Salad is the Styrofoam packing of the food world and there was enough of it here to ship the chandeliers back to whatever Chinese factory that knocks off Frank Gehry furniture made them. The pizza isn't really a pizza, it's a failed foccacia with stuff on it. My wife loved her cocktail, the Emerald City, and my 2005 "Prisoner" red was spectacular. But as we're enjoying our drinks out of sync with our meal, our waiter comes over and tells us he's handing us over to another. Not a trainee, just another waiter. OK. New guy is nice enough. But a handoff? "Happy anniversary." Thanks. Entrees are served - there's still salad in the bowl and a slice of pizza on the plate. Expediter asks, "do you want me to hold the entre?" No, idiot, I want you to know better than to ask. What's the deal here, Akasha? You woo me in with your hubbub and then you hustle me through with organic grease? I understand if you've got tables to turn but this is ridiculous. We send back what's left of the styrofoam (having eaten the pear and chevre in the first two bites) and accept the entrees. I'll take them hot from the kitchen rather than warmed over and held, thank you. The scallops were outstanding and the mung bean bowl was delicious - there is no denying them that. We took our time with them, and had to ward off the busboys from taking them away. Dessert was nice, too, the salty chocolate tart was the right balance of sweet and salty. Coffee was the expected fair-trade hippie garbage. We were given our bill with another sincere congratulations on our wedding anniversary. To be fair, I don't expect a complimentary dessert, but when the staff is falling over themselves to both acknowledge my special day and get me the hell out of their restaurant I was thinking maybe a mint and a kiss. Nope. The bill before tip was $104. Whatever. It was the next day we found out that a friend had left his credit card to pay for our coffee and dessert. That never made its way to the bill. I would have forgiven the weak appetizers if we didn't feel like we were being pushed out the door. But because of the shoddy service (even though our waiters were kind, they weren't expediting) I'm docking two stars. One for the appetizers and another for the mangling of the experience. And it wasn't like they didn't know it was a special occasion - they took every opportunity to remind us that they were screwing up our night. So, Akasha, now that you're booked six weeks out and your TV show has aired how about you fix the thing?
www.akasharestaurant.com

Alejo's Presto Trattoria – Italian
4002 Lincoln Blvd at Washington Blvd, Mar Vista, (310) 822-0095
Though it bears his name, Castro Alejo is number one, divorced from his wife who got this location in the settlement, and number two, dead. His ex-wife has frozen the menu in place for probably at least a decade and it's just fine that way. Even the special menu written on a white-board hasn't changed in years. The small place is always packed along its family style long tables, and you'll always see someone who remembered to bring their own wine. Everything on the menu is good. Come to Alejo's expecting a garlic bomb. When I worked for idiots, nothing would give me more pleasure than eating a whole order of garlic linguini with mushrooms and then working on the CFO's computer while breathing all over him. What a schmuck. He deserved it. Pasta dishes are about seven dollars.

Alegria – home cooked Mexican food
3510 W Sunset Blvd, Silver Lake, (323) 913-1422
Coming into Nadine Trujillo’s kitchen is like being invited into her home (with her daughters, Denise and Jackie, too). Everything here is cooked from genuine home brewed recipes, from the salsa to the mole, to the tacos a la crema that are considered some of the best in town.
www.alegriaonsunset.com

Al Gelato - Italian, family style
806 S Robertson Blvd, Westside, (310) 659-8069
There are those who like their red sauces tangy, and they go to Pizza Hut. Those who like it sweet go to Papa Johns. Those of us that like a lot of brown sugar in our pasta sauces can go to Al Gelato on Robertson. The pasta is served family style, from a large bowl. Order the meatball and it's the size of a baby's head. The food is good, but save room for the dessert. A vast selection of home made gelato and it's fanfreakintastic. Apparently, in God they trust, all others pay cash. Greenbacks only! Two people can eat here for twenty bucks, but the gelato will push the tab to thirty – cash only.

Amuse Café – new American cuisine - Closed as of July 2005
796 Main St. Venice, (310) 450-1956
Fuck Carl’s Jr. This $10 burger kicks ass. A host of other classy things on the menu will tantalize your taste buds, such as salads and fish. You may know this venue as Van Gogh’s ear, of the insane wall art and witty menu. Gone is the wit, but resident is the good food. Once they finish the swanky “artists lofts” next door expect prices to go up and table availability to plummet.
(Note: chefs Brooke Williamson & Nick Roberts opened Beech Wood Restaurant at 822 West Washington Blvd, Venice)

A.O.C. – swanky tapas
8022 W 3^rd St, Los Angeles, (323) 653-6359
In the past few years street food has taken over haute cuisine so you can feel like you’re cool for paying $13 for a single tasting plate of Spanish food. AOC, from the women who brought you Lucques, does it very well offering a variety of cheeses, meats, fish, and assorted vegetables alongside a generous wine accompanying each dish. This is the kind of menu people call “playful” when they really mean “I paid a lot for little portions.” You’ve got to order five of these bastards to feel like you’ve eaten a meal. The faux wood menu and contemporary design will make you feel like a real foodie schmuck after you’ve eaten $100 worth of food and are still waiting for the entree. Still, the seared fish (you pay extra for it being closer to raw) and lambs are delicious, and the cheese selection is stellar. (It ought to be; AOC stands for Appellation d'Origine Controlé, the French government bureau that is responsible for guaranteeing the authenticity of foods, including cheese. Would you pay $50 per person to eat at a restaurant called FDA?) (Reviewed May 2004)
Follow up - May 2006: A.O.C. still stands as one of the best restaurants in town. But while the food was close to orgasmic in its taste, quality, beauty, and design there were a few things that got under my skin. First, don't *ever* call something family style when the entire dish weighs less than one ounce. Second, when your table tells you that they would like some cheese, and what was served is thin to the point of transparency, see what you can do about either getting more or doing something nice for them. The overarching attitude of the restaurant as conveyed by our server and the words the place uses to describe itself try to get in the way of what is an extraordinarily good meal. The wine list is amazing with options and prices that will drop your jaw. If you do the full A.O.C. experience with wine, cheese, and at least three dishes per person a group of four will run $100 per person at minimum.
www.aocwinebar.com

Apple Pan – burgers & pie!
10801 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles, (310) 475-3585
There's one waiter at the Apple Pan who is so consistently curt, yet so amazingly efficient, that all the others guys who work the U-shaped counter have to bear the weight of his reputation. Expect at least a ten minute wait for a seat at the counter-only seating, and figure out what you want - quick. Then, as you place your order for a steakburger, don't be alarmed when your waiter cuts you off and finishes your thought for you. When you've only got four things on a menu, with maybe four options on each one, how long do you think you could stand a hundred times a day, "uhhh, the... Uhhh." It's just a good thing this guy hasn't snapped yet and reached across the counter at some poor west sider and gone, "WHAT? WHAT THE CHRIST DO YOU WANT TO EAT? A BURGER? OR A FRIGGING BURGER? MORON!" Beverages served in the classic egg cups you had in school when you were five. And yes, make sure you get the apple pie. It's on the sign, dummy. It's good. The prices are shocking for being a lunch counter, but when you exist in the shadow of Nordstrom across the street I assume the real estate price is stratospheric. Two people eating burgers, drinks, and pie will have to shell out twenty five bucks. Whoa!

Arda's Cafe - salads, sandwiches, etc.
418 W 6th St., Los Angeles, (213) 689-4438
Arda's is a perfectly pleasant option for breakfast or lunch when you're downtown and either don't want to spend a fortune at a Patina Group monopoly, or risk deep fried rodent at one of the very spooky lunch bodegas. Many healthy options at Arda's with a leaning towards Mediterranean flavors. Two can eat for $25.
www.ardascafe.com

Aroma Bakery - Israeli bakery cafe
18047 Ventura Blvd, Encino, (818) 757-0477
I grew up a suburban conservative Jew; a third generation American from Ukrainian immigrants who secularized and assimilated. Israel was a concept in prayer and after 1946 a vacation spot, but New York had more to offer east coast Jews than making aliyah (good bagels and a shorter flight). Therefore it came as quite a change to find myself in Los Angeles and meeting Israelis, Jews who made aliyah (the act of going up - used to describe settlement in Israel or approaching the dais in the synagogue), Arabs, Palestinian Christians, and all the other cast of characters who define and belong to the tangible reality of Israel. Los Angeles' climate has a lot in common with Israel so it is chock full of Israeli immigrants, and if you asked random Angelenos on the street they would probably miscategorize Israelis as being a bunch of very loud Jews. Israelis are proud to nickname themselves Sabras, a prickly desert cactus. Keep this in mind when you visit Aroma, an Israeli bakery catering to expats and valley Jews. Aroma is dairy/vegetarian in order to maintain a glatt (pure) kosher kitchen, but that doesn't prevent them from having a huge menu of salads, sandwiches, pizzas, and Israeli bakery specialties which are the best reason to go. First, I had the best cup of coffee I'd tasted in the many months since I was in Greece. Then, our table shared a Jachnun, only available on the weekends, an unbelievable pastry dish of layers of dough baked for ten hours and served with tomato dip and tahini. The flavor of the Jachnun is sublime, with every bite like walking into a bakery and taking in the smell of freshly baked bread. I ordered a Malawach roll, a flaky pastry stuffed with hummus and hard boiled egg. The Ziva, also a classic dish baked in their clay oven, is perfect when stuffed with cheese and olives. Already jammed full of bread, we had to order desserts, which were just as incredible as their baked goods. Even though it's way the hell up in Encino, Aroma is worth the field trip. Plan on dropping thirty bucks for two.
www.aromabakery.com

The Arsenal, burgers and gourmet bar food
12012 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
This is, hands down, the second best burger in the city. The menu has loads of other choices, all of which look tasty, but God damn is this a good burger. Fresh and tasty beef done right in a red and black room filled with guns. Also a fashionable bar, The Arsenal comes fully loaded with goofball booze concoctions to satisfy your most queer of girl drink drunks (like me).
Update April, 2007: they now offer two new chic options: the diet du jour (bunless burger over salad), and a Kobe beef burger for two and a half bucks additional. The Kobe burger rocks, well worth the upgrade price. The fullness of the Kobe is complimented by an au jous dip and grilled onions. Super tasty!
www.arsenalbar.com

The Artisan Cheese Gallery - cheese shop
(818) 505-0207, 12023 Ventura Blvd, Studio City, CA
I used to consider becoming a grownup the day you take responsibility for your actions. I'm changing my attitude. The day you become a grownup is the day you no longer crave candy bars and chips and instead drool over a salt bagel with manchego and fig jam. The Artisan Cheese Gallery is one of just a few real cheese shops in town, and while their selection is not as expansive as the Cheese Store of Beverly Hills, it is cultivated with care. One could make the argument that it's not how many Epoisse a store carries, as long as the one stocked is the best. In the case of the Artisan Cheese Gallery, they stock a fine Epoisse, as well as a good spread of everything else (raw sheep, cow, and goat choices, hard and soft cheeses, stinky and non). Their staff is very friendly and those I spoke with knew what they liked and could guide anyone from a novice to a pro chef. They also have a kitchen that serves sandwiches and salads made with their cheeses. I asked for something that would knock my socks off, and they served me a sandwich of duck confit, fig jam, and a mystery white cheese (probably a gouda) on focaccia. It was delicious. Perfect, in fact. I could eat that sandwich every day and die a happy man. I'd die a young, happy man and my epitaph would read, "Became fois gras." They also have a wide selection of dry goods, pastas and gourmet peanut butters, biscuits and crackers, and anything you might need to put together a cheese tasting party if you found yourself stuck in the valley desperately seeking fromage. (As opposed to being stuck in the valley looking for frottage, which is ridiculously easy to find.) As with all things grownup, expect to pay adult prices for the experience.
www.artisancheesegallery.com

The Art of Shaving - barbershop
(310) 785-3993, 10250 Santa Monica Blvd, Los Angeles
This is not "manscaping". In recent years the Metrosexual Male has grown out of its gangly adolescence and into some sort of strange, beastly puberty. Magazines like Stuff and Maxim - at war with their inner Metrosexual - decided that massive doses of misogyny was the solution. I reject this asinine viewpoint and I dare anyone to call me soft while I shave with a straight razor. Stuff and Maxim are an affront to masculinity by their exploitation of women. They might as well don white robes and join the Taliban, these men who believe strength comes through the domination of women. These are the same morons who think you need more than one blade on a razor. The new Gillette Mach 12: The first blade mocks the hair. The second blade talks kindly to it. The third blade lifts up the hair's spirits so that the fourth blade can circumcise the shaft. The fifth blade is intentionally left blank. The sixth blade ran all the way home... More blades does not make the man! There is power in knowing how to use a straight razor. One man, one blade. You must learn the contours of your face and glide the razor across it while scraping off just the top layer of skin. A straight razor shave requires oils, lotions, and salves that appeal to the love of product, while serving a very real purpose at every stage: not dying by your own hand. The Art of Shaving is one of a few salons for men that offer a classic straight razor shave as well as facials and other folic grooming. They present themselves as a classic barbershop in the model of the opening scene of The Untouchables. They sell their own line of pre-shave oils, shaving soaps and creams, and aftershave balms in a variety of scents and options. I use their unscented line, which has a pleasantly neutral odor. Lemon, lavender, sandalwood, and others are also quite nice. My first visit was for an education. I wanted a traditional shave so I could learn proper technique to perform my own straight razor shaves. My barber was patient in showing me all the details I needed to know in order not to slice my face to ribbons. After much practice with a safety straight razor (purchased at the store) I graduated to a beautiful German-made razor; a gift from my father. I continue to use the Art of Shaving oils and lotions since they make an outstanding product. I also use their badger-hair brush, a variety of which can be found at the store in prices from $50-$500. They also sell gorgeous handled safety razors, mirror sets, and other grooming supplies as individual or gift sets. Have you seen Pan's Labyrinth? Do you think westerns are manly? Prove you're a real man - not through the ugly "lad mag" phenomenon, but through dragging precision-honed steel across your face every day without slitting your own throat. The rest of you misogynist pigs can take your weak-ass multi-blade embarrassments and go fuck yourselves.
www.theartofshaving.com

ASPCA Poison Control Center
(888) 426-4435
We've had the unfortunate luck to have had to call the ASPCA Poison Control Center several times for our pitbull/Basenji mix. A short list of the things she's eaten include an old bag of Hall's sugar-free cough drops, Halloween candy, an entire bottle (90 pills) of colon cleanse tablets, and a full baby diaper (thanks, brother-in-law for not telling us you tossed your spawn's waste into the trash) which we did not realize until the next day when she pooped out yellow "flavor crystals" that had sucked the moisture out of her body. Each time we've called the hotline we've been connected to an actual veterinarian quickly, who calmly and methodically had us check our dog for dangerous indications and then researched their expansive database of products for active and inactive ingredients. The times when we've had to induce vomiting we were coaxed through the process by the vet and then called back to verify our dog's health. Their requested donation of around $30 has mutated into a forced contribution of $55 per incident. It's still significantly less than an unnecessary emergency room visit. But, if it should happen that you need to go to the ER, you've done a certain amount of triage that can assist the new vet. I hope you don't need it, but to crib Steven Pressfield's description of a Spartan soldier, a dog is little but a mouth, an ass, and an appetite in between.

Audi of Santa Monica - car dealership
(310) 451-7676, 1020 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica
I won't go into full details about everything I've learned about buying cars. But in case you are interested, you can read my full advice here. I had been toying with the idea of getting a new car for a while but didn't want to saddle myself with car payments. I'm a freelance writer and my income is sporadic at best. But in the car world of accounting, a new car has monthly payments while a car you own demands repair costs in large, lump sums. My accountant urged me to lease a car since almost the entire cost could be deducted for my business. I loved the idea of a lease, since I get bored with my cars after two years. No sooner had I decided to start looking for a car then my mother called to tell me about Audi's end-of-year special moving their Audi A4 2.0T models on lease for $350/mo with no security and no down payment. After some quick internet homework determining the A4 to be a sweet ride, I ran my butt over to Santa Monica Audi, walked in the door and asked the first salesman for a test drive. Sherlock stepped up and we went for a hard-torque spin around Santa Monica. I was sold and began the process. In my relationships with celebrities I've had the occasion to witness the spending of vast sums of money on a variety of goods. By and large, money does not always buy customer service. You only have three real cell phone provider options, so the big corporations don't really care about customer service (you are disposable). There's few real choices for gas, groceries, and office supplies so you never get a high quality retail experience there, either. But around the $30,000 mark things start to change and Audi of Santa Monica is proof of this. The salesmen are nice. They spend time with you. Get you coffee. Show you all the different goofy things about your new car, like the flip down visor above the rear-view mirror and the meaning of the mystery buttons ever car has these days. When I decided I wanted the A4, they did not have the color I wanted on the lot. They said they would bring one up from Long Beach. After a week, they did not have the car. I called the GM and said that it was fine, I would wait, but the week without the car would need to be refunded or credited to my account. No car, no money. Fifteen minutes later he called back offering me a quattro (AWD) version in the color I wanted at the same lease structure. I absolutely agreed. When I brought my car in to have the iPod interface installed I was given an appointment time and a completed time estimate that they stuck to. I recently brought in my car for its 5,000 mile service, which was included in my car's lease. I had a few issues I wanted checked and they had a technician drive the car home for the night for diagnosis. They arranged a discount on a rental car, though I was hoping for a courtesy loaner. Finally, until commission sales are removed from the buying experience, and the mystery of different add-ons clarified for the customers up-front, even the best car buying experience will still be short of perfect.

Auntie Em's Kitchen - neighborhood cafe
4616 Eagle Rock Blvd, Los Angeles, (323) 255-0800
My residential trajectory in Los Angeles has been distinctly south west: towards water. No matter how many people tell me Eagle Rock and Silver Lake are enclaves of artist hipsters where I would find community, there's nothing there that compares to living as close as you can to a giant body of water. The air in the northeast of the city sucks, the traffic is a nightmare, and have you seen the size of their potholes? The reason it's a hipster enclave is because hipsters reject mainstream ideals to be iconoclasts. But the one thing the mainstream has right is a lifestyle of clean air, blue skies, and tidal balance. And for those of you who may criticize that I just haven't spent enough time in the north east to appreciate it, I'll have you know that the same weekend we went to Auntie Em's Kitchen, I also ran the inaugural City of Angels Half Marathon which started at Travel Town in Griffith Park, crossed Los Feliz to descend into Silver Lake, traversed Echo Park and the lake, and climbed downtown to Civic Center. My wife has worked downtown for six years, I've driven all over Mt. Washington, and several of the "Eames-era" knockoffs in our house are from various parts of the north east craigslist community. Every second I am there the dominant thought is "sure, it's nice, but couldn't it be closer to the water?" I want my Case Study house with ocean views. With that in mind I'm both delighted and depressed to find a place like Auntie Em's, because it's so good I want it closer to where I live - I would eat here all the time! Of course, if it was on the west side it wouldn't be what it is: a fabulous neighborhood cafe whose casual environment belies its exceptional, original quality. If it were located in Santa Monica it would be twice as expensive, five times as pretentious, and the coffee would suck. Everything at Auntie Em's is made from scratch, and if not, is bought from small farms or artisnal cheese makers. Open faced breakfast sandwiches are generously portioned, and paired with a bottomless cup of coffee will set a pleasant tone for your weekend. The desserts look spectacular (and are made on the premises), and word is that their red velvet cupcakes are perfect. Auntie Em's Kitchen changes their menu to reflect the season; another hallmark of an establishment that curates its food rather than simply serving it. This place is clearly a labor of love for food and community, damn it. I want to come back every day and be a regular, I want to spend a fortune in their adjunct market and go cheese-crazy, I want to indulge in their Farmer's Market dinner. Sadly, it will be some time before I make it back because it's really, really, really fucking far away. Two can eat blissfully well for $25.
(Reviewed December, 2006)
www.auntieemskitchen.com

Aunt Kizzy's Backporch - soul food
4325 Glencoe Ave, Marina del Rey, (310) 578-1005
Going for soul food in Marina del Rey is like going to Mexico to buy herring. The shadow of the million dollar condominiums blocking out the sun so only the privileged can enjoy the view tends to cast over everything east of Lincoln. But in the shadow of such ghastly real estate is Aunt Kizzy's Back Porch, a genuinely good soul food restaurant. The wait staff is always happy to tell you about their nighttime singing career, and if you're lucky, you can get quite the rundown of the night's specials. You will not leave hungry. Greens done right, catfish, fried okra, and yes, cone bread. Aunt Kizzy's is a belly bomb for lunch, so don't expect to go back to work afterwards. For dinner, it's a tasty night out. Two people will fall asleep on the way home thirty dollars poorer.

Baby Blues Bar-B-Q - bar-b-q
444 Lincoln Blvd. Venice, CA, (310) 396-7675
Spectacular! I phoned in an order and was guided through my menu choices by a delightful girl who insisted I try the pulled pork as my first taste of their food. I would have had the baby back ribs, but I was working for a client and couldn't have sauce all over my hands as I worked on their computers. The pulled pork tasted like some amazing baked bread, the okra was garlicky delicious, and the collard greens lasted all of two seconds before I inhaled it (little chunks of bacon inside - caution). And get this - their corn on the cobb was smothered in chipotle butter and cheese. Mein gott! I cannot wait to go in person, try everything else on the menu, and proffer my sincere thanks for the great recommendations. I paid twenty bucks (including the delivery tip).
www.babybluesbarbq.com

Baja Fresh - “MexiFresh”
All over the city
Calling Baja Fresh "Mexican food" is like calling a fish filet sandwich at McDonalds seafood. But what Baja Fresh does is make burritos and enchiladas that are a good lunch, and that offers a much better choice than the garbage fast food joints all over town. For five to seven bucks would you eat a fatty cheeseburger made of several cows and suffer a food coma, or have a big ass steak burrito with spicy baja salsa? Don't think that you're getting any regional cuisine. Just because everyone who works there is Mexican, doesn't mean anything more than a reflection of the Los Angeles minimum wage demographic. More telling of the “MexiFresh” cuisine movement, Baja Fresh was bought by Wendy’s a few years ago. A meal with drink runs about six to seven bucks. (Note - fall, 2006: Baja Fresh has been sold by Wendy's as the "MexiFresh" model was a money loser. The new owner is a Korean dude. No word if kim chee will make it into the burritos.)
www.bajafresh.com

Bangkok West - Thai
606 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica, (310) 395-9658
A great menu, good prices, and fresh ingredients. About $15 per person.

Barney's Beanery - bar food mecca
8447 Santa Monica Blvd., West Hollywood, (323) 654-2287
Barney’s is where all bar restaurants turn to five times a day to get guidance on what to serve. Not only is Barney’s home to a massive beer selection of both bottles and draft, but their newspaper format menu is a nirvana of sloppy greasebomb foods. They claim to be home to the second best chili in Los Angeles, and they refuse to tell you who has the best. Potato skins are two giant scooped out potatoes crammed in whatever toppings you can imagine. They have gargantuan salads, monster sandwiches, and an almost infinite selection of beers to go with them. Hands down, my favorite burger is the Dagwood: bacon, cheese, chili, sour cream, and a fried egg along with all the standard additions. Have fun unhinging your jaw to take a bite. Have fun unhinging your pants afterwards. Once you add a beer to your order you're looking at close to thirty bucks for two people.
www.qsbilliards.com/barneysbeanery/default.asp

Beacon, an Asian café - Asian hipster
3280 Helms Ave, Culver City, (310) 838-7500
Think Asian tapas. Small tasting portions of mediocre quality (again where “playful” = “charging a lot for tiny portions”) ordered from a plank menu. It’s part of the new modernism, paying high amounts for minimalism. Beacon is fine food, but it’s also exclusionary dining. Only people who can blow $30 a head and feel OK about still being hungry afterwards should entertain an evening here. Their fresh peach martini was good, but desperately hip feeling. The assortment of meats, veggies, and fish are all deliciously enticing but the execution left me somewhat bored. Two people are probably going to be seared for $50 minimum.
Follow-up, May 2006: I've been back to Beacon a few times, first because they were highly rated by a few decent local papers (L.A. Magazine is smoking crack for putting them in the top 25 restaurants of L.A.) and I wanted to give them a second chance. They have greatly improved their quality but it's still very hit or miss. Their starters can be bland or crafty and full of fun flavors (try the Ahi Tuna pizza). Ultimately Beacon is an OK restaurant that is trying to remain inventive and appeal to the rich modernist H.D. Buttercup shoppers. They've lowered their prices so it's more accessible for the neighborhood, but people will still be startled by the small, tapas-style portions at entree prices. Since my wife and I moved a few miles west it's no longer our neighborhood restaraunt and it's unlikely I'll be back for quite a while. (Reviewed May 2006)
www.beacon-la.com

Bite - Asian
30 Washington Blvd, Venice, (310) 305-4010
Ahh, Venice. Steaming fetid shithole that by day is filled with asshole gangsters throwing hard looks and dealing drugs and by night fills with the human garbage that are piss-stained surf era burnouts and blonde d-girls who married their USC law date-rapist fraternity boyfriends. The stretch of Washington Blvd that is the dividing line between Marina del Rey and Venice is stocked with restaurants both good (Gaby's) and bad (the rest). Bite is unfortunate because it's very good Asian cuisine, but it's trying far too hard to be hip with its fire pits and way overpriced menu. Bite offers a unique skewer menu, "Robata-Yaki", but at $2+ for each individual skewer the cost adds up quickly. We also ordered a slew of sushi, all of which was fresh, inventive, and very tasty. I'd go back, but it's just too expensive! (reviewed January 2006)

Black Wave Tattoo - tribal tattoo shop
(323) 932-1900, 118 S La Brea Ave, Los Angeles
Five years ago I wanted a pair of arm bands on each of my forearms. These were simple bands, but complicated in that I wanted them straight and symmetrical. A number of friends had recommended I check out Black Wave tattoo since they specialized in tribal tattoo work. I went with a skeptical eye, since tribal to me is overblown on every frat boy and dumb jock's upper arm. In fact, you know something is past its prime when Microsoft uses it on their box cover. Black Wave Tattoo is owned and operated by Su'a Sulu'ape Freewind. His bio can be found on Black Wave's web site, so I won't go into those details. At the time, the shop had three artists working full time. Pai Tama had apprenticed under Suluape and was in charge of the walk-ins like myself and we scheduled an appointment. What he thought would take two hours turned into eight hours for each arm. As the low man in the shop he also had to answer the phone and talk to walk-ins, so that added to the time. But he also had to smoke a bowl every half hour, and the pieces I wanted were way more challenging than he expected. Six hours to draw, two hours to ink - each arm. 16 hours over two days. The cost was reasonable, given that he underestimated completely. My total cost was $300, and I love the work. While I was at the shop - for hours - I got to watch Suluape work. The piece he was doing at the time was a landscape of Yosemite on a man's back. Suluape had taped a 4x6 color photo to the guy's shoulder and was freehanding the entire thing, just painting the image on the guy's back. It was clear that Suluape was beyond just a talented tattoo artist, he was an amazing artist period. We got to talking about the work in his book, especially the tatao - the traditional form of tattoo done with two sticks and sharpened combs, bone, and stone instead of needles. Suluape had devoted himself to the study and art of tatao, learning Maori, Samoan, and Indonesian techniques. It put the seed in my head that I would like a body stripe one day, a plum line of design running from ankle to armpit. The body stripe is beautiful (when done properly), and it directly appealed to my personal theme of imposing straight lines on forms that resist structure. My photo collage work is joined by the straight lines of the subject while fighting the innate curvature of the camera lens. And personally, I rely heavily upon reason and linear thinking to solve hard emotional problems. I decided that I wanted a body stripe, that Su'a Freewind was the only one who could do it properly, and I would wait several years to make sure I was confident in my decision. In March of 2006 I approached Su'a Freewind to do my tattoo. What followed was approximately 9 months of phone calls gently reminding the shop I was still interested. Su'a is both in high demand and also lives life on island time. Due to injury, demand and, his, well, being an artist, I got my consultation in January of 2007. In May I got the call to come in for my first session. Suluape did the lower part of my leg with a machine in order to lay down the basic geometry of the stripe. Subsequent work was done in tatao, the traditional method of tattoo. Instead of scratching the skin into a pulp, which agitates the skin in order to absorb the ink pigment, tatao is a razor sharp comb, needle, or spike at the end of a stick which is guided and struck by the artist using a petrified rod. The teeth of the comb puncture and impregnate the skin with ink. There are a wide variety of these combs, all made by hand, that Suluape can use depending on the kind of line and pattern he wants to achieve. The result, for me anyway, was a much more pleasant feeling. Like being pricked over and over by a rose bush. I will take tatao over machine work any day. The line quality is very different from the machine to the tatao. Not only is it thicker, but some of the hairpin-turn detail is lost. On a mechanical level, the invention of the tattoo gun replaced the need for stretchers - one hand inks while the other hand stretches. But the removal of people from the process also removed the social aspect of the ritual. If getting inked requires several people to lay hands on the person for hours, there is the creation of a community, however brief, focused on a single task. You just can't be as impulsive with tatao. Tattoo shops are always full of people hanging out and spitballing. In a sense, the social aspect of a modern tattoo parlor remains an echo of the community that builds around a tatao where everyone is involved in the creation of the art. We're still not done, and that is perhaps my only issue with Black Wave. The shop is run on Island Time. You must be completely flexible with your time and availability. The end result will be a work of art created by a master of his craft - on you for life. You can also read more here.
www.blackwavetattoo.com

Bloom - neighborhood cafe with a seasonal menu
(323) 934-6900, 5544 W. Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
Welcome to the organic zeitgeist. In order to open a restaurant in Los Angeles you have to make sure you advertise yourself as organic, healthy, tasy, and fun. None of these tell you anything about the food, they're just complimentary adjectives to bolster your yoga lifestyle. When Wal-Mart is considered a leader in organic produce, you know the very meaning has been diluted. A corporation that works to lower national wages, destroy unions, and avoid health care for its employees is not organic. It's footprint, in fact, is massive and destructive. Therefore, when looking for a place to eat these days I tend to raise an eyebrow at anyplace that bills itself as organic and has the decor of a Seventh Generation detergent bottle. Bloom has set up shop in an emerging part of Los Angeles - emerging from auto body shops, section 8 HUD housing, and bars on the windows. (I suppose this is the new area to watch for real estate.) The menu offers a wife variety of salads with useless descriptors like "gorgeous" and "amazing", but thankfully also includes actual incrediets such as their Asian pear and blue cheese salad or the grilled skirt steak salad. I had the turkey chili, which was flavorful and didn't taste like something out of a vat. My wife had the Bloom Gorgeous green salad and ignored the edible flowers that I guess were the gorgeous element, and we shared the brie, wild mushroom and fig jam sandwich while our dining companion had the burger. While my chili was tasty and fine, the cornbread was super, loaded with jalepenos. My wife's salad was pretty good - I liked the dressing, but she found it simply whelming. The sandwich was definitely on the right flavor track, but it felt incomplete. The seeded bread should have been toasted, with some melt to the cheese. It was served as a cold sandwich and we all agreed it would have been a much better Panini. The burger looked wonderful, and I begged off having a bite opting to come back and have it all to myself. We dipped our perfect fries in the green aioli and swooned. Dessert was a must and I have to admit the homemade fudge was satisfying, but not earth shattering. I think I need a little more tectonics to my fudge and this one didn't quite shake it. I'll go back for the burger, the prices were certainly fine for the quality of ingredients. The busboy was a little too eager to clear our plates so the last quarter of our crushed mint lemonades were gone after we got up to look at the dessert case. Our waiter was acceptably playful, thin, hair-gelled, and queer. There's a bbq-shawarma-rotisserie joint just down the street that was beckoning me back to the area, so perhaps I'll cruise back to West Pico again. Dinner for three, with two desserts, was fifty bucks.

Blueberry - (GONE)
510 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica, (310) 394-7766
Yet another California style diner/café. Blueberry adds Blueberries to everything, but I think the winner dish here is the fried chicken salad. The wait is worthwhile for this café. A hipster menu of breakfasts and lunches and a groovy place to meet a friend. Two people can eat well here for twenty five bucks.

The Boneyard - Culver City Dog Park
Duquesne, north of Jefferson Blvd, Culver City
The Boneyard was a long time coming. We donated funds early on to get it going and now we try and take our two dogs at least once a week for socializing and general activity. There's enough room to run around, but little shade. In summer it gets very hot and you should watch your dog's feet to make sure they're not getting chewed up on the grounds. It's very dusty so you'll probably want to hose down your pooch afterwards. The closest dog wash I can think of is the Dogromat down Venice Blvd, assuming you don't have a house and hose yourself. If I had my druthers I'd have more shady spots for humans and dogs to cool off, but I guess I'll have to cough up some more scratch to make that happen! Please note, new dog licensing requirements go into effect July of 2007. Since Culver City (like Santa Monica and Beverly Hills) is its own incorporated city, they can impose restrictions like this to both curb interlopers without vaccinations as well as generate revenue that goes back into city parks and services. Please register your dog!

Bossa Nova Ristorante – Brazilian
7181 W. Sunset, Hollywood, (323) 436-7999
The first good reason to go to Bossa Nova is that you can get a great meal that isn't diner grease at two in the morning. They are open very late most nights, and the quality of the food doesn't go down with the sun. A hybrid indoor and outdoor main dining area means that you'll likely share your meal with a smoker next to you, there is also a small indoor only seating area near the to-go counter. The food is Brazilian, which for gringos means "not Mexican". Plantains, salads, chicken entrees, and great bread! Two for twenty five dollars.

Buddha’s Belly – pan-asian
7475 Beverly Blvd, Los Angeles, (323) 931-8588
We were lucky enough to be served by the manager, yet another unbelievably hot Asian man in Los Angeles. Super friendly with honest recommendations. The green beans were incredible, as well as the lettuce cups. You can get a little bit of everything here, including your fill of California Zen bullshit. Superbly fresh ingredients and chefs who know enough to get out of the way of quality flavor. Beautiful attention to detail and altogether a fine experience. Not cheap, but it won’t break the bank. Expect $20 per person when it’s all said and done.
www.bbfood.com

Burger Continental - pan-Middle Eastern
535 S Lake Ave, Pasadena, (626) 792-6634
I'd hesitate to even call this "Persian" because that would actually limit it too much. Burger Continental is pan Mediterranean, Persian, Greek, Armenian, and more. Kebabs, shawarma, dolmas, and an all you can eat salad bar that always features a giant slab of salmon. I've never had a bad dish here, and on the weekends they feature live basouki and belly dancing. The waiters are funny fellows, and the beverages are served in plastic cups usually found in theme parks or strip clubs. (You can probably see the wholesaler's geographic swathe by who has these cups). Average price for two people tends to be about twenty five bucks.
www.burgercontinental.com

Café Fiddlers - café bistro/Mediterranean
(323) 931-8167, 6009 W 3rd St., at Hauser
Fiddler's is a great little bistro near LACMA, which makes it a perfect place to eat before going into the museum. I find that when I'm looking at art or when I'm shopping at a warehouse store like Ikea or CostCo I need to have a good meal beforehand. If I don't, around halfway through I'll stop processing the color scheme of the Cezanne or not knowing whether I define grass colored towels as taupe or green with a little putty. Fiddler's serves Mediterranean cuisine such as gyros and dolma, and has the feel of a French/Greek café. It's adjacent to a motel and the patio has a view of the pool. Fiddle with the numbers and you'll pay twenty five to thirty for two.

Canter's Fairfax Restaurant – Deli
(323) 651-2030, 419 N Fairfax Ave, Los Angeles
Apparently there's a rule somewhere that says if you're going to open a deli in Los Angeles, sandwiches have to cost $13. To hell with that. The whole point of corned beef is that it's cheap beef cooked enough so you can't tell you're poor. Kishka? Knishes? These are table scrapings turned into entrees by enterprising Jews. So let's not kid ourselves that delis are fine dining. Tell Jerry's and Art's to kiss your ass, you're not paying that much money for what they've got. Canter's is still too high, but it's closer to what it should be. You can get a huge sandwich for about ten bucks, and a bowl of chicken soup with noodles, kreplach, rice, and a matzo ball will only set you back five bucks. When you need an emergency dose of Jewish penicillin, Canters hits the spot. They also have a great pastry and dessert counter at the front that is worth its weight in poppy seed. Average price for two people tends to be around twenty to twenty five bucks.
www.cantersdeli.com

Café Bizou – French
(310) 582-8203, 2450 Colorado Ave., Santa Monica
(818) 788-3536, 14016 Ventura Blvd., Sherman Oaks
(626) 792-9923, 91 N Raymond Ave., Pasadena
Cafe Bizou exists to prove you can achieve fine dining at down to earth prices. That's why there you're going to need reservations no matter when you want to go, and there's always a full house. The menu is stellar standard French bistro fare - fish, steak, rack of lamb with mint. But you can add a salad for less than two bucks and they have a reasonable corkage fee for BYOB. This is great food for those of us who want to eat well without breaking the bank. The rack of lamb is the most expensive entree and it's about eighteen bucks! The Sherman Oaks location is a rabbit's warren made of tents, while the Santa Monica location is a large portion of the Water Garden office complex. Both have delivered outstanding meals every time we've been.
www.cafebizou.com

Cagefree K-9 Camp - doggie day care & kennel
(310) 202-6900, 3385 Robertson Place, Los Angeles
With 7,000 square feet of open play space, pickup and delivery of your dog, overnight, small dog, and grooming facilities, Cagefree K-9 Camp is a great place to take your dog. The staff all have a genuine love for the dogs, and mine have always been treated well. When my pitbull/basenji mix dove into a fight that had broken out around feeding time, she got the brunt of the injuries with a puncture on her ass and a bite on her back. Jill, the owner of Cagefree, took my dog to the City Of Angels 24 hour emergency room, sat with her and kept her calm, and made sure she was taken care of completely. While it would be nice to think that taking your dog to an open play space will always be risk free, they are still dogs and accidents happen. I can say that in the case of this emergency, the owner took a vested interest in making sure everything was taken care of, and gave a full and immediate briefing over the phone. I was shaken, but everything turned out well. I would recommend Cagefree for dogs that have been socialized and can hold their own in groups of dogs. You will need to do a test run with them and make sure your dog has full vaccinations before day care or boarding.
www.cagefreecanines.com

Carousel – middle eastern
(818) 246-7775, 304 N Brand Blvd, Glendale
The main restaurant feels rather upscale, but the front area and patio are all casual dining. The lentil soup here is stellar, as are the kebabs and shawarma. A kebab platter is twelve to fourteen dollars.
www.carouselrestaurant.com

Carnival – middle eastern
(818) 784-3469, 4356 Woodman Ave, Sherman Oaks
Another Persian restaurant with great kebabs and shawarma served on heaping portions of saffron rice where a kebab platter is about twelve to fourteen bucks depending on the meat combination.

Cheebo - California cuisine
(323) 850-7070, 7533 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles
Cheebo was an odd choice at first. The day-glo orange paint on the outside and initial hippie-dippy menu initially made me want to turn around and head for a burger. But Cheebo is actually outstanding food and a great place for a weekend brunch. My eye doctor and my favorite clothing store, DNA, is just down the road, so I find myself at Cheebo with the wife more often. Their brisketwich is awesome, espcially plated without bread. Since going on a diet I've excised bread almost entirely, so it's always nice to see menus who can plate their food without fuss. Cheebo also now stands as the best latte I've had since getting back from Greece. (reviewed May, 2006)
www.cheebo.com

Chloe - new American cuisine (GONE)
333 Culver Blvd., Playa del Rey
Chloe is a lovely, understated restaurant reminiscencent of Joe's on Abbot Kinney before the whole world discovered it. Granted, reservations are best made well in advance so word is spreading, but the food is well worth it. My short ribs with green beans and orzo was rich, tender, moist, and delicious. So generous a portion, in fact, that I had to take home almost a quarter. My father's chicken was something Julia Child would have swooned over, with moist chunks of bacon adding to the succulent taste. The fish was hit or miss: the halibut (not on the menu) was stupendous, while the striped bass was either great or so-so depending on the taster. If you love cheese, Chloe has a wide selection for after dinner, as well as some funky desserts to finish. My only complaint is the desserts themselves. Somehow there was a decision made to fuck up perfectly good desserts by adding fruit to them. Panna cotta does not require strawberry sorbet (I substituted vanilla gelato). Bread pudding doesn't benefit from nectarines. Discounting the dessert chef's stone fruit fetish, Chloe is a lovely place. We also had the pleasure of a progressive left waiter who was quick to quote stats from Zogby's and Gallup to support his hatred of the neocons. Nice!

The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills - cheese store
(310) 278-2855, 419 N Beverly Dr, Beverly Hills
Excluding prison rape, Eli Roth movies, and Fear Factor, have you ever put something in your mouth and wept? Before you die, hie thee to the Cheese Store of Beverly Hills and ask for a wedge of Piave and a bottle of Savannah honey. Dip the fine shaved cheese into the honey, place on tongue, and bypass years of yoga to immediate nirvana. I was turned on to the CSOBH by a friend who is a celebrity chef. For my birthday I was sent a basket of seven cheeses, fig cake, olive tapanade, homemade sun dried tomatoes, and a bottle of wine. The piave was a home run - mild with overtones of pineapple. A tub of Clarines was the stinkiest thing I'd opened in my kitchen and by far the most delicious. The world of stinky cheese opened to me and now the Clarines and a fig cake are must-gets every visit. The experience of talking with the shop workers is educational, entertaining, and it's clear that these people love their jobs. There are few things more civilized than talking about the world and being fed slices of cheese in between words. You try a few things, you talk about what you like, and when it's done they eyeball the goods and throw out a number. This is an experience where you just go in and open your wallet. They won't take advantage of you - but this is imported cheese curated as much as stocked. Any of the folks behind the counter will take the time to serve your needs, just give them time with the person in front of you. While you wait, breathe deeply the glorious mold and let it become part of you.

Chipotle - not Mexican food
Taco Bell attempts a subterfuge in its menu by trying to convince the public that reconstituting 4 ingredients in different ways begets brand new items. In some ways, they are propagating the idea that Mexicans are so stupid that all they do is move the meat from the inside of the taco into an outer layer and they have a new dish. Taco Bell is neither Mexican food nor reflective of Mexican people. So it is with refreshing honesty that the McDonald's-owned Chipotle chain embraces its Mexican-food-by-white-owners menu and lays it out simply: bowl or burrito / pick meat / choose wrath of salsa / pay extra for guac. The end result is a completely bland acceptable meal when you're trying not to eat deep fried total crap. Thankfully, their sour cream does not eject from a caulk gun. If I have to see one more teenager pretend he's Peter North while preparing my food I'm going to pitch a fit.
www.chipotle.com

Chocolat - California cuisine
(323) 651-2111, 8155 Melrose Ave, Los Angeles
Chocolat labels itself French, Italian, Asian, Neuvo Latino, but all of this is code for "too expensive and trendy for you". They are cultivating a restaurant-as-scene-to-be-seen vibe so it really doesn't matter what the food tastes like. The more shit you throw on your menu the more it just turns into California cuisine. Because what is California? It's the bastard polyracial child of the pool cleaner who is fucking the development executive's Pilates instructor wife. And really, this is the restaurant that serves that crowd. My first visit was part of a dining event party and I was terrifically underwhelmed by the buffet food being served, notably because the chafing dishes were nowhere near as warming a rack as the silicone boobs on the guests. We were surrounded by retards who think that dressing up to go out means wearing a "vintage" $200 t-shirt, plaid golf pants, and Hugo Boss jacket and somehow it works as long as you step out of a $250,000 Aston Martin V12 Vanquish. I was definitely the anthropologist doing his field study work in the jungle of Los Angeles. That is, until I ran into a friend who happened to be wearing nothing but a corset, thigh highs, and a smile and I suddenly turned into King Pimp of Player's Island. She was there as part of the evening's entertainment for the event; kind of a Cirque du Solei with less capable acrobatics made up for with far less clothing. Perfect for Chocolat's vibe. I had a few of their signature chocolate martinis, which though tasty, are as much a martini as I am ever likely to own an Aston Martin V12 Vanquish. The sole purpose of my visit was my friend who raved about their "French Disaster" cheeseburger and I am compelled to try every cheeseburger in town. We returned a few weeks later for a real meal and - surprise - the burger was mediocre and less memorable than the train wreck atmosphere. But it serves me right for going into Mel's diner and asking Alice for the fois gras. The only kind of goose Vic Tayback knows is, well, ask Flo. (Reviewed May 2006)

Cinefile Video - indie video store
(310) 312-8836, 11280 Santa Monica Blvd, Los Angeles
One of my very first jobs was working for a mom & pop video store back in Washington, D.C. The owner let me work behind the counter when I was 12, which was highly illegal given that I was renting porno movies to adults. (It only got weird when customers asked for recommendations.) I worked for the store on and off for many years, watching three movies a day, building my movie vocabulary. The independent video store is a dying, damn near dead breed. Even in L.A. there's Cinefile, Vidiots (Santa Monica), and Rocket Video (Hollywood) and that's pretty much it. Eventually even these stores will be made obsolete by V.O.D., download services, and videos-by-mail. But nothing can replace the holier-than-thou attitude of the video store clerk. Cinefile makes good on the implicit pact of the independent video store: attitude, surly condescension by video store clerks, absolute elitism regarding obscure Tanzanian bush directors, and a commitment to misanthropy in exchange for really, really hard to find and out of print material. I love Cinefile and if I lived closer I'd use them all the time. Japanese, Sudanese, or Swedish film nut? They stock non-region 1 DVDs and sell the players that can play them. (Though if you own a Mac and download mactheripper you can rip any region DVD and watch the file on your computer.) Organize your library by director and fetish? So do they. Need to know the difference between every single Police Academy movie in the Steve Gutenberg ouvre? They can probably tell you. They might hit you, but they can tell you. Sign up for the occasional email and read about all the great movies you're missing because Netflix and Blockbuster don't stock really obscure stuff. (Netflix is getting better, but Blockbuster is the evil amongst evil.) Note: SF based www.greencine.com is the online version of Cinefile, but don't tell them I said so.
www.cinefilevideo.com

Ciudad – Cuban
(213) 486-5171, 445 S Figueroa St #100, downtown Los Angeles
I had a family meltdown at Ciudad with my parents. We took turns going to the bathroom to have massive crying jags and the wait staff came over repeatedly to make sure we weren't experiencing food poisoning. Very nice folks. Ciudad is a highbrow venue from the Border Grill chicks, but it’s catering to the foodie crowd who like expensive small dishes. Subsequent visits have been very pleasant, always making sure to order their mojitos. Bring the credit card, you're looking at a surprisingly high bill, especially if you order drinks. One bill was over a hundred bucks for three of us eating simply.
www.ciudad-la.com

Clifton's Cafeteria - 1930's style cafeteria
(213) 627-1673, 648 S Broadway, Los Angeles
Today's Myspace kids are so used to pervasive advertising that they reject any overt method to manipulate their habits. I'm pleased to see this, because the success of YouTube and Myspace is due to kids looking for genuine, earnest experiences. Marketing people are desperately trying to fake their way into viral advertising, but what they don't get is that you simply can't fake earnest. A shitty movie like Napoleon Dynamite confounds studios because they can't understand why a movie without plot, structure, or Robert McKee milestones can be such a hit. It succeeds because it's earnest, and the kids who made it unconsciously infused themselves into every frame. Clifton's Cafeteria is the dining equivalent of Napoleon Dynamite. Built in the 1930's, the cafeteria restaurant was one of several line-style buffets that allowed everyone to eat and be entertained regardless of how much they wanted to spend on a meal. It was, and still is, egalitarian dining at its finest. The last of its kind, the mammoth Clifton's on Broadway is decked out in a forest woodland motif, complete with fishing bears, waterfalls, and visual treats around every corner. You must visit the little chapel in the second floor, overlooking the ground floor dining area, where a pre-recorded loop offers a brief sermon for your day. The food, well let's be honest, the food is cafeteria food. It's all made on the premises, and most of it is fine, but are you really going to Clifton's for their sloppy joes and Boston cream pie? It's all part of the authentic experience - if the food was spectacular something would be seriously wrong. Make sure you give yourself time to wander around upstairs and check out the photos of the other Clifton's locations long gone; the neon-palm tree Pacific island location was amazing. Two people can eat here for $3 or $30. (Reviewed October 2006)
www.cliftonscafeteria.com

Club Babalu - Cuban cafe
(310) 315-9747, 1620 Montana Ave, Santa Monica
While the main menu is chock full of good Cuban-inspired dishes, I find myself compelled to their unbelievable desserts. Banana pudding pie with crushed Oreos, caramel tortoise pies, and sugar, sugar, sugar! The tortillas and burritos were great, but I dream daily of their pie case. $10 per person for entrees, another $5 for dessert.

Cole’s Pacific Electric Buffet – dive meat bonanza
(213) 622-4090, 118 E 6^th St. downtown Los Angeles
Descend the pit to Cole’s and you won’t feel like you’re in Los Angeles. This has the feel of a New York or Chicago subterranean meat cave, with white shirted waiters at the buffet ready to hack and slice your way to hog heaven. Heaping slabs of beef served with the daily special vegetable and your choice of sides. Cole’s is one of the oldest restaurants in Los Angeles, and certainly one of the dankest. Worth the field trip, especially for under twenty bucks for two people.
www.colespebuffet.com

Dr. Spiro Constance - optometrist
(323) 876-3325, 7443 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles
I found Dr. Spiro Constance through an entirely L.A. method: the valet guy at L'Ermitage hotel in Beverly Hills had a smashing pair of Burberry frames. I asked where he got them and he referred me to Dr. Constance. I phoned and set up an appointment. Some things to know about Dr. Constance: he's surly, always right, generally thinks other eye doctors don't know what they're doing, and has been doing his thing for so long he doesn't care what other people think. He likes his show dogs, his race cars, motorcycles, and his time off. I find him infinitely charming. He carries a small variety of designer frames (and can order just about anything else you can find), and will be very straight forward with you about what he thinks is right for your face. He's not an aesthetician, he just knows what he's doing. He's been dealing with faces long enough that he'll tell you what looks good and what doesn't. He specializes in contact lenses, and when I switched from frames to contacts he was exceptional at getting my prescription and fit perfect. Rick, his office manager, has been with him for years and deserves a kudos for how well he manages customer service, research for frames, and navigating insurance plans. I would highly recommend Dr. Constance to anyone looking for an extremely qualified eye doctor.

The Corner Bakery – a corner bakery café
(323) 965-7999, 189 The Grove Drive
(310) 824-1314, 1019 Westwood Blvd
also downtown, Manhattan beach, etc.
Pasta dishes for six fifty, coffees, teas, and freshly baked bread. This little coffee shop restaurant is surprisingly affordable and the food is quite good as well. The layout of the Grove and subsequent parking system was apparently designed in architectural concentration camps, with reprieves given to those designers who could make the worst, most agonizing system possible. Brace yourself.
www.cornerbakery.com

The Counter - burgers
(310) 399-8383, 2901 Ocean Park Blvd Santa Monica
The best burger in all of Los Angeles can be found at The Counter. They grind their own meat. You check off items on a clipboard. You pay six bucks for the burger, but every bite is worthwhile. Though their buns are delicious I now, sadly, fall asleep when I combine my protein bombs with bread. Luckily the Counter offers a "burger in a bowl" serving your burger of choice on a bed of greens. Highly recommended, especially if you load up toppings. Given how many choices there are of toppings and sauces on their menu, expect to unhinge your jaw like a snake, or use a lots of napkins. Fax or call in your order ahead of time because word is spreading fast and it's taking longer and longer to get in for lunch. But go there now and load up, because this place is awesome.
www.thecounterburger.com

CostCo - the newly discovered 10th level of hell
(310) 821-7690, 13411 Washington Blvd, Marina Del Rey
CostCo - like domestic abuse, only the punches come in bulk. CostCo represents everything I hate about America. Big everything. Giant SUVs. People locked in their own little bubble world, oblivious to anyone else in their path, angry when they actually have to acknowledge that there are others with needs. Long lines that have no pattern of speed. The mouth-breathing zombie customers who drift in and out of lane traffic deciding if today is the day they're going to buy the ten pack of SonicCare toothbrushes. Why do I go back for the pain? Because I eat a lot of fruit. And a lot of vegetables. And drink a lot of milk. And their rotisserie chicken is both delicious and six dollars. Six dollars! Kosher smoked whitefish for two thirds less than any deli in L.A. Alaskan salmon for pennies! Scotch for my father-in-law. The occasional wetsuit. Feeding my entire film crew for $50. Hebrew slaves for a fraction of their cost on the black market. Oh, wait, sorry, that's over at Smart & Final Solution, not CostCo. Every week I tell myself, maybe this time will be different. I'll go in the morning, when the obese Escalade drivers are still taking their diabetes meds. I'll wear my headphones - I'll shut them out the same way they shut me out, right? No. CostCo will always be an abuser. All I can do is wear more padding and dive back in.

Crepe To Go - crepe kiosk
(310) 477-8385, 2117 Sawtelle Blvd, Los Angeles
Fuck you, Jerry Seinfeld, for giving us the Soup Nazi as a cultural touchstone. Every review of this place has to invoke the tired metaphor of "Crepe Nazi" to describe a half-baked gimmick for serving for half-decent crepes. If only his crepes were mind-bendingly good as to be worth the schtick. But sadly, the crepes are serviceable, tasting like they came from a bag mix. His chicken breast is seasoned with soy sauce, and his spinach seems fresh enough. The majority of his menu is fruit, syrup, jams, and other pre-packaged goods dumped onto the same crepe batter and served from behind his anonymizing wall of plastic signage. It's a dude serving street food out of a tiny kiosk in Nanotokyo. He's got to work some angle to bring in the customers, it's just a shame he spent so much time on those cheap plastic signs instead of making dynamite crepes.

Crazy Fish - sushi
(310) 550-8547, 9105 W Olympic Blvd, Beverly Hills
"Crazy Gideon" is an Israeli electronics merchant in downtown L.A. He grabbed his schtick from "Crazy Eddie" from the east coast, a New York chain of discount electronics stores. Like many immigrants, the subtlety of American idioms like "crazy" didn't translate for Gideon and his version of crazy is both scary, hostile, and not at all charming. Yes, his prices are insane. So is his need for a straightjacket and heavy doses of Thorazine. The same can be said for "Crazy Fish". Under normal circumstances, fish should be fresh, prepared by a trained chef, and served by an attentive, competent staff. Oh ho ho, not at Crazy Fish! Horrible fish prepared by incompetents and served by... apparently no one. Their spicy rolls and cooked dishes tasted slathered in a heavy mayonnaise, making the gag factor higher than newbie tapioca wrestling night at Weight Watchers. The fish is not fresh, the staff barely capable, and the ambiance feels like you're thrust into a twelve year old's myspace page. Many people commit suicide by leaping off buildings, slitting their wrists, or hanging. Committed to your death? Come to Crazy Fish and order the blowfish.

Culver City Municipal Plunge - pool
(310) 253-6680, 4175 Overland Ave, Culver City
25 yards wide, 50 meters long. Lap lanes from 6:45am to 8:45am, classes for everyone from under 6 swimmers to adults like myself. Two weeks of classes, five days a week, half an hour long, were $45 as a Culver City resident. How much do I LOVE the Culver, baby?! 2007 is my triathlon training year, culminating in my first event, the L.A. Triathlon on September 9th. I'm a strong recreational swimmer but needed to learn the front crawl/freestyle for the official races. The classes at the CCP were cheap, taught by friendly staff, and always fun. I'm an odd duck; I enjoy doing things that are new, strange, and difficult. I can run dozens of miles, bike forever, but swimming is an incredible workout that requires stamina, coordination, and a relaxed but steady form. The instructors at the CCP have been great in getting me ready, quickly, for my triathlon! Entry is $3 per visit, you can also get a frequent multi-day pass. Full lockable lockers, bike rack in the front, and working hot water showers for both sexes.

Culver City Volvo - Volvo sales & service
(877) 253-7968, 11201 Washington Blvd, Culver City
We own a 1995 850 Turbo wagon. It has a flip down child seat in the rear. It has a fold-down bench seat in the very back that seats three kids. All it's missing is a uterus monitor built into the dash to completely freak us out. It's my wife's commuter car, it's the right size to take both dogs to the park, kennel, or on a long trip, and it's got 130,000 miles on it. The car's very sporty and overall has been a great car. But when something goes wrong... ka-CHING! I've taken the car twice to Culver City Volvo for service and before I get into the cons, let me say that they did, in fact, fix what was wrong and it did not need to go back for any corrections. When you go the dealer for repairs, the implicit agreement is to be anally violated in fees so that the job is done right. I'm willing to pay more if the level if service is high. It just isn't so at CC Volvo. Mind you, the service techs are very nice. But they don't call to tell you there's going to be a delay in the original estimate of repair time. They don't offer alternatives to complete and total replacement, and they don't take American Express. (The last point is only sticking in my craw after walking several miles to pick up my car and not having my Mastercard on me. Somehow I can run a marathon, but walking to the dealership twice is just aggravating.) Service reps won't even look at another rep's ticket, so if your guy isn't there when you call or come in, forget about getting any answers at all. The last time I brought in the car, my rep seemed to take a lot of lunches, or his phone was always going to voicemail. Since he was lax in following up with the delays this made things very frustrating. Also, labor charges seem to vary based on the kind of diagnostic or repair they are performing. Check your bill and don't hesitate to ask questions. If you bring your Volvo to them it will be fixed, eventually. It will also cost significantly more than you expect and take much, much longer. I'd take my car to Jim Matson, but Volvos require specific tools and repair machinery that few mechanics want to deal with. Jim's smart enough to wave my car off and send me to the dealer. I'll go back to Bjorn at the Swedish Auto Clinic in Venice again for the other repairs I need. Bjorn and his boys do decent, affordable work, but my last experience there was spotty and required multiple visits to get right. I suppose I just have to accept my yuppie lifestyle and embrace the Volvo, expenses and all. I dread the day when the baby light comes on the dashboard.
www.culvercityvolvo.com

Diddy Riese Cookies - cookies!
(310) 208-0448, 926 Broxton Ave, Westwood Village
Diddy Riese only makes cookies and brownies and they are awesome. I think they are mostly a catering supply, or food service supply, but they also sell their freshly baked cookies to the throngs of UCLA students and movie theater patrons in the Westwood Village. But the best part is that most cookies are thirty five cents, as well as the little shortie of milk you can get with it! It almost redeems the presence of the schmucks who usually make up the wildlife of Westwood. Go for a total indulgence of two sugar bomb cookies as an ice cream sandwich for a buck.

Dinah's Family Restaurant – diner
(310) 645-0456, 6521 S Sepulveda Blvd. Los Angeles
Ahhh, after church on Sunday is a fine time to go to Dinah's, apparently. A diner that specializes in fried chicken and oven baked pancakes, Dinah's is a giant dive that's not quite a googie, not quite a diner, and evidently is not related to Dinah Shore, though it should be. Hipsters haven't spoiled this place yet, so you can still go get an honest egg cooked on a good grill. Two people can get stuffed for twenty bucks.
www.dinahsrestaurant.com

Double Dog Dare Ya - doggie day care & kennel
(818)846-2234, 122 W Linden Ct, Burbank
Patrick Guilfoyle is a man of exceptional taste and that extends to how he treats his canine guests. He has built an oasis for dogs in Burbank, a swanky spa for your pooch where they can play and frolic while you vacation or work watching them on webcams. My wife and I are freaks, in that we are in our thirties without children and two dogs that we DO NOT ANTHROPOMORPHIZE. They are dogs, not children. Because we understand they are dogs we do not pamper them as if they were people, we treat them well as befits their species. Their idea of vacation is to roll in water, sniff strange ass, pee on each other, and play all day. (OK, that may be some human's idea of fun, too.) We have two dogs, a pitbull/basenji mix allergic to everything, and an ex-racing greyhound. They love their time at DDDY and we rest assured knowing Patrick and his exceptional staff take top care of our dogs. The greyhound's skin can tear like rice paper, and those tears can keep ripping if they're not caught in time. So far no tears, which to me says that fights and skirmishes are caught in time and stopped. Double Dog Dare Ya is a premium doggie day care and kennel, so expect to pay more than other places. But if you are in a position to do so, and understand that "hotelling" your pet is both stupid and really just bores them, take them to Double Dog and envy the simplicity of modern design as applied to dogs. Outdoor play-area has tarps for shade, a swimming pond, and lots of room to roam. They cap their population to prevent a negative caretaker:dog ratio. Their informal motto is a dog that sleeps for two days after a visit is a job well done. In the many times my dogs have been there, "sleep" is a polite way of saying "comatose".
www.doubledogdareya.com

Doughboys – Café
(323) 651-4202, 8136 W 3^rd St., Los Angeles
Doughboys is an L.A. scenester restaurant, and if you can deal with the wait time and having some twit hover nearby your table you will discover that the reason everyone is there is the food. It's California café, which means it's regular café food with salads, sandwiches, entrees with gourmet additions like Gorgonzola and truffle oil, and bread with rosemary with roasted garlic. The wait staff tends to shop on Melrose and wear t-shirts that are a size too small. Very L.A. Average price for two people is about twenty five bucks before tip. (They expanded into the space next door and wait times have been significantly reduced.)
Note, as of December 2006: Doughboys has remained a favorite destination for many months. Their beef chili is outstanding, and the after-school special of grilled cheese and tomato soup is one of the best things I've ever eaten in my life. If Doughboys were any closer to my house, I'd eat here daily.
www.doughboys.net

Doughboys Hollywood - Cafe
1156 Highland Ave, Los Angeles
I wish I could just cross-reference my review of Doughboys on Third, but alas, it is not the same experience. When you call the Third Street location they promise the Hollywood location has the same staff and menu. Perhaps, but apparently they all had their brains sucked out of their heads and decided the Doughboys menu was missing a giant layer of incompetence to make it better. Service is atrocious, forgetful, and actually intensely annoying. Drink orders take forever, there's no continuity of waiter, and they actually managed to cock up every dish we ordered that we'd all had before at the Third location. Who the fuck cut the crusts and shorted the cheese on my afterschool special? And did someone just piss in the vegetarian chili or did they actually take time to make it taste like whizz? Wait for the old location to finish its remodel or let the new staff know that the Hollywood location is doing its best to ruin the brand.

Dr. Hogly Wogly's Tyler Texas BBQ - BBQ, Sepulveda
(818) 902-9046, 8136 Sepulveda Blvd, Van Nuys
There is a trend to my dining. Beef dives. There's not innuendo meant there. I just like huge heaps of beef served to me in the most unpretentious environment possible. There's nothing fancy about the Dr. - plastic plates, screaming babies, wet naps by request only. They make one hell of a plate of beef. Hickory smoked sauces, roasted chickens, a meat bonanza. Creaky wooden seats designed for fatties trucking wide loads. Bring a bib and about twenty five bucks for two people.

Earth, Wind, and Flour - Italian cafe
1776 Westwood Blvd, Los Angeles
2222 Wilshire Blvd, Santa Monica
You may notice that I've included a few chain or polylocated restaurants on this list. It's because that's often where I eat, damn it. Sometimes a restaurant's ability to open multiple locations is due to the quality of its food. In the case of Earth, Wind, and Flour they have achieved quality, reliable Italian food, without the weird "I'm eating in a Mariott" feeling of The Olive Garden. Pasta, pizza, and salad are not expensive foods to make in mass, thus the secret of the success here is in feeding starches to fatties. But when we go to Earth, Wind, and Flour we order their chopped salads. Monstrous portions that continue on for lunch the next day. Their BBQ chicken salad in particular is outstanding, but you can't go wrong with any of them. Their standard entrees are perfectly fine, so if you're looking for a decent place to bring your clan of anti-Atkins, this is it. Sawdust on the floor and cloying waiters. Most importantly you can get away for ten bucks per person.
www.earthwindandflour.com

Edie's Diner - diner - CLOSED AS OF FALL 2007
(310) 577-4558, 4211 Admiralty Way, Marina del Rey
Edie's diner adjoins the Harbor House - they share a kitchen, in fact. The food is very good and the silly 50's decor is goofy enough to be pleasant. The benefit of sharing a kitchen with a better restaurant is that the rising tide lifts all boats (which you can see from the patio overlooking the harbor). Great breakfast food at good prices. Rock solid burgers and delicious milkshakes. (April, 2007)

Elixir Tonic & Tea - GONE
(310) 657-9310, 8612 Melrose Ave, West Hollywood
If there is one theme amongst most Los Angeles guides of what to do, it's "retreat". What this means of course is that if you want to enjoy this city you have to get out of it. Elixir provides this sort of haven by serving tonics and, well, elixirs, made with teas, roots, and other traditional herbs and remedies. They have a storefront that sells loose teas and herbs, as well as candles, yoga accessories, meditation props, and other things that support the commodification of the traditions that eschew material goods. The Zen garden patio is a lovely, quiet getaway where you can enjoy a tonic refresher, or hot tea. Everyone should have a bottle of "Yin from the cold" in their pantry, because it actually helped me dodge two oncoming colds. There is some truth to 4,000 years of Chinese medicine. Elixir also has an on site herbalist who will do a free consultation (for first-timers). When you're done at Elixir you will step back outside and be reminded of all the expensive housewares and goods you can't afford. Especially after paying three bucks for twenty cents worth of liquids. Newage Starbucks, anyone?
www.elixir.net

El Coyote Spanish Café - Mexican food for tourists
(323) 939-2255, 7312 Beverly Blvd. Los Angeles
El Coyote is what Republicans think Mexicans are like. It's one of the oldest restaurants in Los Angeles and it delivers on your tourist red-state expectations of Mexican cuisine and culture. The guilty pleasure is that the food is really, really good and deeply satisfies the crappetite. A huge menu of the same ten items reconstituted different ways. Rolled, fried, plated, sauced; the variety of ways to serve beef, pork, and chicken are myriad. Waitresses in big rainbow skirts and waiters who feign poor language skills. You can pretend you're on a scheduled cruise ship getaway! Great food that blocks your colon like concrete.
www.elcoyotecafe.com

El Pollo Loco - the chicken, it is crazy
All over L.A.
I had a roommate once, an ex-bodybuilder who would instate "codeine Sundays". He would pop two codeine and chase them with a beer, then have El Pollo Loco deliver a heap of roasted chicken. Ahhh, memories. Now I have El Pollo Loco post-yoga Saturdays, as it's a great way to eat fast food without actually eating fast food. The smokey black beans are awesome, and I highly recommend replacing the boring pinto beans with them on your burrito. Nothing beats having twenty square feet of grill covered in splayed chickens in varying states of cooked - from blue-ish yellow to char grilled. This is what good fast food was meant to be, not the horror that is McDonalds.
www.elpolloloco.com

El Segundo Dog Park - dog park
E Imperial Avenue & McCarthy Court, El Segundo
The El Segundo dog park is a long, narrow park that has plenty of room to throw balls with your Chuckit while watching jets take off and land at LAX. The quality of the El Segundo dog park has dwindled over the years. Upkeep has been lax (lax - LAX, hah!) so the grass has been chewed down to the rock underneath. My pitbull tends to tear up her paws pretty badly because she has no off switch, even when her feet are bleeding. Pitbulls were bred partly for their pain tolerance, and it can be difficult to check her feet when all she wants is to PLEASE THROW THE BALL AGAIN! My greyhound can lap the whole park in five seconds, but that has more to do with the fact she's an ex-racing greyhound than the size of the park. Weekends are more busy than weekends, obviously, and your pooch doesn't need to have an El Segundo dog license to enjoy the park. Clean up after your dog, and visit the doggie wash (whose name escapes me - review coming) just down the street afterwards.

EM Bistro - GONE
(323) 658-6004, 8256 Beverly Blvd
I enjoy eating well, but it's hard for me to understand what makes one place's gourmet potato chips different from another place's gourmet french fries. There's a level of bombastic highbrowness to it all that is lost on me. Are they serving six dollar potato chips because it's funny? Do they think that most of their clientele doesn't just go to Ralphs (sorry, Bristol Farms) and buy a sack of chips? The reason rich Beverly Hills people get liposuction and face lifts is because they eat like shit all day long. They may pay six bucks for a plate of chips but it's doing the same thing to them as the poor chunkpot stuffing their face right from the bag. EM Bistro is a curious instance because while it serves homemade potato chips for more than $1.79, the rest of the menu is purely joyful comfort food. Lots of great meats, fish, and vegetables served by an attentive wait staff who is congenial and well versed in their menu. We were taken care of from door to dessert by everyone. It's swank dining in a swanky modern decor, but there still remains something extremely pleasant about it all, and pricewise it was not as appalling as some of the numbers I've seen snuck on the side of plank menus. If I had the wherewithal this is a place I would dine at regularly - but I'd have the chips from the bag beforehand. They're just fucking potato chips, onion créme fraîch be damned.

Fairy's Nails - nail salon and spa
(310) 839-1636, 10766 Washington Blvd, Culver City
There's got to be a bazillion nail salons in this city, and not much separating one from another other than the sheer number of Vietnamese women staffing them. I found Fairy's because I live nearby and I was looking for a field trip to do with my wife. Of the two nail salons in walking distance, Fairy's was the cleanest looking with an autoclave in the rear and plastic liners on all the buckets and spa equipment. My wife and I each got a mani/pedi and they did a great job. Since we don't speak Vietnamese we were kind of in the dark conversationally, but we were treated well and pampered nicely. They have a couple of deluxe spa chairs, so you can always upgrade your experience and sit in the fancy leather jobs. The best thing is that Fairy's has got to be the cheapest salon in town. Twenty bucks each for a mani/pedi. It was so inexpensive I added a foot callous removal for $4! I tipped well for having subjected the poor woman to my man-feet. May I be the first man to request that the French nail and acrylic fad END?! I'm pretty much sick of every woman in L.A. having big, white, plastic nails. I'll never forget my first MILF, my fifth grade teacher, Eunice Heckman. She had the most gorgeous red, natural fingernails. Please, let the porno-chic era end so we can herald the return of red.

The Farm of Beverly Hills - cafe
(310) 273-5578, 439 N Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills
My dad was a class climber, the son of blue collar parents who married up across the railroad tracks. Unfortunately, he married a crazy psycho bitch from hell with evil parents to boot, so much of my father's first marriage was spent lashing out in rebellion to his situation. Part of that lashing out was spending his way to happiness with material goods, so when my sister and I came along our childhoods were marked by having a father who bought cool stuff and a mother who hated being the one who had to save every penny for a rainy day. As an adult, I've had to reconcile my own class aspirations and happiness through conspicuous consumption with my career and life choices. I work with people who have, for all intents and purposes, infinite wealth, and sometimes acting as their proxy I can spend some of that money and briefly taste that lifestyle. Which is why I've spent more and more time in Beverly Hills. While I acknowledge that there is a lot of pretentious snootiness about the place, the resentment from the plebes is because the price of admission to the adult amusement park is high. Your wallet must be *this big* to ride. Sure, you can slag on the price of everything, but you're paying for an experience and not just the base product. Those who still separate the two things are unwilling to accept the rules of a capitalist system. This is exemplified by The Farm of Beverly Hills. I've been consistently treated well whether dining solo, in pairs, or a group of six. They take reservations for all meals, but walk-ins are welcome. I've never had a bad meal here, most recently after a quick stop in at the Cheese Store next door. I had the turkey burger, which was moist and flavorful. The only better turkey burger I've had is at the Texas BBQ King at Figueroa and Caeser Chavez - an altogether different experience than The Farm. Our server was kind enough to ask how my friend wanted her Ahi tuna cooked with her Nicoise, which though I appreciated we both felt was kind of silly. In the past I've enjoyed their pizzas and sandwiches, especially their applewood smoked bacon with avocado and their BBQ beef brisket with grilled onions and cheese. Salads are also fresh, hearty, and generous, and once you get over the sticker shock, know that you could stretch one of them to a second meal. I finally had one of the giant Oreo cookies and my blood sugar swooned with delight. It might just be sweet enough to finally kill my diabetic biological mother. It's easy to bitch about the prices of things, but I'm willing to pay more to get good customer service, friendly treatment, and quality products. My greatest joy is finding these things for bargain prices, but sometimes I just don't want to work that hard. I'm OK paying more if I can be sure I'll have a good experience. I'm not spending my way to happiness, but I recognize that working hard is meaningless if I curb my desires to save a few bucks and still don't have a good time.
www.thefarmofbeverlyhills.com

Farmer Boys - burgers, diner
726 S. Alameda St. Los Angeles, CA
Farmer Boys was started by a cadre of Greek brothers who emigrated to southern California and opened up burger joints as they arrived. The Farmer Boy burger is a great traditional burger worth mentioning for two reasons: a generous sized double patty with avocado and bacon is $4.69, and the S. Alameda location is open 24 hours. The rest of the menu offers a very Denny's-like variety of Things You Can Fit in a Deep Frier, and the SoCal standard, "Regardless of Our Owner's Ethnicity We Are Mexican Line Cooks So You Can Always Have a Burrito".
www.farmerboys.com

Fatburger – burgers
All over LA
Southern California may have a reputation for being full of granola heads, but like everything in L.A. It's a surface lie. There are more burger joints here than grains of Grape Nuts in CostCo. For my money, nothing compares to a Fatburger with cheese and an egg. I'm not a chili fan, but friends tell me the chili fries are good, too. Magic Johnson recently bought the franchise and he's keepin' it real, G. A Fatburger combo with fries and a drink is six fifty.
www.fatburger.net

Foodies - GONE
(310) 473-8272, 11701 Wilshire Blvd. Los Angeles
Foodies is a very strange place in that the atmosphere in no way matches the quality of the food. Large, round wooden tables in an open, airy second story corner location in a strip mall at the corner of Bundy and Wilshire. A very high ceiling, and a giant plasma TV perched high on the wall. While we were there it was playing sports. There isn't a bar, so it's not on for pathetic men drinking and fantasizing about athletic competition. I am a moth, and therefore I cannot look away from a TV light source and found it very distracting. At any rate, Foodies serves soft pretzels as a novelty and their food, American cafe, is extremely well prepared and very tasty. The problem is that my memory of the ambiance colors my desire to go back. While the food was good, I had a roast chicken done perfectly, and the prices extremely reasonable, I just can't erase the giant plasma TV from my mind. See for yourself.

Ford's Filling Station - upscale neighborhood bistro
(310) 202-1470, 9531 Culver Blvd, Culver City
My wife and I lived in a microscopic apartment two blocks south of the Helms Bakery for six years. We were part of the new gentrification of Culver City which now includes "restaurant row" along Washington Boulevard, home to a dozen places of varying price and style. Ford's Filling Station is the highest end of the bunch and its packed bar and full RSVP book attest to its popularity. The food is overall outstanding with only a few exceptions. Their heirloom tomatoes were served too early in the season so the insides were still slightly white, and their cheese plate was served too cold (that didn't stop us from going berserk on it). After that erratic start my mother and I shared a whole fish topped with aromatics and clams. Mr. Ford came out both to say hello in a busy restaurant and pointed out that the best part of the fish were its wee cheeks, which we asked him to scoop out for us (while thinking of all the old ladies who would grab my face and mutter "shayna punim" when I was a boy in synagogue). My wife thoroughly enjoyed the trout and my dad had a salami meat plate. He would do this again at another restaurant (A.O.C.), and though I found it strange to serve what was essentially a late-night snack as a very expensive plate of food, I can't talk because I ate over twenty dollars of cheese that you couldn't make into a sandwich. A group of four will cost anywhere from $30 to $70 per person depending on alcohol and appetizers. (Reviewed May 2006)
www.fordsfillingstation.net

Fred’s 62 – diner
(323) 667-0062, 1850 N Vermont Ave, Los Angeles
OK hipsters, once upon a time there was this little movie called Swingers, which starred a thick necked talentless goon named John Favrau and an even less talented corpse named Vince Vaughn. This movie took place around Silver Lake and Vermont Village, in the old parts of Los Angeles that go back to the twenties. For a while there, due to the popularity of the movie, you couldn't get into any of the clubs or dive restaurants because every moron in the town had slipped on a pair of tiger skin loafers and a polyester bowling shirt and had begged his girlfriend to wear Betty page hair. Now the scene has quieted down, and all that is left are the same old clubs like the Derby and the Dresden room, and the restaurant that still has style, Fred 62. The food here is hit or miss. You'll pay a bit more for the scene, but every so often you'll get yourself a fine ass meal. Everything is priced ending with sixty two cents, which is charming at first, then ceases to make sense. I suggest avoiding the swanky fare like the Thai tofu noodle bowl and sticking to things like the meatloaf and the jalapeño mac n' cheese belly bomb. They do burgers, sandwiches, breakfast food, and diner entrees. Ah yes, and the reason to go to Fred 62 is that they are open 24 hours, and they are not Norm's. Two people will eat for twenty five sixty two.

Gaby's Mediterranean - Lebanese
10445 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles and 20 Washington Blvd, Marina del Rey
There are two Gaby's locations, both have absolutely amazing food, but the Marina del Rey spot is the only one worth going to - unless you like dining in a parking lot with music blasting from crappy speakers while choking on cigarette smoke and hookah pipes. The Marina del Rey location has a small inside with about eight tables, though the patio is definitely the place to sit to gawk at beach pedestrians. Gaby's Mediterranean serves your expected lamb, beef, and chicken shish kebab and gyros, but with a distinctly Lebanese flair. They use liberal amounts of zatar spice, a delicious concoction of flavors floating in a sea of olive oil. If you can get over the texture, which sometimes feels like eating a dirty shag carpet, your tongue will be awash in a sea of exotic goodness. Try Bruce's Zatar Pizza, a split pita covered in zatar, cheese, tomatoes, and onions. Mind blowingly good. The labna is consistently fresh and adds a wonderful sour zing to anything you put it on.

Garden of Taxco - Mexican
1113 N Harper Ave, West Hollywood
This family owned restaurant is a neighborhood favorite and you can expect a wait on cold, rainy nights when you're looking for comfort food. Like El Coyote, Garden of Taxco fulfills your stereotypical Mexican restaurant needs, but the approach is more of being in someone's patio rather than a theme park that serves booze. The owner gave us a warm rehearsed litany welcoming us to his home, then rattled off the meat choices that would form the main course of a set meal. The meal includes a taco, an enchilada, and a heaping plate of meat, rice, and beans. Go enough times to Garden of Taxco and you can enjoy turning tents into your new pants.

Giovanni's Trattoria – Italian
(310) 839-1757, 10026 Venice Blvd, Culver City
Giovanni's is what your neighborhood Italian restaurant should be. Run by two brothers, I have yet to have a bad meal here. They make their own pasta, and their dishes are all simple and delicious. The salmon and farfalle seems to be perpetually on special, and it is exceptional. Their chicken ravioli is light and cooked to perfection, and their pesto sauce is made without an overwhelming quantity of olive oil. The boys don't drown the flavor of their food with garlic. The restaurant itself is small and intimate, with spartan decorations. The food is hearty, lovely, and very tasty. Average price for two people is about twenty two bucks before tip. Note – the brothers sold the restaurant in 2003 and I have not yet tried the new ownership!
www.giovannistrattoria.com

Genre Magazine - gay men's lifestyle reading
New York, NY
This weekend I visited a friend in San Francisco who happens to be gay. His bathroom is filled with gay magazines. WIth nothing else to read on the toilet I found myself catching up on back issues of Genre. If any man wants to know what it's like to be a woman in society today, just read some of these magazines. In short time you'll feel like you'll never be hot enough, ripped enough, young enough, or rich enough to succeed at being male. I found the interview with Marc Jacobs particularly hilarious, capped by the photo of him naked and forlorn staring out from his Paris apartment's tub. "I was so unhappy when I was fat. Now I'm thin and fit, rich, and hot and so much happier!" Suddenly I understood why women hate Cosmo. Normal women, anyway. I discovered that I don't have nearly enough sexy underwear that highlights my cock and balls. I don't spend enough time in the gym (sorry - a gay gym is never "gym", always "James"), I'm not having nearly as much sex as everyone else, and it's certainly not up to par, and if only I would get filthy rich in real estate, smear a gallon of pomade in my hair, and do situps until I puke I could be enjoying life on a gay cruise or party island. There must be something wrong with me. The magazine tells me so. Fitting that I should be reading it on the toilet, staring down at my package, passing the food that was clearly going to prohibit my entrance to gay Mecca. Well that, and the lack of cocksucking. You see, it's not reading gay magazines that make you queer. It's the cocksucking. And the only thing that should make you feel bad about being queer is being a lousy cocksucker. Congratulations Genre, you crush men's egos almost as well as women's lifestyle magazines. Somewhere I hope a big, fat, greasy bear is lubing up his fist to find your editors and show them what a real man feels like.

Gladstone's Malibu - seafood
(310) 454-3474, 17300 Pacific Coast Highway, Pacific Palisades
There's a number of restaurants that aren't on this list, even though I've been to them several times. The reason Gladstone's has taken this long to make it is because of two reasons: 1) every time I go I order a burger or steak because everything I want is too expensive for me to justify, and 2) we always go with the same friends whom we love dearly and it's more fun to watch them go berserk for the seafood. The truth is that fish bores me even though I know it's good for me. I love living near the water but have little interest in going in it or eating from its depths. I guess it provides me with an inner sustenance. Some of the best memories from my youth in Baltimore involve going to Phillip's in the Inner Harbor, strapping on a bib, cracking open a Maryland blue crab, and relishing every moment of delicious pain as Old Bay seasoning seeped into the tiny slices made by the razor sharp shell fragments. Scooping yellow "mustard" out of the females and digging for precious treasure in the deep chambers of the crustacean. The Maryland blue crab has been overfished out of existence, so those memories are all that are left of my relationship with the crab. I've gone back home and had the Louisiana blue crab substitute, but somehow it was like visiting my old elementary school: everything was smaller and harder to navigate. Gladstone's has lines miles long for their seafood bonanzas, but since seafood for me is more of a communal experience than a gastronomic one I'll simply enjoy the company more than the food.
www.gladstones.com

Glatt Mart
(310) 289-6888, 8708 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
Glatt Mart is one of the larger kosher markets in this stretch of little Israel. You can find a vast selection of middle eastern food and spices. Their vegetable section is quite large and the produce doesn't suffer from the standard close-to-expiry issue found in most ethnic markets and Trader Joe's. "Ethnic markets" such as Chinese, Mexican, and smaller kosher marts sell cheaper produce because it's ripe at point of sale and must be used quickly. This is fine for local markets serving immigrant populations who tend to shop for food a day or two at a time, rather than the large market shopper who tends to be a weekly shopper. Glatt Mart serves the neighborhood of Jews and Israelis as if they were a larger chain store, since the population has the shopping needs of both newly arrived and multi-generational residents. You can get your week's worth of groceries here, or locate hard-to-find specific items like zatar, Israeli cheeses, and frozen kosher prepared foods. For a long time, Glatt Mart was the only store to stock Sabra brand hummus, which, for my money, was the best hummus on earth. You can now get it at CostCo in vat-sized tubs. Glatt Mart has a large butcher shop, seafood counter, and sizable dessert shop all inside the store. There's also a good selection of kosher wines (when you need something to bring to shabbat dinner). And of course, a little kiosk blasting tinny Israeli music around the bulk-nuts section. For those wondering, "glatt" means pure, so when you see stores using it in their name it is both as an adjective and a message to the locals that the store itself is under rabbinical supervision. There's a lot of room in that statement, just like "organic" has come to mean a lot of things. If you want to make sure what you're getting is truly kosher, look for the labels and certifications - not the name. Aisles get pretty cramped, and you have to acknowledge that shopping around Israelis is a specific kind of experience. Remain calm. The yelling means they like you.

Goldy's Breakfast Bistro - American breakfast
(208) 345-4100, 108 S Capitol Blvd, Boise, ID
We were in town for the inaugural 70.3 half ironman and my wife's local research told her Goldy's was the place to go for our post-race-day brunch with our local friends. Research don't lie, folks! Goldy's was the PERFECT place to close out our time in Boise. Besides having an epic time in the city itself, and being greeted with overwhelming enthusiasm and hospitality for the entire race weekend, finishing at Goldy's was icing on an already stupendous cake. When we got there at 10am on a Monday we were told there would be a 1 hour wait. The hostess took our name down and my cellphone number. No one in L.A. has this kind of common sense even though Paris Hilton's DOG has a cellphone (and a held table at Spago, but only dogs eat at Spago). We went to get a cup of coffee around the corner at local chain Moxie (damn fine cup of coffee), and in less than half an hour my phone rang that our table was ready. Everything on the menu looked delicious! I had a very hard time making up my mind. (I should state that in my caloric-deprived and post-race endorphin high state it is possible that a Home Depot aluminum gauge chart would have seemed delicious.) Because of the day before I decided to take the brakes off the diet and go for broke. I ordered the day's special: two chicken breasts split over eggs, bacon, on English muffins topped with a spicy garlic Hollandaise sauce. And what the hell, I also ordered the French toast stuffed with bananas, brown sugar, walnuts, and butter! Bring on the carbs! Rest of party ordered pancakes for the kids, omelets, salmon cakes, and more. Everything is made to order and many of the items like the salmon cake and sausages are made on the premises so the meal took some time to get to our table. But the staff was extremely friendly and attentive and we certainly didn't feel ignored. Because when the food arrived IT WAS DELIVERED FROM OLYMPUS. Zeus's beard never had such offerings as I tasted. Farm fresh ingredients made perfectly and served in generous, almost mid-west proportions. I have been punishing myself by calling the ingredients I get in my urban hellhole "food" because the bounty that was on my plate that morning was worthy of the Platonic ideal of breakfast. Stealing bites off other plates yielded more detonations of joy, leading me to proclaim I was not going back home to L.A. I was moving in to a permanent table at Goldy's. My friends were welcome to visit any time. I'm sure Goldy's won't mind me moving in. Especially since I'll need to race a half ironman EVERY DAY to justify eating the menu EVERY DAY. It will be a life lived in sweet, terrible ecstasy.
www.

GODA Yoga
(310) 287-1255, 9711 Washington Blvd, Culver City
Goda Yoga opened in downtown Culver City in the fall of 2000. They offered an introductory weekend workshop that intrigued my partner enough to sign up and I joined her. The women who own the studio ran the workshop and though I went primarily to support my spouse, I was gobsmacked with how much I enjoyed the practice. We went to classes three times a week and formed a deep friendship with one of the teachers. It was through yoga that I began to understand that I could participate in a physically challenging activity that had nothing to do with the person on a mat next to me, that competing with others was futile since we have different bodies, different habits, different lives. While my time on the mat expanded the space between joints, elongated tight muscles, and connected my conscious mind to parts of my body that had been on autopilot my whole life; the biggest change I experienced was with my relationship to my body. Comparison and competition were stopping me from being a physical person. The crippling fear of coming in dead last, or looking stupid while trying something new, or not being good at something had stopped me from trying. Yoga changed everything for me. I was very lucky to find a teacher who led a secular practice with a rigorous focus on forging connections between the mind and body. She knew her anatomy, was unafraid of a challenge, and would only praise me for showing up - regardless of results. There are a wide variety of classes in this neighborhood studio. The two co-owners met via Anna Forrest's teacher training, but both have evolved their own practice as teachers and studio owners. If you are looking for a wonderful studio committed to its students and community, I highly recommend GODA Yoga.

Grand Casino Bakery - Argentinean bakery
3826 Main Street, Culver City
It’s actually a French bakery, but it’s owned and run by no-nonsense Argentinian women. The Grand Casino is a sta(ple of main street; they provide yet another damn fine reason to drink your coffee in Culver City. Family owned and operated businesses abound here, each one with a distinct flair and feel. The Grand Casino’s desserts and confections are irresistible, as is their mochas made with some sort of Argentinean choco crack. They make nice sandwiches, too.

Grand Central Market – ethnic food mart
315 S Broadway Downtown
Built in 1917 the Grand Central Farmer’s market is the precursor to the modern food court. Around 50 vendors individually own and operate their kiosks serving a variety of foods for great prices. Mostly Latino, there are also open produce areas where you can catch L.A. chefs in the morning scoping the goods. Come here when you tire of the parking mess at the Farmer’s Market.
www.grandcentralsquare.com

Green Clean L.A. - enviromentally conscious cleaning service
(866) 476-4736, Los Angeles
A two part review here. Here is the blurb I sent to Green Clean when they requested a quote from me, a loyal customer: I've been using Green Clean every two weeks for over a year. My decision to use them was primarily because of their commitment to using non-toxic cleansers. The Green Clean staff is consistently friendly, capable, and efficient. They work well around my dogs and have never damaged any of my possessions. To be frank, hiring a cleaning service or person in Los Angeles brings a giant set of unknowns. With Green Clean I feel secure in knowing my residence is cleaned safely and professionally without any doubts as to its environmental impact. I look forward to their lovely notes and a clean house left behind after a job well done. Now, let me qualify a few things. I use a non-toxic cleaning service because I have a high maintenance dog with severe allergies and a wife who makes me a better person by using environmentally friendly products. Truthfully, I really just don't care any more. I went to a severely liberal arts school, I spent years being holier-than-thou and to be perfectly honest I don't give a shit if someone uses fresh orphan blood to clean something as long as it works. But these are the compromises one makes in a marriage and as long as stuff feels clean I can support the hippie attitude. I'm sorry that others had negative experiences with Green Clean. The staff has always been very nice and done a solid job 95% of the time. With non-toxic cleaners you have to use a lot more elbow grease to get stuff clean and these folks have never skimped on my watch. I am here the entire time they do the cleaning and try and stay out of their way. Perhaps that's why I've gotten such a good experience. Or I'm not creating as much filth as I could and not challenging them. Truth be told, their fancy Miele vacuum doesn't get all the dog hair off my hipster Flor and I've got to do my own Hoovering later in the week. But it's clean. I acknowledge I pay more for the experience. With a $20 tip, a two person crew takes two hours and costs $115. I tip $20 ($10 each) because I like them. Could I pay less? Probably. Do I speak Spanish? No. Am I paying more to satisfy my inner hippie? Probably. Have I done any due diligence to find out if I'm paying more because they offer health benefits, union options, or other progressive "Green" values? No. This red is only concerned about his own green.

The Griddle Café – breakfast & lunch cafe
(323) 874-0377, 7916 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles
You've died and gone to pancake heaven. The Griddle is nirvana for those of us who occasionally find ourselves staring longingly for what IHOP promises and never delivers. The Griddle is a café, specializing in breakfast concoctions that are simply amazing. Not only do they have a dozen monster pancake specialties, but their coffee is freakin' fantastic. Each coffee order is served in an individual French press made to your strength request. Because it's next to the DGA, however, the parking sucks elephant butt and the tables outside are always jammed with wannabe starlets and their scummy boyfriends who think they're the next Johnny Knoxville; which should tell you their relative intelligence. Average price for two people is about twenty bucks before tip.

Hal's Bar and Grill - premium neighborhood cafe
1349 Abbot Kinney Blvd, Venice, (310) 396-3105
I hadn't been to Hal's in many years, since working at a Venice special effects factory. When I worked there, Hal's was the favorite lunch and watering hole of the commercial division executives. Hal's is an oustanding local restaurant for the designer jeans and sportcoat set. As Venice can be defined by section 8 crack houses and multi-million dollar properties sharing a property line, Hal's caters to the appetites of the latter while cashing in on the hipster chic of the former. Hal's offers live jazz two nights a week, and the art on the walls by world famous local artists reflects a taste as sophisticated as the menu. Hal's was the restaurant of choice that bridged the tastes of my in-laws, who like great food and local joints, and my foodie parents who want their visits to L.A. to include great meals and experiences. On this particular visit, my seasonal pumpkin soup was underwhelming, but my $14 turkey burger was damn near perfect. The lamb shank was an exceptional cut prepared masterfully with white beans and wild rice, the duck had an amazing flavor that defied duck's normal fattiness, and even the salads were remarkable. Unfortunately, the fried calamari had to be sent back, and there was an unpleasant seafood smell that greeted us upon our entrance. But in Venice, it could have been any of the neighbors.
www.halsbarandgrill.com

Hama Sushi - sushi
downtown Los Angeles
I run down Matsuhisa at every chance I get because not only was it the most expensive meal I've ever been treated to, but the fish and presentation was nothing I could not get downtown for a fraction of the price. Hama Sushi is perhaps the best sushi bar I've been to in town, possibly because there is a fish market next door. Fish comes in to the market, chef ducks through a small door to get the cut he wants. This is one of the only sushi restaurants I've been to where they have the standard Asahi beer menu on the table - and that's their menu. The specials are whatever the chef decides to give you, or if you speak enough Japanese you can get whatever you want. I don't speak a lick of it, so I let the chef do the surprising. In fact, most of the staff and clientele don't speak English which is why you know you're getting good sushi. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, and you can't pass crap sushi off the locals. The prices are basically market fish price. Back when we were rich we'd drop $90 and gorge ourselves. Nowadays we can get by for about $50.

Hamburger Habit - burgers and more
(310) 478-5000, 11223 National Blvd, Los Angeles
Behold the power of local cable TV advertising: I've driven past this joint a hundred times over the years and never been enticed to try their burger - even with the huge banners outside proclaiming theirs the best burger in town. But I've been barraged by their ads on the Food Channel so I finally made the trek to try them out a few times. The truth is, the closest they get to the best burger is their proximity to The Counter, and little else. The atmosphere is a cheesy '50's diner but it's littered with handmade signs of bad jokes - a clear indicator the place is owned by immigrants whose poor grasp of idioms allow them to use words like "best" frivolously. The staff seem to be gregarious wise-cracking versions of the guys at the Apple Pan, but because the burger at the Hamburger Habit is so mediocre their attitude is cloying instead of charming. The times I have been the burger was dry and flat, the bun cracked and spongy, and the cheese a yellow square fresh out of the plastic wrapper. I have ordered the corn on the cob instead of the fries, but was served a stick of corn so covered in butter that I couldn't eat the thing. Save your nickles and go elsewhere. (Reviewed November 2006.)

Harbor House Marina del Rey - "traditional seafood restaurant" - CLOSED AS OF FALL 2007
(310) 577-4555, 4211 Admiralty Way, Marina del Rey
(Also see Edie's Diner)
The Harbor House occupies a special place for me because, well, I got married there. We didn't choose it because we love the food, or we ate there all the time. No, we chose it because the venue was so accomodating and the general manager, Stacy, knocked our socks off with her enthusiasm, flexibility, and ability to host a 200 guest wedding for less than $10,000. When we told her it would have an artichoke theme, she didn't blink - in fact, she said their warm artichoke dip would be perfect (and it was). When we said we didn't want to do a wedding cake and wanted a sundae bar instead, she laughed and thought it was a great idea. We had an incredible wedding because we had a wonderful venue. Now, we've gone back every year since and I have to tell you - we're not their target audience. We don't eat much shellfish and they're known for their oyster bar. They do make a great cocktail (try their Chai martinis) and their steaks are pretty good. I suppose a huge draw is the bar - it's very friendly and comfortable, the music is low enough and the decor boring enough to keep out the pool buffoons and other seaside assholes. How much trouble is an old man in a Captain's hat going to be? (April, 2007)
www.harborhousemdr.com

Hoagies and Wings - hoagies and wings, duh
11172 Washington Blvd, Culver City
Why is it so hard to get a decent pile of wings? I blame Hooters. At some point their deadly combination of wings+boobs dominated the chicken wing market so it had become impossible to get a decent plate of dark meat without some serious breast meat to go along with it. I mean, I love boobs. Can't get enough of them. Especially the porn shots where some buxom thing is looking down at her rack with an expression that says, "Oh, my! They just burst out again!" Like they're experiencing seventh grade in a massive rush all at once, including the dark eye makeup. But sometimes I just want wings! (Not true. I always want boobs.) The newest location of Hoagies and Wings has opened, replacing local owned Markie D's Taste of Philly. When I asked my delivery guy why Markie D had closed up shop, the kid wearing an "I (heart) Capitalism" t-shirt replied that he didn't know why someone who closed early and wasn't open on weekends could have gone out of business. While I liked Markie D, the steak hoagie at Hoagies and Wings is just as good - and you can still get it wit' wiz. Scrumptious wings available in lots of great flavors, they deliver, and each order has been right and good. If they can figure out how to hire buxom delivery drivers it's all over for me.

Hop Li Seafood - Chinese
10974 W Pico Los Angeles
You can throw a stone in Los Angeles and hit a dozen Chinese restaurants. But if you're looking for a great place to bring a group of people you can't do much better than Hop Li Seafood. Fantastic standard fare with fresh ingredients and a friendly staff, this place is exactly what you want when you're craving any standard dish. Prices are very reasonable, expect $15 per person to eat really well.

Howard's Famous Bacon and Avocado Burgers – burgers
On Venice east of Sepulveda
Yet another seedy dive in a strip mall you've passed a hundred times, thought, "hey, I could have a bacon and avocado burger" and then forgotten by the time you crossed Sepulveda. Places like this have a real estate curse on them. I think it has to do with the donut shops. You'd stop for a burger, but then you see the donut shop next door and think, "shit, I can't eat a burger and a donut" and then keep driving. If these places had just a dry cleaners and a TV repair shop next door, you'd stop. But the donuts kill it. Howard's burgers are good, but there's not a great reason for their fame. It's just a good burger joint with a fun sign. Four or five bucks for a wad of beef here.

Hu's Garden – Chinese
(310) 837-0252, 10450 National Blvd, Los Angeles
If you want to spend a fortune, go to Hu's. $13 for an entrée! But it's worth it for one thing: the white fish. It's amazing. Everything else is fine, but just go once for the white fish. We revisited Hu's in March of '06 and unfortunately most of what we ate was dreadful.

In N Out Burger - burger stand
all over L.A.
In N Out is the second best burger stand in Southern California (I like Fatburger better). For starters, read Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser. You will never eat chain fast food again unless you bring your own e. coli testing kit. The secret to In N Out is no secret: fresh ingredients. French fries made from a whole potato. Real milk sundaes. Freshly ground beef made from one cow. But there is a secret language to the In & Out menu; I'll leave it to you to web search them all. My favorite is animal style (grilled onions, all the sauces), protein style (wrapped in lettuce) because their buns are spongy but put me to sleep. You can tell In N Out is a family owned business because they print biblical passage references on the bottom inside rim of all their cups. Five bucks for a double double wit' cheeze, fries, and a Coke.
www.in-n-out.com

India Sweets & Spices – Culver City
9409 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles
Culver City is home to a lot of fun, esoteric stuff. Two of them happen to be a block away from one another. First, you should get your ass over the to Museum of Jurassic Technology. More on that in a separate area. But know that if you haven't been to the MJT you have never been to a museum before. Just down the block is India Sweets and Spices. Culver City is home to a diverse Indian and Pakistani population and you would think this means there are tons of Indian restaurants. There's not, just a few. India Sweets and Spices is a great place to go to challenge your definition of "sweets". Indian sweets are made from chick peas and pistachios, rather than butter and refined sugar. Each little treat is a surprising taste. You can also get regular lunch-counter style food here, a hearty vegetarian meal for only a couple of bucks. While you're there, you can also stock up on that quart of Ghee you were missing in your pantry. A counter-served meal here is about four dollars.

Indo Café - Indonesian café
10428 1/2 National Blvd @ Motor
Fried rice is almost always greasy, heavy, and like Styrofoam packing is used to fill in the gaps when the main course won’t fit the plate. But at the Indo café, the fried rice has amazing flavor, is light and fluffy, and has enough things going for it that it could be a main dish itself. The Indo café serves, well, Indonesian food, which mostly looks like Thai. They can do any dish vegetarian, and they also serve a strange array of milkshakes including ones made with avocados. Super fine beef satay!

Inn of the Seventh Ray
(310) 455-1311, 128 Old Topanga Canyon Road, Topanga
The Inn of the Seventh Ray is incredibly attentive to food allergies to the point of being insane. This is the place to go for your loved ones with auto-immune disorders, which if you ingest as much meat as I do will likely be you very soon. It is amazing that my stomach and immune system can still distinguish between what is my flesh and what I’ve just consumed. Anyway, what was once a purely vegan restaurant has changed to include meat dishes, probably in order to satisfy all the men who had to take their Beverly Hills yoga girlfriends out to a vegetarian dinner and were tired of starving and paying the outrageously high bill. Lots of Mercedes SL 500s in the parking lot, lots of people irradiating their heads with cell phones. Menu items are arranged on their “quality of vibration” which is just a bullshit reason to charge a ton of money for a squash attacked with a Braun hand blender by a chain smoking Hare Krishna in the back room. The place refuses to carry any chocolate desserts because the head chef and owner calls it “poison”. Clearly they don’t believe in poison at the Inn of the Seventh Ray as there are rats scurrying along the lattice and in the bushes. On my first visit there was a coyote on the riverbed snacking on bagels cast into the ravine. Now that the nature has come to include rats, the seating is on unpadded concrete booths, and the waiters drip vegetarian sanctimony, I think I’ll wait until my thyroid shuts down to go again. Expect anywhere from $50 to $100 per person, depending on your consumption of red wine poison.
www.innoftheseventhray.com

Jadis - prop house
(310) 396-3477, 2701 Main St., Santa Monica
Jadis is an idiomatic French phrase that loosely means "sit, here's a story". Jadis is a primarily a prop rental store, and the owner is a self-taught engineer and builder. He was the Eames' chief fabricator, a master of softening and bending wood. A collector, he began buying gauges, meters, and odds and ends at garage sales and selling them to other collectors decades before eBay. Jadis is stuffed full of original Bausch microscopes, Tesla coils, medical mirror arrays, and antiques of every imaginable sort. It is a magical place to bring a child, even adults will wander around mouths agape. There's more that a little whackjobbery to be found, for you can't collect these sorts of things without being more than a little crazy yourself. Terry Gilliam loved the front window gears and toys so much he replicated them in his flying airships in Baron Munchausen. Fritz Lang's Metropolis robot, functioning Van de Graaf generators, posters, spectacles, and curiosities abound. Very much a curiosity cabinet, like The Museum of Jurassic Technology, but much more bric-a-brac. Jadis is rarely open to the public - the shop is by appointment only, often just for prop rentals. But on the days the door is open it's well worth the dollar contribution to step inside and look around.

Javan – Persian
(310) 207-5555, 11500 Santa Monica Blvd, near Sawtelle
When I look for a good Chinese restaurant, I never trust the place stocked with white people. Give me a hole in the wall packed with old men yelling at each other. In the case of Persian food (read: Iranian), I look for the age and demographic, too. Javan always has at least four or five great big fat middle Eastern men who have crammed their puffy feet into tiny little loafers. This place is perfect. For an appetizer you have to have the marinated garlic cloves that have been sitting in vinegar for 11 years. Their kebabs and chicken are splendid, as is their salads and soups. The lentil soup served with sizzling mint is a filling meal unto itself. We've paid around twenty five bucks for two people, before tip.
www.javanrestaurant.com

Jeff's Gourmet Kosher Sausage Factory
(310) 858-8590, 8930 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
When I was in 10th grade I started throwing up every day from stress. Unfortunately, after a month of this, the tang of bile was so strong I was off both sausage and honey nut Cheerios for almost two decades. You can imagine that it would take one hell of a sausage to bring me back to the encased meat domain. Jeff's is that sausage! Jeff's makes outstanding sausages, the chicken cilantro and smoked chicken apple are my particular favorites. I suggest calling in an order of 2 of each of the 10 varieties and doing a tasting party for your next barbecue! Keep in mind that because it is a kosher shop they're closed Friday afternoon, all day Saturday, and re-open Sunday.

JiRaffe
(310) 917-6671, 502 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica
positive review coming soon – more expensive swank dining
www.jirafferestaurant.com

Jill Miller Yoga
Equinox: 201 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica, Private lessons and workshops: see web site for info
Jill Miller changed my life. I began working with her at GODA Yoga seven years ago. When she left and embarked on a trajectory that would put her on a national Yoga level I followed her from studio to studio, and eventually was able to take private lessons from her. Jill's work comes from a deep understanding of anatomy and her own devotion to movement and the body. She incorporates many different traditions to create something altogether unique in her Yoga Tune Up classes. At present she teaches regularly at Equinox in Santa Monica, but her greatest work comes from attending one of her workshops held all over the country. Core Integration will connect you to your abdominals in ways you never thought possible. Her Hip workshops will change the way you walk. Jill is fearless in her teaching. I'm probably twice her size and she has the strength and tenacity to move, adjust, and help me reach places I never thought possible. Over the course of several years she helped me discover I had a neck! Without Jill, I would not be a marathon runner, or embark on my triathlon life, or be nearly as connected and rooted to my body.
www.jillmilleryoga.com

Jim Matson Automotive
(323) 939-2171, 4320 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
I found Jim by way of a referral and have had such great experiences with him I try to tell everyone about him. Jim is everything you want in a mechanic: honest, up front, affordable, and extremely competent. His shop is in a sketchy (but still safe) area because he likes having multiple bays and many mechanics working at once and rent is freakin' expensive everywhere else. I've brought four cars to Jim over the years and he's taken exceptional care of each one. When you bring a car to Jim with a problem he fixes the problem, and perhaps the only strange part is that he doesn't upsell any other services - or go looking for other issues if you don't tell him. I got in the habit of asking him to do a full inspection each time I brought in my cars - just in case there was something going on I missed. This is something that can be seen up or down, since some people want a proactive mechanic who will run down a list of all the things that need to be done. Personally, I appreciate Jim's approach. "What's wrong? OK. That's fixed now." And then he charges you a fraction of what you expected.

Joan’s on 3^rd, café
8350 W 3^rd St.
3rd Street is becoming hard to beat as the hip starfucker zone of Los Angeles. Zipper, OK, New Stone Age, and Flight 101 are just some of the stores where you'll find great gifts for your snooty modernist friends (like myself) while you shop alongside Alan Rickman, talk politics with Jake Gyllenhaall, and hold the door for a scruffy faced Jared Leto. All of these things happened to me, and I'm not even paying attention. Joan's on 3rd is a New York style bodega swank deli that has horrible seating but stellar food. A great variety of sandwiches, but the glass case of salads is worth repeat visits. A vast array of pasta, vegetables, and cheeses, along with roast vegetables and meats make for a variety of choices for anyone. Anyone who considers mortadella, apricot glazed ham, and grilled maple rosemary chicken breast food (as opposed to overdressed meat) will enjoy themselves.
www.joansonthird.com

Joe’s Restaurant – California Bistro
(310) 399-5811, 1023 Abbot Kinney Blvd, Venice
Joe's is by far the most consistently wonderful dining experience I've had in this city. It is so good, and so reliable, that the noisy room doesn't even pull down a star in its rating. For several years I worked at Digital Domain, at the corner of Rose and Main nearby. I've been to Joe's dozens of times for lunch and dinner and have never had a meal less than spectacular. Two years ago my visiting father got violently ill after a dinner at Joe's. Much to my relief, it was because of years of turning himself into fois gras and his pancreas was exploding. Thank goodness! I was afraid we wouldn't be able to go back to Joe's. Joe's has a wonderful, seasonal menu, an outstanding wine selection and exceedingly knowledgeable staff. Trust your server to guide you through what is good and bad, they will be honest with you about their tastes. I find that the price is not as high as most fine dining in L.A., so it is reasonable in its class. Expect to pay at least $50 per person if you do a full, multi-course meal with wine. Oh, and Dad's fine, thanks.
www.joesrestaurant.com

Joe Peeps – Pizza
12460 Magnolia Blvd, @ Whitsett, North Hollywood
Joe Peeps' is the "home of the 5,969 calorie pizza". It's not a deep dish, but it's piled so high with toppings and goodies that the crust has to be a little more spongy to safely accommodate the weight of the toppings. Joe Peep's is a fantastic pizza, and it will woo both thin crust and thick crust lovers alike with the quality of its pies. I strongly recommend the all meat pizza (pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, and more) with mild banana peppers. There is also a kick ass vegetarian pizza with more veggie options that I care to type here. And as for delivery, Joe Peep's will deliver anywhere in the world. You just have to pay for the delivery cost. If you eat in, expect a New York style pizza bodega covered in magic marker graffiti. The cost is higher than the chains, you can expect to shell out $20-$30 for a large or extra large pie - but it's so worth it.

Johnny's Pastrami
4017 Sepulveda, just south of Washington Place, Culver City
I have to hand it to them, this is a damn good pastrami sandwich. But the best in town is at Langer's (see other review). Johnny's will do quite nicely, a sloppy whopper of a pastrami sandwich slathered with sauce and served on sourdough bread. The place itself is often packed, and it feels like an old diner that's been there for decades. They also make a great shake and really good fries to go with your beef-a-rama. Any place where you bring the smell of the deep frier outside with you should indicate you're paying $8 tops for a sandwich.

JR's BBQ
(310) 837-6838, 3055 La Cienega, south of Washington, Culver City
J.R.'s proves you have to go into the places that look somewhat seedy to find really good food. J.R.'s is on the bend on La Cienega, just past Washington Blvd tucked beside office supply liquidators and furniture warehouses. It is well worth the trip for L.A.'s best barbeque, sweet and tangy, tender and exploding with flavor. Lunches are, for good reason, packed at the U shaped counter. For dessert, you can order a 7-Up pound cake if you have any room left at all. Average price for two people is about twenty bucks before tip.
www.jrs-bbq.com

Jumbo's Clown Room - dive strip club
(323) 666-1187, 5153 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angeles
Jumbo's is certainly one of the most surreal strip club experiences I've ever had. A friend of mine, recently returned from reporting on the Serb/Croatian war, came to visit me in L.A. wanting a rollicking good time to get his mind off the Serbian rape houses, mass graves, and torture chambers he had been reporting on for the last two years. I happily drove him on a bar crawl, along with another friend, a reporter for the UK Independent. (As a side note, if you ever have a chance to go on a drunk crawl with two foreign correspondents, I HIGHLY recommend it.) I saved the best for last. Our final destination was Jumbo's Clown Room. Why Jumbo's? Because you can see high class ass at The Grove these days. If you want to see GOOD plastic surgery, just walk about Beverly Hills, or run along the Santa Monica beaches. You've got to dig to find despair on display. You've got to turn off the light and wait for the floor to start moving. In Los Angeles, we hide our deformed cousin in the attic and stuff a rag in his mouth while the neighbors come and visit. Those scratching sounds you hear are the denizens of east Hollywood demanding to be saved. Jumbo's did not disappoint. My friend recognized the accent of the bar wench and they began having a long conversation in German. A half eaten birthday cake sagged off the side of the stage, while the dancer slowly churned her torso under breasts that had been bolted on like a doctor had juiced two grapefruits on her chest and left them. The decor can only be described as your grandma's living room circa 1962. I only wish there was more plastic on the furniture.
www.jumbos.com

Junior’s – deli
2379 Westwood Blvd. @ Pico, Westwood
mediocre review coming soon – it’s a fucking deli

Kinchans - Ramen house
2119 Sawtelle Blvd, Nanotokyo
When I was in college I subsisted for far too long on twenty five cent packages of ramen noodles. In reality, the ramen noodle shop is a traditional meal that can be elegant, tasty, and quite nutritious. Though I probably still don't want to know the sodium content. Kinchan is a little noodle joint that's a mom and pop run operation. Mom serves, pop cooks. The noodles are tender and flavorful, the broth steaming good. Go for a little spinach and pork and you're done. A bowl of Ramen here is around six bucks.

Kung Pao China Bistro
7853 Santa Monica Blvd West Hollywood
15025 Ventura Blvd Sherman Oaks
1838 Ventura Blvd Studio City
Bad Chinese food is really easy to find. Good Chinese food that understands flavor, style, and health is another matter entirely. Kung Pao Bistro excels at all three. Their meats are light and full of flavor, their vegetables are in delicate sauces bursting with the natural tastes of their ingredients, and their vegetarian options are vast and varied. Highly recommended for small or large groups at any of their locations.

K-Zo Restaurant - sushi with French fusion
(310) 202-8890, 9240 Culver Blvd, Culver City
You always risk a disaster when you attempt fusion cuisine, but K-Zo succeeds deliciously. The quality of the fish is superb - which means anything built with fish that marvelous is going to be good. The live octopus carpaccio was spectacular. And though it didn't twitch (not THAT live) you could tell it was fresh, prepared seconds before it hit our table. And that's the second aspect of K-Zo that elavates it - their staff knows how to pace a meal. Sushi wasn't just brought out in a buckshot. Salads and sashimi were presented first and the staff waited until they were eaten before bringing small portions of rolls and other dishes. This is a restaurant that knows that good fish must be eaten immediately after being prepared - the longer it waits on the table the weirder it gets. K-Zo is first class sushi dining and I can't wait to go back. They also have an expansive sake list including a 3 flavor sampler for neophites. Alas, you'll have to pay for the experience to the tune of forty bucks a head. (April, 2007)
www.k-zo.com

La Buca - Italian bistro
(323) 462-1900, 5210 1/2 Melrose Ave. Los Angeles
La Buca seems able to retain its outstanding quality due to its postage stamp size. The handmade pasta is some of the finest I've ever had, the gnocchi pillowy soft and silky smooth. Until they open into their new space make your reservation in advance because the wait is well worth it! (May 2007)
www.osterialabuca.com

La Dijonaise – French
(310) 287-2770, 8703 Washington Blvd, Culver City
We have the fortune of living two blocks away from what is arguable one of Los Angeles' few true French restaurants. French food was hijacked by gourmet chefs who tried to establish the sauce as the holy grail of culinary school. La Dijoniase proves that you can serve good French food in a cool neighborhood restaurant, without the astronomic price tag or the Food Network hovering near the souse chef station. Sandwiches, salads, pastas, and crepes, baby. They also serve one of the rare true Nicoise salads in town. There is a lunch menu with more sandwiches and lunch options. Beware, the one thing that is the most traditionally French here is the service. It tends to suck. The waiters are nice, but have trouble remembering you exist. Average price for two people is about twenty bucks before tip.
www.ladijonaise.com

Lakeshore Learning Store - learning and educational supplies
(310) 559-9630, 8888 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles
Lakeshore is my secret weapon. My wife and I are in a minority in that we're in our thirties, we don't have kids, and we most certainly do NOT anthropomorphize our dogs. This is not to say we are unfamiliar with children. Far from it. We're regularly infested with kids. Relatives, friends, neighbors, all of them have expanded their carbon footprints by popping out one or two of these little "miracles". I'm all for devaluing the term "miracle" by applying it towards the biological imperative of reproduction. If a sadomasochist twist like Mother Theresa can be seen to have performed miracles, then perhaps we can just move on without the promotion to sainthood. "Fine. It's a miracle. Take a look at Calcutta - it's filled with miracles. Now can we ease the suffering of the poor instead of seeing pain as a path to salvation in your sick, barbaric, warped religion? Thanks." But now that we've moved past the parade of weddings we've graduated to the onslaught of children. (A childless friend of ours had the idea of having a birthday party for her dog and inviting only the parents of the kids that she had bought presents for over the years. Sure, we'd love to think there's no such thing as quid pro quo in gift giving, but imagine decades of that shit. I'd throw a party for my hat at that point.) Gifts for kids are a trick sack - a toy is pointless, excessive, and the domain of grandparents. Donations to charities are a great idea, but sometimes you don't want to be *that* much of a hippie. Thus, Lakeshore. Educational games, learning kits, craft supplies, and pretty much everything you could need for the K-12 experience. Laminated posters of human anatomy to fish species to multiplication tables, modeling clay, board games, sheets of felt, rolls of plastic, und so weite. If it's designed to facilitate learning, Lakeshore has it. It's arranged by grade and age so picking out an appropriate item is ridiculously easy. Their prices are outstanding and their clerks can offer pointed guidance about pretty much everything. They even know their state capitals. Teachers get a discount and can get one of those dangly keychain membership cards. They frequently have sales in the middle aisle to make space for all the new stuff they bring in. If you're ever at a loss for what to give your breeder friends, Lakeshore is your place. You were expecting me to make a pedophile joke somewhere, weren't you?
www.lakeshorelearning.com

Langer's Delicatessen – Deli
704 S Alvarado St, Los Angeles
Langer's is in, well, how should I say, a, um, shithole. It's in one of the worst parts of Los Angeles for both gang violence, aggressive homeless begging and bad parking. But you have to go because it's the best pastrami sandwich I've ever had. Due to environment, Langer's closes at four pm. They don't even try to stay open after dark. But go for an incredible lunch that will have you swooning in a beef coma for hours afterward. They have great desserts, too! And you'll burn off the energy running back to your car to get the hell out. (My girlfriend just said I was so white for writing this review.) You can even call ahead, tell them what bill you're paying with, and a waiter will meet you at the curb with your order and exact change. Huzzah!

Leaf Cuisine
(310) 390-6005, 11938 W Washington Blvd
I try. I really do try to eat “right”. But why the fuck is it so goddamn expensive to eat raw food?! Cooking equals heat, heat equals energy, and it costs money to create energy. This I understand. But washing greens and then cutting them and wrapping them is basically the same as going to a box and ship store and we don’t see the need to mark that up 400%, do we? I mean, the purpose of cooking collard greens is to reduce the bitterness. But using it to wrap a vegetarian burrito with falafel made of sprouts and nuts is really just asking me to forget that I’m eating raw fucking produce. You will have the most stupendous bowel movement of your life hours after the food has scrubbed and scoured its way through your intestines. Burger restaurants don’t offer me a “guaranteed post-shit weight” on their meat, vegetarian restaurants don’t advertise the purgative quality of their meals, but this is basically why I eat at these places. I have to undo the damage somehow; I just wish it wasn’t so expensive. The other reason to go to these restaurants is for the Ugg slut whores in ruffle skirts and yoga tops who frequent the juice bar. Leaf is original concoctions of raw and vegetarian dishes, but it still smacks of yoga lifestyle novelty.
www.leafcuisine.com

Le Sanctuaire - professional gourmet chef supply - RELOCATED TO ORANGE COUNTY
(310) 581-8999, 2710 Main St, Santa Monica, CA
Without a doubt Le Sanctuaire is a mecca for gourmet chefs. Less like a restaurant supply store and more like a curated museum of tastes, Le Sanctuaire specializes in hand selected items for the most sophisticated tastes and culinary talents. The owner, Jing Tio, has created a sacred space devoted to the worship of flavor and the aesthetics of food. He maintains an ongoing dialogue with the chefs who are his customers and their obsession with invention and discovery. While I was purchasing several custom blended spices one of the walk-ins was an executive chef who was thrilled to have just received his Zagat rating. He was buying a cookbook and a fast resupply of exotic spice to play with. The spice wall of Le Sanctuaire alone is worth a visit for anyone with an olfactory sense. I was treated to an assortment of spices and blends I had never smelled before in my life. While the prices of the out-of-print cookbooks and limited-edition porcelain place settings are high, they are actually still below market value. Le Sanctuaire provides many of the impossible-to-find spices in use by professional chefs as well as blending for larger stores like Surfas. So while at first look there may be some sticker shock, in reality what makes Le Sanctuaire a real find is that they make gourmet tastes accessible to everyone. (Reviewed June 2006)
www.le-sanctuaire.com

Lemon Moon, breakfast and lunch cafe
Westside Media Center, 12200 W Olympic Blvd.
Lemon Moon is in the fancy new building constructed for dot com failures Etoys, and now inhabited by chain smoking programmers and collection bureau telemarketers. It is a café by chefs Josiah Citrin (Melisse) and Raphael Lunetta (JiRaffe) and is utterly splendid. Only open for breakfast and lunch, nonetheless it’s a perfect place to get a vast array of delicious salads such as polenta and mushrooms, a marinated flank steak with tomatoes and greens, or a squash and ginger soup. Prices are reasonable, but make little sense. One salad is $4.50, two are $8.50, and three are $9.50. While the owners may not pass the SAT their food excuses much! Free validated parking in the garage and plenty of seating indoors and out.
www.lemonmoon.com

The Little Door, French
8164 W Third St., Los Angeles
You know this is a French restaurant because there are beautiful skinny pregnant women drinking scotch at the bar and smoking cigarettes. So if you're in the mood for fashionably low birth weight babies, you've come to the right place! The Little Door is one of L.A.'s most romantic date locations; if your idea of romance is dining inside the latest Anthropologie catalog. The food was exceptional, the lamb tender and full of savory flavor and the fish fresh and perfectly cooked. They would not take our reservation without a credit card and the stipulation that if we did not honor our reservation they would charge us $25 per person. The day I accept New York style audacity from a Los Angeles restaurant is the day I am run over by an MTA train, halved from the balls below, and am forced to dine exclusively at places that excuse my leaking colostomy bag because I pay them exorbitant sums derived from my insurance settlement.
www.thelittledoor.com

L.A. Triathlon - local race
I may not be the most qualified person to write this review, as the 2007 Kaiser Permanente Los Angeles Triathlon was my first triathlon, I did the shorter, Sprint distance, and I came in 35th out of 52 in my age category. But since there is no review for it yet, and Yelp is all about the average person reviewing things, I'll give it a go. The L.A. Tri has two distances, Olympic at 0.9 mile swim, 24 mile bike, and 6.2 mile run, and the Sprint distance at 0.4 mile swim, 20 mile bike, and 3.1 mile run. The Sprint has a longer bike course due to the fact that the L.A. Tri is a point-to-point triathlon which requires the athletes to swim in the Pacific and bike to downtown L.A. for the run section. The logistics of this coordination, as well as the information provided to the athletes is the reason for the one star demerit to be discussed in a moment. The course is spectacular. L.A. was made for the triathlete with easy access to the Pacific Ocean for training, thousands of miles of roads with flats and aggressive hills for practice, and several runners clubs with thousands of members and hundreds of course options. Without touching an automobile you can train all three events almost year-round. The course of the L.A. Triathlon exploits these features and gives the participants a grand overview of the geography of the city. The swim in Venice is situated around the existing surf facilities - showers, toilets, the Venice Pier, and all that gorgeous coastline with a surf that predictably shifts every five to ten minutes. The T1 transition area is in a parking lot, and you emerge with your bike onto Venice Blvd. The bike course moves through a dozen or more neighborhoods, each one with a different feel and slightly different climate. Venice, to Fairfax, to Hollywood, to Echo Park, to Downtown L.A. is truly diverse scenery. Climaxing with a monster bomb down Grand Avenue, flying at 50mph, the bike course zig zags to a finish at the Convention Center. With a long T2 area you have plenty of time to feel the agony of transitioning to the run portion, rack your bike, and then trot onto the run course where you get the thrill of running up that Grand Avenue hill that was so exhilarating to flash down. The downtown run gives friends and family ample room to setup and cheer you on, if you're lucky enough to have people there for you. Even if you're not, tri-fans are enthusiastic and triathletes deeply appreciative of support. My issue with the event is that during the swim portion the buoy markers were not clear and there was a lot of confusion between the athletes and the race directors. I asked the race president, on the lifeguard tower with mic in hand, what the Sprint course buoys were. He told me, "left at the far red buoy, left at the yellow buoy, left at the second yellow buoy, right at the inside red buoy." Seemed right to me. My wave hits the water, we charge the surf in a reverse D-Day, and when we hit the first red buoy the lifeguards in the water start shouting for us to swim towards the second yellow buoy. "But they told us to round the far yellow buoy!" we yelled. "Sprint goes that way!" they yelled. So we went. Every single one of us sardines. Prior to our Sprint wave, the second wave of Olympic Distance men got confused and, duck-like, fifty men followed one lost swimmer around the first buoy - the lifeguards had all clustered at the far end of the course to guide the elite men's pack leaving the amateur and regular guys to fend for themselves. This was corrected in later waves, but the second wave of men just got screwed. The T2 transition area turned out to be two long corridors of bike racks, as opposed to the more square T1 area. The T1 area made for faster in-and-out changeovers, while the long, narrow column of T2 added significant time in running along the rows until the rack was located. And lastly, nothing shows the failure of LAUSD than the very nice kid volunteers who brought the T1 bags from Venice to downtown and just had no idea how numbers work. T1 bags were supposed to be grouped by bib number, tied to the bag itself. But the kids, who were very friendly and enthusiastic, were either illiterate or didn't care and just piled bags willy-nilly. This made for a fun game of very tired and brain dead athletes trying to find their stuff. These are not huge complaints. In a race of this size and complexity it's a wonder it happens at all in a city this big and hostile to interruption. But it's also an amazing race, and triathletes are an incredibly friendly, gregarious bunch who just love to have fun and compete in exciting areas. I'm thrilled to have found my sport, and I'm already booking up my race calendar for next year's season. The L.A. Tri will absolutely be on that list.
www.latriathlon.com

Lucky Devils - swanky burgers
(323) 465-8259, 6613 Hollywood Blvd, Hollywood
It's sad but I'm the target demographic for the growing luxury burger cuisine. My favorite food is cooked cow, my very first form of childhood rebellion was eating a cheeseburger to stick it to my mom who kept kosher, and there is now scientific proof that the combination of meat and cheese produces the same molecular flavor compound as MSG - the flavor enhancer we've all been told to hate that actually is a miracle product. If there's a new burger to be had in town, I am compelled to try it. Sadly, I can no longer eat the bun as the combination of meat and carbs results in a crippling food coma. I made an exception for Lucky Devils because the burger looked so damn good. And, to be frank, if I was going to pay $16 for a burger I was sure going to eat everything on the plate. Lucky Devils does not disappoint. Their Kobe beef burger is outstanding, you can tell they grind their own meat and have worked on getting the flavor right. The Maytag cheese offered a creamy, sharp contrast to the thick savory goodness. The bacon chunks were mind blowing in taste, and the grilled onions were crunchy and full of flavor. They had just switched to a new La Brea Bakery bun from a previous vendor's potato bun and I think I would have preferred the potato bread version to the standard ubiquitous flavor of the La Brea Bakery mafia. But the owner, about whom much has been written as he was the male model from those 80's diet Coke ads, explained to me that they could not get a reliable consistency from the other vendor so they were forced to switch. It sounds like the guy has franchise on the mind so it's possible that Lucky Devils may open somewhere other than the filthy, vile, heroin-addict and homeless infested shithole that is its present location on Hollywood Blvd. Just because Ashton Kutcher owns a club nearby doesn't mean the piss smell, teenage beggers, or crack addicts have changed. Lucky Devils also has an outstanding selection of microbrewed beers and organic wines. In fact, the waiters use the word "organic" so often you'll be convinced they have an audition the next day for a Yoga Journal ad. (Reviewed May 2006)

Lucques – French
(323) 655-6277, 8474 Melrose Ave, Los Angeles
positive review coming soon – swank French food
www.lucques.com

Lulu's Blue Plate - café, pseudo diner
(310) 479-6007, 1640 Sawtelle Blvd, at Santa Monica
Lulu's is home of the deep fried twinkie. And while your teeth may be rotting at the thought of it, I just had one about two hours ago and I have divined its purpose. After many years of research, Lulu has designed the ultimate diabetic killer. Honeywell can stop their research, Lulu has the answer. Lulu used to own Lulu's Beehive coffee shop in the valley. Like most sane people, she ran screaming from the valley and hightailed it to the west side. She bought the struggling coffee shop next to Cinefile and turned it into a pleasant little joint. The food consists of an all day breakfast menu, lots of coffee drinks, salads, soups, and diner/blue plate cuisine. Oh yes, and the deep fried twinkie available with caramel, whipped cream, chocolate chips, or a strawberry Grand Marnier sauce. Hoo hah! Get yourself stuffed at Lulu's for twenty five bucks and then go next door to Cinefile and rent a documentary. You'll feel better!

M Grill - Brazilian barbecue
(213) 389-2770, 3832 Wilshire Blvd, Los Angeles (enter from parking lot behind building)
I'm in love! Brazilian barbecue, a.k.a. meat-a-go-go is pretty much my favorite thing on earth after eating at M Grill. For $28 you get the hot and cold buffet of fried bananas, yucca mashed potatoes, pork stews, salads, vegetables, and more. But the real action are the discs you're given, green on one side and red on the other. These are indicators to the bronze Brazilian men with gleaming white teeth to bring whatever meat they have on their skewer over to your table and carve you off a hunk. There were at least six different kinds of meats being served on rotation including pork sausage, smoked pork, tri-tip, sirloin, and a limited supply of an amazing brisket. This is all you can eat meat, and M Grill does an amazing job. As my dining companion said as he flipped his disc to green, "it's go time".
www.m-grill.com

Mac Enthusiasts - worst Mac store in all of creation
10600 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles, CA
UPDATE: Mac Enthusiasts had their lawyer threaten me to edit my review. So I'm revising it, removing the parts they deemed libelous. I think it goes to prove that the store is so bad they're willing to THREATEN TO SUE anyone who says something bad about them. Items removed are marked "redacted". Mac Enthusiasts REDACTED should be avoided at all costs. A few years ago I purchased two DIMMs from Mac Enthusiasts. Shortly after I bought the DIMMs, they failed (redraw errors, application crashes and system freezes, culminating in a frozen startup process). Removal of the RAM instantly cured the problems and my system passed all hardware tests. I brought them back and they gave me two new DIMMs. They gave me two new *wrong* DIMMs. I brought my Mac to them and asked them to install the RAM since I did not have time to constantly fix their mistakes. They did, and a week later my computer showed major RAM failure again. I brought the machine back to Mac Enthusiasts and explained the history to a man named Mark REDACTED. Mark's first comment was "more RAM magnifies existing problems". I told him I had never, in over a decade of working on Macs, heard this and that was not an acceptable answer. He agreed to take my machine and remove the memory to see if the problem persisted. 45 minutes later a technician told me that they removed the RAM and my computer was still broken. I asked if they had booted from a CD-ROM, since having to reboot my computer 20 times due to bad RAM may have corrupted the boot software on the drive. The technician said he was not authorized to do this and handed the phone to Mark. Mark then proceeded to inform me that their RAM was fine and the problem must have been with my installation or otherwise my fault (based on my computer not booting after the removal of their RAM). I said that was impossible, and none of the evidence supported this. My machine worked fine for years until their RAM went in, at which point it started having catastrophic failure. In fact, the slots were not in question as I had replaced two 16mb DIMMs with their 64mb DIMMS. So far, consistently, when I removed their RAM, the machine hummed along. Mark again told me that I was blaming their RAM when there were lots of factors involved. I said that he was being evasive and difficult and the problem could be determined if he booted from the CD to determine if the issue was in the hardware. He refused to do this. He again attributed the problem to my lack of knowledge or other "unknown" factors. I explained that I worked Macintosh technical support in a retail computer store for five years, worked as a Macintosh systems administrator at a biotechnology company that was the sixteenth largest Macintosh company in the world, and then supervised system administrators in a predominantly Mac environment at a visual effects company. I've worked on thousands of computers, installed thousands of RAM modules, and diagnosed about every sort of Mac problem in hardware and software. This is also my personal machine, a computer I know inside and out. I know, for a fact, the problem is their RAM. I found it strange he was being defensive REDACTED. He could have simply tested my hardware by booting off a CD, finding that the machine booted he could then determine that he had sold me bad RAM again, and installed new RAM. I would have been a happy customer, he would have gained a tremendous amount of new business, and it would have cost him 1 hour of labor in the name of customer service. He refused. It got very heated the more he tried to deflect responsibility for selling bad RAM. We finally agreed for him to refund my money. I decided to give Mark one more chance. I said "what would you do in my situation? With all of the evidence pointing to the bad memory, what would you do?" Mark's response was "I'd take the computer home and try and pinpoint the real problem." This was too much. As Mark was typing up the return on the computer I couldn't help but read his customer credo above him. "The customer is always right... It takes hundreds of hours to gain a customer and only a minute to lose one...Our customers are the reason we are in business..." I thought this was remarkably ironic. Mark requested that I not return to his store. I said that was fine with me, REDACTED. Ultimately, I got my money back and my computer returned to me. - although blood pressure and time high and gone. I took my machine home and connected it (with their RAM now removed). I inserted a bootable CD and my machine came up fine. It passed all hardware tests. I reinstalled my OS (because the constant reboots of a crashed computer damaged my OS) and then my computer worked flawlessly. I have been a Macintosh consultant for 13 years and would never, ever use Mac Enthusiasts. Go somewhere else, for your own sake.

Magic Carpet - Orthodox Yemeni
(310) 652-8507, 8566 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
With chicken diseases sweeping all over California, it's more important that ever to know where your meat is coming from and who is preparing it. I mean, when Uganda stops accepting poultry from you, it's time to take notice. To that end, you usually can't go wrong with traditions that go back five thousand years. A strict kosher restaurant is supervised by rabbis to ensure that all meat is thoroughly cleaned, killed quickly and efficiently with a single slash to the throat, dried and drained of blood, and kept far away from bacteria. You will get a lot more salt from kosher meats, as they are packed in salt to pull the blood out of the carcass. But it's better than eating congealed muck cooked into your food, that's for sure. Magic Carpet serves traditional Yemeni cuisine, which looks a lot like most Mediterranean restaurants, but is done with a different ratio of spices. In fact, what separates most middle eastern regions from another is not what spices and ingredients they use, but which ones they favor. When you're all drawing from the fertile crescent, it's how much you use of your bountiful crop source that counts. Magic Carpet is like eating over at a friend's kitchen than a regular restaurant. A vast menu of grilled and roasted beef, lamb, and chicken, soups, stews, and more. Two people can eat for thirty bucks.

Mama Voula's - GONE
(310) 478-9464, 11923 Santa Monica Blvd, Los Angeles
A shotgun style cafe in a strip mall, Mama Voula's is dwarfed by an acupuncturist and Persian restaurant. Don't let the bad parking lot and strip mall put you off, Mama Voula's is some of the best Greek food in town. (OK, it's one of the only Greek places in town. Sofi's for high end, The One Stop Cafe on the Santa Monica Promenade for ridiculously overpriced and mediocre fare, and Papa Cristos for everything else.) What makes Mama Voula's so good is she has preserved the family cafe feeling, where every dish is clearly a personal recipe. Unlike the other Greek restaurants, Mama Voula's tastes distinctly more Aegean islands, her spices and flavors instantly took me back to Santorini and Mykonos. Lots of Greek oregano, sharp, pungent cheeses, and a liberal application of olive oil. This is wonderful, affordable, and authentic. (Reviewed August 2006)

Mandarette - Chinese
(323) 655-6115, 8386 Beverly Blvd, Los Angeles
Mandarette is an outstanding, reliable, somewhat upscale Chinese restaurant that serves delicious traditional Chinese dishes with superb flavors. While the menu has your favorite delivery items, Mandarette is hands above anything you can get sent to your door. When I'm in a pinch to take a friend out to dinner I can rely on Mandarette to offer a bounty of options as well as a laid-back atmosphere where everyone from celebrities to neighborhood locals can get a great dinner. Entrees tend to run between $8 and $14 depending on meat vs. seafood, and soups are shared for two at $7. Two will eat for about $50. (Reviewed June 2006)
www.mandarette.com

Marrakesh Restaurant- Moroccan
13003 Ventura Blvd. Studio City
Perhaps one of my favorite dishes on earth is the bastilla, a peasant pie made of layers of filo dough, quail, egg, cinnamon, and sugar. I swoon at the combination of sweet and savory, and my one attempt at making the dish failed spectacularly. I should add that I tried to make it for vegetarians, replacing quail with tofu, I was baking in Lake Tahoe at 5,000 feet elevation, and I'd never worked with filo dough before. Perhaps I should try again on more familiar turf. But why? Marrakesh does a spectacular bastilla, a gargantuan plate served family style. In fact, the best way to enjoy Marrakesh is with a large group, for the menu is set with three price options. The whole table agrees upon the price/course quantity they wish to pay, as well as a few choices of meats, and then the plates just start coming. I've had a few birthday parties here, as well as celebratory dinners. They've always done a fantastic job, attentive to our party, and gregarious in their welcome. A word of warning: Marrakesh has belly dancers who may lure you into joining them. Like airport valets, beggars in Rome, and strippers, stuffing a few dollars at them will make them go away.
www.marrakeshrestaurant.com

Manpuku - Japanese-style Korean BBQ
(310) 473-0580, 2125 Sawtelle Blvd, Nanotokyo
Another great dinner to do with a group of friends. Korean BBQ restaurants have gas grills embedded in each table. You order marinated meats and you cook it directly on your table grill. It makes you wonder if you should get a discount for having to cook your own food while going out. You should also order the clay pot concoctions which are served in a bowl heated to 500 degrees and mixed at your table. Delicious! The average cost of the meal will depend on how much you can eat. I'm a candidate for the zone diet, I can pack away beef like those crazy Poles in Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. I would put the average meal for two people starting at thirty bucks.

Matsuhisa - swanky Japanese
(310) 659-9639, 129 N La Cienega Blvd, Beverly Hills
The lure of Matsuhisa is supposed to be the star power of its chef, Nobuyuki Matsuhisa. Nobu is the Mac Daddy of international Japanese chefs, having mastered sushi by age twenty, moved to Peru and incorporated South American seafood styles into his Kung Fu skills. Frankly, I was pretty unimpressed - especially given the price tag at the end of the meal. Four of us ate for $600. That was dinner for four, with only two drinkers. $600! And we were still hungry afterwards! Nobu's sushi was fine, but I've had fresher at the locals-only sushi bars downtown for a fraction of the price. At its core the secret of sushi is the freshness and quality of the fish. Some days it's perfect, some days you need a lot of lemon juice. I've been exceedingly harsh in verbal reviews of Matsuhisa to friends, because I'm one of those people who likes a good story with dramatic beats, but now that I'm committing it to searchable digital ink I suppose I should admit that the worst thing about the meal was that it was wholly forgettable - other than the sticker shock. I'm in debt to my parents for taking me out to a meal that was as much as the rent on my studio apartment at the time, God knows these places are out of my reach. But at those prices Matsuhisa is catering to a crowd most of us can't even afford to park next to. I don't even want to think about the price of a door ding repair on a $250,000 Bentley GT. Come to think of it, I don't have to. An appetizer should just about cover it.
www.nobumatsuhisa.com

Maxwell's Cafe - diner
(310) 306-7829, 13329 Washington Blvd, Culver City
A friend had recommended Maxwell's and there is almost always a line of people waiting to get in. Score one more point against the vox pop. I was pretty unimpressed with Maxwell's given its high praise. I had a decent enough lox and onion egg scramble and my dining companion had an omelette concoction but I couldn't see what the fuss was about. If I'm going to wait in line for eggs it's going to be at Roscoe's, or the Omelette Parlor in Venice where at least half naked girls walk by. I suppose to do the place a solid I should go back and try their specialty, the Garbage Omelette, but I'm not rushing. Oh, the wait staff was exceptionally friendly, if not a bit forgetful. Our bill was $25 for two eaters. (Reviewed May 2006)

Melisse - French
(310) 395-0881, 1104 Wilshire Blvd, Santa Monica
Los Angeles is up to its hips in ingénue chefs, and Josiah Citrin is one of the tops. Melisse is his flagship restaurant and if you're looking for an ultra swank French experience, this is your place. More traditional French than California-French, this is a foodie experience for those with sophisticated palettes attuned to sauces, marinades, and complimentary flavors. Generously spaced tables in a large dining room with attention to plating, stemware, and presentation, Melisse is designed to be one of the best dining experiences you can find.
www.melisse.com

Milk - ice cream and more
(323) 939-6455, 8209 W 3rd St., Los Angeles
Milk is a well-lit ice cream parlor that also serves glorious concoctions of ice cream products which will fatten you up like a retired quarterback. Cookies and cream coated ice cream bars, dulce de leche and banana ice cream cake, muffins, pastries and more. Their ice cream is more milky than creamy, without the gag quotient in Cold Stone or others. Their milkshakes bring all the boys in the yard, and damn right, it's better than yours. (May 2007)

Mongols - Mongolian BBQ dive
1064 Gayley Ave, Westwood Village)
Now, the best Mongolian BBQ is the all you can eat variety. But when you're jonesing for a whopping plate of greasy meats and veggies, hie thee to Westwood, spend an hour looking for parking, and line up for Mongols. The idea behind Mongolian BBQ is that you cram as much lamb, beef, and chicken into a bowl as you can. Then pile on vegetables and noodles, ladle on sauce, and hand the whole thing to a person working a 4 foot diameter grill pit. The two people working the grill move your food around with giant chopsticks for a few minutes and slop the whole mess onto a plate. For about 7 bucks you're assured a belly bomb! The all you can eat joints are in the valley and Inglewood, not associated with Mongols who lives to serve Westwood workers and fat UCLA frat guys.

Mormons - cult
I once hired a squeaky clean kid from Palmdale. A few weeks into his employment I discovered he was Mormon. What I knew of Mormons was that they had mostly Christian beliefs and stayed in tight enclaves. What I now know is that Mormons, more than any other religion, are a dangerously crazy cult whose belief system threatens to usurp democracy in this country and whose members subscribe to a history that is in absolute defiance to reason, evidence, and logic.

One could argue that this can be said of all religions. It's preposterous to think that two thousand years ago a man cured people by the laying of hands, walked on water, raised the dead, then himself raised from the dead and ascended to heaven to absolve mankind of sin. The belief system based on this myth forgets that if this man was truly omniscient then he was a cheat - he didn't actually die so his death and resurrection was meaningless. At best he endured pain he knew would end and then transcended his agony - you can do that in a marathon. $cientology is even more looney tunes, going so far as to believe that our bodies are possessed by space aliens, killed by an evil galactic space lord.

Joseph Smith was born in 1805 in Palmyra, New York. A failure at "treasure hunting" who used techniques like divining rods and other charlatan's tools, Smith was surrounded by people who discovered forming religions was much more profitable than working as a freelancer. The region itself was called the "burned over district", a term describing the jaded view of the populace who had seen their share of fire and brimstone preachers come and go. But Smith's force of personality, much like L. Ron Hubbard, David Koresh, or Charles Manson, proved strong enough to convince others of his preposterous visions. What he produced was a mythology that only made sense in the narrow view of his day. First, Smith continually lost the golden plates upon which the great new Book of Mormon were engraved. Second, when finally recovered, no one could look at them except Joseph - who was barely literate - and a transcriber had to be used to record the information. Third, because the mystical plates were written in an ancient language none could understand, Smith had to put a rock (a "peep stone") into a hat and shove his face in to read the plates. This gives new meaning to talking out of one's hat. And yet, due to sheer force of personality and lack of DSM-IV or antipsychotics, Smith was able to convince others of his prophetic powers. His ludicrous revelations include a history of peoples who came from Israel thousands of years ago and became two warring tribes - the Lamanites and Nephites. The Lamanites eventually destroyed the Nephites, and the Lamanites became the ancestors of the Native Americans.

To delve any further into the rantings of a madman is to continue to substantiate it. But the Mormon Church STILL BELIEVES THESE ARE FACTS. It is understandable that Christians have been split over a two thousand year old book - its inception predates reliable written history. But it's incomprehensible that any modern organization would be so attached to its mysticism that it rejects all scientific discovery from its inception point forward. Smith was a poorly educated, racist yokel who cribbed myths from other street preachers and spewed the rest from his possibly schizophrenic mind. And yet, what makes Mormons truly dangerous is not their belief in the rantings of a maniac.

They believe that the rules of God are more important than the rules of Man.

Even after Smith was tragically gunned down by an angry lynch mob (ostensibly for the crime of the destruction of a free press - how poetically tyrannical), his successor, Brigham Young, moved his people outside the United States in order to establish Joseph's dream of a Mormon theocracy. But because Smith was a megalomaniac narcissist, like all prophets who claim they speak to God (i.e. bin Laden, George Bush, and Ted Haggart), the church doesn't answer to God. It answers to its leader, who is still a man. Our country rejected rule by God when it rejected the monarchy - we chose secular society. Smith, and later Young, knew this when they moved their zealots into the wasteland of Utah. When Utah was annexed shortly after their migration, the Church and the United States came into continual conflict, including massacres of settlers by Mormons and the persecution of Mormons by Presidents, including Lincoln. These conflicts continue, such as the brutal 1984 murder of a woman and her infant child by a pair of brothers who believed they were acting on the word of God. Though these men were members of the Fundamentalist LDS church, what separates them from their mainstream brethren is not whether or not God speaks to them, but the issue of polygamy.

The only way a pluralist, democratic country can survive is if we stop allowing crazy people to define the argument.

Moxie - coffee, tea, sandwiches
1433 W 7th St., Los Angeles
The last time I was in this neighborhood I was hightailing it to the Pacific Dining Car, making sure not to get shot, carjacked, or accosted by Mexican gangsters. Let's face it, this neighborhood isn't "up and coming", it's an absolute shithole. It's in Rampart division, the local hospital is Good Samaritan (a place that has to envy King/Drew's death rate), by day people run to their office buildings with lunches in hand, and by night you're lucky if you just get stabbed. Sure, there's some lovely new apartments and condos being built, but the local denizens are just happy to have new steel to make their shivs. That's why a place like Moxie is such a shocking gem in the middle of a landscape Hamas would drive around. A charming hipster feel with an outstanding menu of sandwiches and salads with an emphasis on delicious cheese. In fact, I'd load up the bullet proof car with their smoked mozzarella regularly, if my car insurance didn't prohibit me from driving my car through the area more than once a month. The coffee was perfectly roasted, and they keep real cream behind the counter. Nothing tastes like good coffee with real cream. I ordered the "Cubano", which was listed as pork with pickles and gruyere and mojo sauce. My wife had the "weggie", roast vegetables with pesto and smoked mozzarella. Besides using the smoked mozzarella in their sandwiches, Moxie also sells this amazing cheese. It's a level of pleasure that others in the area have to get from Jack the Ripper-style slaughter of prostitutes. My sandwich turned out to be a glorified ham and cheese, "pork" being a playful bait-and-switch with "ham". But it was absolutely delicious nevertheless. The bread on both our sandwiches was spectacular; perfect sandwich bread full of flavor and yielding with the perfect crunch. Because I am in full glutton mode I had to try the desserts, made by their own baker. I was briefly tempted by the red velvet cupcakes, and let me take a moment to rant about a current fad: As good as people might tell you they are, a cupcake is still a worthless dessert. Cupcake lovers probably watch "Little People Big World" and think it's high drama. The dwarfs on that show are insipid rural farmdolts one step away from homeschooling their spawn into religious nuts. Pint sized Jesus freaks are still freaks - regardless of their height. It's not the dwarfism that makes you obnoxious, you're six feet of obnoxious in a parallel universe. So don't try and tell me that a cupcake merits any special attention. It's a deformed, squat, fire hydrant of a dessert that in a parallel universe is a crappy cake. So I had the bread pudding. Yum! My wife now works walking distance from Moxie, and after I equip her with a titanium chastity belt, automatic mace dispensers on her forearms, and instruct her on Bruce Lee's deadly one-inch punch I'll come out for lunch more often to Moxie.

Mulberry Street Pizza - New York pizza
(310) 248-4455, 240 S Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills
This is what a neighborhood pizza parlor looks like in New York, except it's in the middle of Beverly Hills. That means it's also a few bucks more per pie than a New York pizza ($22), but it is a damn fine pizza. High turnover means fresh ingredients which always make a big difference. They don't mineralize their water like Johnny's, but they've got mad dough skills nevertheless. A very tangy tomato sauce (as opposed to sweet brown sugar). Bring loads of quarters for street parking. It's Beverly Hills, so "entitlement driving" abounds. Watch out.

The Museum of Jurassic Technology
(310) 836-6131, 9341 Venice Blvd, Culver City
The Curiosity Cabinet is a phenomenon that predates the modern museum, gave rise to the science of taxonomy and cladism, and spawned the modern age of medicine and scientific wonder. A Curiosity Cabinet was usually a collection of odd bits gathered by a rich wackjob, or self-proclaimed scientist. They could be jars of aborted foetuses, conjoined twins, and other medical marvels. They could be mutations of trees found on hikes throughout the collector's lifetime. These collections could be as small as a shoebox, or as large as a ballroom. Some still exist today, held in private, available only to the most determined of treasure hunters. The Museum of Jurassic Technology is built on the same level of awe that the original Curiosity Cabinets inspired. With today's level of understanding, the only way to get to this wonder is to blur, sometimes completely obliterate truth in order to burst through to the other side of amazement. David Wilson, the recipient of a MacArthur Fellowship for his work in creating the museum with his wife and family, has carefully constructed a place that has become a church for some, an living art piece for others, and for any who experience it, stimulating in wonderful ways. Exhibits draw on Wilson's background in visual effects and the obsessive creation of dioramas to create installations that beg scrutiny and draw the viewer into their story. Once you've been, pick up a copy of Mr. Wilson's Cabinet of Wonder: Pronged Ants, Horned Humans, Mice on Toast, and Other Marvels of Jurassic Technology by Lawrence Weschler for a more complete biography of David Wilson and the history of the curiosity cabinet.
www.mjt.org

Mr. Cecil's Ribs - St. Louis style bbq
(310) 442-1550, 12244 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
(818) 905-8400, 13625 Ventura Blvd, Sherman Oaks
Serving decent slow cooked ribs Mr. Cecil's is a good enough place to get sit-down bbq. The ribs are small, and when I asked the waitress said that it was from the "upper meat", St. Louis style. I know when I'm being shined on and the ribs were f'ing small. They're served dry, as many people like so you can add your own sauce. Both the sauce and the food were forgettable - passable for bbq but not memorable to crave it again. Still, it's one of the few sit-down restaurants serving authentic bbq in town where you can seat a large party and get messy together.

Nanotokyo
Sawtelle Blvd between Olympic and Santa Monica Blvd.
For those who have not yet ventured, Nanotokyo is the stretch of Sawtelle that runs between Olympic and Santa Monica blvd. It is a Japanese community that goes back to the turn of the 19th century. Many of the nurseries have been there for near eighty or ninety years now. Easier to get to than Little Tokyo downtown, for us 10-a-phobics. The area is littered with all things done Japanese style. There are Chinese restaurants, Korean BBQ (where they serve you beef you grill at your own table), curry joints (Japanese curry, mind you), noodle bars, and normal Tokyo-style Japanese restaurants. Everything a la carte, braised oddities, and a cuisine that caters to the long-settled area. A great field trip experience, especially the food market.

Nate Loyal - professional bike fitter
(310) 927-6283, 2501 Broadway, Santa Monica (above Helen's Cycles)
Nate Loyal is a professional bike fitter. If you ride professionally, recreationally, or for any serious length of time you should have your bike fit to you. Most importantly it prevents injury, but it can also increase performance, correct your form, and overall improve your ride. Nate is outstanding. A session with him takes about an hour to an hour and a half to get fully dialed-in. He works out of Helen's Cycles in Santa Monica, but does not work for them. That means if you need to add parts to your ride you can go downstairs and get hooked up without having to run out to another bike shop. Helen's is a great shop, by the way, and have good prices on quality gear. Nate races and trains professionally. You can absolutely trust him to fit you properly and give you expert advice on how to get the most out of your bike experience. At time of writing his cost is $165 for the head to toe fit, and best of all he takes Paypal.
www.nateloyal.com

Nate N' Al's Deli - deli
(310) 274-0101, 414 N Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills
Nate N' Al's has been a Beverly Hills fixture for generations of loitering Jews. They make their own pastrami, pickle their own tongue, and the prices are shockingly sane given the stratospheric rates of shitholes like Jerry's. While the best pastrami award goes to Langers, Nate N' Al's still make a great sandwich. Their chicken soup is incredibly hearty and satisfying, more so than Canter's. It annoys me that their dessert selection is meager; I need poppy seed strudel after a Ruben more than floss. Dinner for two will run you about $25.
www.natenal.com/index_history.html

Nathan's Famous Coney Island Chicken and Burgers - Jewish fast food
9216 W Pico Blvd
Jews were screwed when fast food came along and threw cheese on top of everything. Not only is processed burger and chicken meat wholly unkosher, it’s also modified the country’s palette to accept the washed out flavor of the meat as being the norm. Nathan’s is a kosher fast food joint that prepares tasty food to feed your crappetite prepared under Rabbinical supervision. Just like the rest of the fast food universe no language skills are required to order - big pictures above the cash registers of corn dogs, chicken burgers, and hamburgers are there to assist your ordering. Sullen Hassidic teens (or slave labor from the Chabad mines) work the till. Even a corner sink in the back to lave before you knosh. Besides owning the goy Kenny Rodger's Roasters chain, Nathan's also owns my favorite fast food restaurant from when I was a wee bairn in suburban Baltimore: Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips! It appears that Arthur Treacher's exists only as a brand; no more of his fish shops grace the earth.
www.nathansfamous.com

Nichol's Restaurant - "a neighborhood kitchen"
(310) 823-2283, 4375 Glencoe Ave, Marina del Rey
Nichol's is what Denny's and Round Robin try to offer, but fail because they use mass-delivered frozen product. Nichol's is a great family restaurant offering your standard fare of meatloafs, egg dishes, hearty beef stews, and the like, but made well and from fresh ingredients. High on the blue-hair circuit, so watch out for walkers in the aisle. Expect fifteen to twenty bucks per person. (April, 2007.)

Newsroom Café - swanky vegetarian
120 N Robertson Blvd, Los Angeles
The Newsroom café is a swanky vegetarian diner in West Hollywood or in Santa Monica. I've never been able to have a real conversation here without going hoarse. The room has a lot of echo and is not very intimate. It's also packed, across the street from gawk-land The Ivy, and sits at the foot of New Line cinema. All these things don't help the ambience at all. But the food is good, like tiger striped ravioli and monster veggie wraps with spicy peanut sauce. The prices are pretty good, about $12 per person. But don't expect to get anything accomplished there. The wait staff all has a look of wheat grass shooters post-gym workout about them. But they're also heavily pierced and tattooed, so there's a modern hippie savage thing going on I don't get. Very trendy L.A.

Noodle Planet - ramen and more
1118 Westwood Blvd, Westwood Village
There's a joke that UCLA stands for University of Caucasians Lost among Asians. Noodle Planet exists to answer the racist assumption that white people can't tell those Asians apart. Serving Thai, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Chinese, and some Japanese noodle dishes and entrees, Noodle Planet is really good for being so young and hip. I've become addicted to their giant bowl of Tom Yum Ka, a spicy coconut milk and lemon grass soup with chicken (or seafood) and a chunk of rice noodles at the bottom. Their glass noodles and other Thai entrees also kick butt. Also, you can get tofu to replace any meat! Unfortunately, cash only, kids. Two people can get very full on twenty bucks.
www.noodleplanet.com

Dr. Robert N. Nolan, DDS
(310) 827-5094, 211 Culver Blvd, Playa Del Rey
Yes, I went to see the dentist that advertises all over the city on bus bench ads. Yes, he's the "we cater to dental chickens" guy. And you know what? He's an outstanding dentist. Just because the dude likes to market himself doesn't take away from the fact that he's a skilled dentist with a friendly staff. They're always on time with appointments, they respect your time and possible phobias, and can work with absolutely anyone's fear and pain management. The reason he has to advertise so aggressively is because people are terrified of dentists and he needs a constant influx of new patients just to keep his business. Dentists have an incredibly high suicide rate in the medical profession due in part to the absolute terror people have of someone who spent a lot of money on med school and the hardware their profession requires. I'm crazy when it comes to dental work. I've had multiple oral surgeries, including impacted teeth removal. I did it all under local anesthetic because I'm so scared of death and unconsciousness that I refuse to be knocked out under any circumstances. But should you require such things, Nolan can give you anything from anti-anxiety meds to laughing gas all the way to full general anesthetic. I'm the patient who wants to see the needles before they go in (don't hide instruments from me), and wants to see the junk that came out of my mouth before they rush it off to the biohazard trash. I'm kind of the opposite of dental chicken, but not Arthur Denton from Little Shop of Horrors, either. I appreciate areas of technical expertise and I want to be a part of the process - especially when it involves my body and its function. To obfuscate the things my body produces or rejects is to deny my essential humanity and I am impossibly curious about life. Paula, who runs Dr. Nolan's front desk, is exceptionally gregarious and remembers all the patients. Debbie and the rest of his staff are all professional and extremely skilled at everything from cleanings to assisting in fillings and the rest. Dr. Nolan's bedside manner is refreshingly candid. He doesn't waste time with goofy fake charisma or treacly mannerisms. He'll tell you what needs to be done, and why, and you can make your own informed decisions. I appreciate his straightforwardness, such as when he says, "I'm not going to tell you to floss more because you know that already." He's not being cloy, he's being honest. He also doesn't give a toss what toothbrush you use, as long as you're flossing. And he's right. We should all floss more.
www.dentalchickens.com

Nook, neighborhood bistro
11628 Santa Monica Blvd #9, westside, Los Angeles
The section of the west side of Los Angeles that runs from the 405 to Bundy along Santa Monica Blvd is a coveted neighborhood jammed with apartment farms. Most of the modest fourplex and sixplex apartments are owned by Japanese families who survived being put into internment camps and were lucky to retain their property while others had it stolen by their duplicitous round-eye neighbors. The newer buildings are monoliths controlled by faceless property managers (spiritual descendents of the same thieving round-eyes) who raise the rent monthly, which is why a one bedroom apartment in one of these call-box monstrosities goes for almost two thousand dollars a month. The people who are lucky enough to get a unit in one of the Japanese owned buildings can still afford to pay $10 for brown rice and vegetables, or $8 for macaroni and cheese (oh, sorry, with manchego and gruyere). That is to say, this is comfort food dressed up and jacked up for the neighborhood. My $10 cheeseburger was very good, but serving it on focaccia just smacks of pretension. I don't need focaccia. That shit is square and a burger is round. Even Wendy's knows that. You want to earn the $10? Make a square fucking burger or learn to use a glass cup to cut bread.
www.nookbistro.com

Ohäam - Persian
(310) 444-0088, 11033 Santa Monica Blvd, Los Angeles
Ohäam is the easy Persian dining experience you want. Less expensive and just as good as Javan or Shimshiri, Ohäam is a strip mall joint that could only exist by serving quality food at decent prices. And they deliver! A great selection of kebobs in beef, chicken, lamb, and fish versions as well as a goodly choice of entrees. Under "exotic rices" you'll find an exciting set of dark meat chicken served with either cherry rice, buttered orange peels and almonds, or saffron and lima beans. Two can eat well for under forty bucks. (Reviewed November 2006.)
www.ohaam.com

Omelet Parlor
2732 Main St., Venice/Santa Monica
I worked in Venice for three and a half years and probably ate at every restaurant along Main street a dozen times. The Omelet Parlor remained a favorite, serving splendid varieties of the oeuf cooked to fluffy perfection. A great place to meet for brunch, expect a long wait on the weekends. For good reason - the food is great, the patio gets wonderful sunshine, and they deliver a consistently positive product of their namesake.

The Original Pantry – dive diner
877 S Figueroa, downtown Los Angeles
They claim that the Pantry has been open nonstop and without a customer for over 75 years. This isn't true. They were shut down two years ago for a day when the health department was appalled by what they found. Ironic, Richard Riordan owns a majority stake in this L.A. landmark and even he couldn't prevent the shutdown. Opening a day later, having scraped the yellow off the ceiling and moved the trash bins away from the griller, the Pantry is one of Los Angeles's best institutions. A strong, believable rumor has it that the waiters are all ex-cons. This may or not be true, but they've all been there for decades. Lifer waiters are hard to find. But this place is the tops for a great diner steak. Go for breakfast and load up with pancakes, eggs, and bacon. With a grill that's been going nonstop for so long, everything is saturated with a rich, savory flavor. It's a dive, a greasy spoon, and it's perfect. Your typical dinner starts with homemade sourdough bread and coleslaw made from scratch. Dinner comes with the vegetable of the day and a side of glorious potatoes. They do other dishes, but who wants stroganoff when you can have steak for $13?
www.pantrycafe.com

The Original Texas Barbecue King - BBQ
(213) 437-0885, 867 W. Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles
Truly outstanding smoked BBQ just north of downtown L.A. Possibly the best rib tips I've ever had, sweet and smoky with an amazing sauce. The turkey burger is massive - the biggest patty I've ever seen. A dozen smokers running constantly pump thick smoke into the parking lot tables so be prepared to stink like a barbecue pit afterwards. But you'll be so busy rubbing your belly and dreaming of how soon you can go back it won't matter. You'll be smelling your clothes like Heath Ledger at the end of Brokeback Mountain. Even more fun, if you bring the meat - any meat- they'll smoke it for you. This is also the best prices for bbq I've paid in L.A. You can eat very well for under $10 - hail the King! (April, 2007)
www.texasbbqking.com

Osteria Mozza - Italian
(323) 297-0100, 6602 Melrose Ave, Los Angeles
Dear Yelphouse letters: I never thought your stories were true until it happened to me. I was a student at a small, liberal college in Western Massachusetts. I had been seeing this girl, this really amazing hot Italian girl who had mastered a skill that most would simply learn to do decently and then skip ahead to the big event. Not this girl. She spent years perfecting her technique, getting everything right, learning the right use of her hands, the kneading, the pulling, the mouthfeel. And she practiced relentlessly, so that when she finally could unleash her skills she would show that no one could do it as well as her, that her talent would cement her at the top of her game. And she was right. She was the best pizza I ever had. But I kept hearing about a sister, a visit that always seemed delayed, an opening forever postponed. And when she finally did arrive my temptation to try her grew with every passing day. The promise was beyond indecent - if one could make pizza so good, imagine what the same genes could do unrestrained! Every day without knowing was a day too long. But when the time came and the sister arrived, I discovered that the promises were false. The sister did not deliver on her wanton, unrestricted talent. The same genes let loose were nowhere near as good as those hands and mouth committed to a singular, glorious act. Pizzaria Mozza is undoubtedly some of the finest pizza to be had in Los Angeles, the Osteria next door does not deliver the same quality! Poor, poor Osteria Mozza. So sad that they didn't open ten years ago when I would have been impressed with them. Before I had educated my cheese palette at the Cheese Store of Beverly Hills. Before I had the pillowy, perfect gnocchi of Angelini Osteria. Before I'd eaten a perfect steak, or superb short rib, or even before I had been to Pizzeria Mozza next door where even the desserts are much better. Yes, the grilled octopus was sensational - thick, meaty tentacles of pure chewing satisfaction. But the Mozzarella bar was disappointing - for someone with a sophisticated love of cheese, I wanted more exotic flavor combinations and experiments with the Burrata or sheep's milk varieties. The wild boar gnocchi was the right serving style for the boar, small pieces that didn't overwhelm, but the gnocchi was gritty, too dense and lacking in flavor. Splitting the dish with my father made it easier to tackle, but this would be a belly bomb for any eater. The flank steak was very good, probably the second best dish behind the octopus, but the short rib over polenta was uninspiring and weak in taste. The mussels predictable, and the herb stuffed Oreta (fish) a lazy walk in the park. You might as well skip the desserts altogether. The chocolate tort with almond nougat and bourbon sauce isn't nearly as fun as it sounds, the fig cake with strawberry jam and Meyer lemon custard is awkward and strange, and the almond cake thing with blood orange and a vanilla yogurt gelato looks clumsily thrown together from good parts - like Tom Skerrit's face. None of these dishes were bad - but the pizza next door is so stellar it makes the Osteria a promise unfulfilled. Nancy Silverton commands both establishments, and was even manning the counter the night we dined. But the meal made me yearn to return to the Pizzaria, the sister restaurant devoted to a singular act so good it transcends mere pleasure and soars to great heights. The Osteria lacks focus, refinement, and at worst, feels whorish.
www.mozza-la.com

Pacifico's Mariscos Restaurant
(310) 559-3474, 9341 Culver Blvd, Culver City
I got food poisoning from the ceviche. Can't rightly give a review of a meal that didn't stay down.

Palms Thai - Elvis Thai!
(323) 462-5073, 5900 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angeles
Elvis isn't dead. He's just transracial. Not only is the Thai food at Palms stellar, but you also get serenaded by a genuine Thai Elvis impersonator. The food here is also really stinkin' good. The sizzling fish served whole is scrumptious, as are all the traditional noodle dishes. Soups are a combination of contradictory flavors that work well together, and are usually lost in your normal take-out food. Palms Thai offers an "exotic" section of their menu including wild game and traditional Thai dishes. I can attest that deer meat tastes very much like beef, especially when doused in sauce, cilantro, and lime juice. And hey, even if you don't like the food, you have to see the one and only Thai Elvis. Two people eat for thirty bucks.
www.palmsthai.com

Pann's – diner
6710 La Tijera Blvd. Los Angeles
This is one of the last of the "googie" diners that used to be all over SoCal. You know that giant penguin at the dentist on the Lincoln Blvd exit at the 10? Used to be a googie. The aesthetic that Denny's has commodified has its roots in drive in diners across the southland. Panns' still has the kitsch, its fifties roots intact. The food's OK, but it's worth it to keep the googie alive. Ten bucks a person.
www.panns.com

Papa Cristo's - Greek
(323) 737-2970, 2771 W. Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
The thumping, olive oil lubricated heart of the Byzantine-Latino quarter of Los Angeles is Papa Cristos. Part restaurant, part import grocery, part wacky tourist trap, this is the place to go for an authentic Greek experience. That is to say, it's authentic because all over Greece there are places like this that cater to the foreigner's expectations of what Greece is like. In truth, you have to push past stores like this and enter the smaller towns and neighborhoods to find genuine Greek life, but it's the garish front line stores that bring in the tourists and their Euros that make up the bulk of the Greek economy. Papa Cristos is very good food, albeit fairly predictable and muted in flavor and style. They were a stellar way to cater our housewarming party, with hummus, tzatziki, dolmades, and gryos. I was thrilled to have 7 lbs of leftover gyro to snack on for a week. The grocery stocks the best Greek honey, wonderful olive oils, and a variety of traditional Greek booze from retsina to ouzo to Metaxa. We've also done their "My Big Fat Greek Family Style Dinner", which is wacky fun for an evening if you don't mind getting friendly with the strangers sitting next to you at a long table and potentially being forced into public belly dancing. For some reason when we're at a restaurant that has some sort of belly dancing entertainment, the woman always finds me. Somehow she knows my attitude towards public displays of dancing are like my attitude towards tattoos - go big or don't bother. However, shaking my moneymaker while full on gyros is not my idea of fun. (Reviewed October 2006)
www.papacristo.com

Pasta Factory – Italian
425 Washington Blvd., Venice
Castro Alejo owned three restaurants in and around Mar Vista and Venice. In his divorce, he gave his ex-wife Alejo's at Washington and Lincoln (see separate review) and a second location near LMU on Lincoln Blvd. Castro kept the Pasta Factory on Washington Blvd, near the beach. He kept updating the menu, honored long standing neighborhood requests for things not on the menu, and the business went well. Castro Alejo died a couple of years ago, but the business still honors his traditions. A consistently good, very affordable menu of quality Italian food. Though not on the menu, you can get gnocchi (potato dumpling pasta), or have any pasta dish baked with four cheeses. Sawdust on the floor, a whole clove of garlic for dipping freshly baked bread, and about ten bucks per person.

Patina - L.A. haute
(213) 972-3331, 141 South Grand Ave, Los Angeles
I'm not sure that I could have written this review a few years ago. To understand the difference between a good meal and a great meal requires having had enough great meals at great establishments to work up an operating language. I worked in a video store for half a decade and I've seen probably over 10,000 movies in my lifetime. I've got a pretty good command of film language. I've been reading and writing for over thirty years, so I've probably got a working vocabulary well into the five digit range. After about a half decade of eating well at enough varied locations, I think I'm in a pretty good position to make judgments about quality and experience. Patina is the crown jewel in the Splichal Patina Group empire, and there are cracks in the gem. I assure you, this is one of L.A.'s best restaurants, but it is missing an essential component. It is a refined, elegant room with an incredibly friendly and attentive staff. The waiters and busboys operate smoothly, functioning as a team to cater to your experience. The Sommelier is gregarious, knowledgeable, and knows his wine list has something for every taste. Ingredients are of outstanding quality, there is no question these are market fresh vegetables, top choice meats, and the best fish from the finest fisheries. But somehow, each of the dishes, while having excellent flavor and precision, were missing the pizzaz one looks for when dining in a world-class building, built for a stellar orchestra, in a city known for favoring the bold over the cautious. The Tahitian vanilla underneath the heirloom tomatoes was interesting, the black bass over beets and ginger was a fine combination of flavors, and my truffle risotto, grated fresh at table, was a rare treat. But each dish felt almost Germanic in its structure, and monochromatic in range. It's hard to fault a restaurant for its lack of daring. But when we're talking about a restaurant that has a monopoly lock on L.A.'s art landmarks it ought to be as daring as the work inside. The truth is that the art in L.A.'s landmark museums isn't as good as what's happening on the street, and the food probably reflects that very same reality. If you have people coming into town looking for a fine dining experience, you won't be disappointed at Patina. But it's rather like MOCA's definition of "conteporary art", which happens to stop at 1970. A highlight of the meal was the cheese wagon and the Japanese fromagier who customized two cheese plates ranging from mild and smooth to "fasten your seat belts" rough and rangy. The rough and rangy was a sheep/cow/goat monstrosity that burned the tongue and sent stinky fumes from our mouths in a wild blast. The truffle cheese was by far the best I've had, mellow and perfectly infused. But the duo of triple-washed rinds had me blissing out and rolling my eyes. For $21 a plate, they provided more and better cheese than the $25 plate at Ford's Filling Station, so that's a huge plus in Patina's favor. In short, Patina is very, very expensive and very, very safe for elegant dining. But if you're looking for flair, this ain't it.For the price and complexity of the experience, I desperately wanted to have my socks knocked off.
www.patinagroup.com/patina

Pescado Mojado – Mexican seafood
Echo Park, Sylmar, all over L.A.’s barrios
Don't let he McDonald's looks deceive you. Though all Pescado Mojado restaurants look like crappy fluorescent it fast food joints, this is actually some of the best Mexican seafood in town. Tacos, burritos, and your normal selection of dishes are made with incredibly fresh fish and crustaceans. (Though, if you're into eating the cockroaches of the sea, that's your thing. I'd hesitate to call any bottom feeder "fresh".) I don't normally enjoy fish as a staple part of my diet, but I sincerely dig the fish tacos here.

The Pig - Memphis BBQ
(323) 935-1116, 612 N La Brea, Los Angeles
I'm a huge fan of meat. Piles of it. Slathered in sauce. Give me a slow cooked side of beef with a sweet, tangy barbecue sauce, a side of cone bread (that's corn bread, for those of you who've never had it done right), and a hefty bowl of collard greens and I'm set for the night. The Pig does both Memphis style, which is a sweet sauce, and they also do a more traditional smoky BBQ sauce. Baby back ribs are the standard, but they also do chicken, brisket, and more. The price can get steep fast, but the combos are worth it since they come with two side dishes. Average price for two people is about twenty five bucks before tip.
www.thepigcatering.com

Philipe the Original – dive diner!
1001 N. Alameda St. downtown Los Angeles
Philippe's, The Pantry, and Cole's PE Buffet remain the very last of the 1920's dive restaurants. Philippe's claims to be the home of the French Dip sandwich, and though others profess the same few do it as well and with such old-school panache. This is the place to lunch when touring downtown, Union Station, and the parts of L.A. considered "old". Coffee costs $0.10 and there used to be a sign left over from the '70's apologizing for the hike during the coffee embargo. Philippe's is a place that clings tenaciously to its brief history, a desperate plea to be remembered in a city that worships the young and beautiful and erases its sawdust floored past.
www.philippes.com

Phillips Barbecue - bbq
4307 Leimert Blvd, Los Angeles
2619 Crenshaw Blvd, Los Angeles
1517 Centinela Ave, Inglewood
Phillips is great barbecue, slow roasted and tasty and you can smell it blocks away. Basically the same recipe and setup as Phillip's cousin Woody. Take out only!

Pico Glatt Mart
(310) 785-9718, 9427 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
What makes me a huge yid is that I hesitate to even write a review for fear of jinxing the quality of Pico Glatt's butcher (whisper with me now: kinehora). Thankfully, I'm much more of a skeptical atheist these days. Greater interest will only help the world - right? Pico Glatt is the best kosher butcher in the entire city. Yes. The entire mufuh'in city. There is a Rabbi standing watch over the teaming horde of knife wielding Mexican butchers. G dash D help you if you cross one of the frum ortho ladies Friday morning as they sniff every cut of meat held under their gorgeous, gigantic noses. But let me tell you about those cuts of meat. The chickens are so fresh you can still see them twitch in the glass case. The beef is so tender, so good, you'll kidnap one of the women and force them to make you brisket at gunpoint. (And isn't slave-made brisket the best brisket? Passover shout-out!) But seriously, folks. The market is fine and good, cramped and difficult to navigate. You can get your zatar and gefilte. But the meat, oh, the meat! Here's a tip for my goyim readers who have stuck with me so far in this review, leaden with Hewbris - buying good kosher meat saves you the step of brining. Brining denatures the proteins in meat allowing moisture to permeate the flesh and infuse flavor and succulence. Kosher meat is salted to drain the blood - part of Talmudic law (Kosher = how to stay alive in the desert 4,000 years ago). And by doing this extra salting step, the meat's proteins unspool themselves for your cooking ease. Use kosher meat! (Not to be confused with Halal meat, which are animals prepared according to the Koran's writings. Halal meat must be slaughtered in the same Kosher method - a clean slash to the neck of a healthy animal that allows the blood to drain quickly. Muslims are allowed to use kosher meat since it is slaughtered properly {though not blessed}, but there is no reciprocity from the Jews because the butcher was not a shochet.) I think there's a steak in the fridge with my Hebrew name on it.

Pinkberry - frozen yogurt
All over L.A.
PINKBERRY IS MADE OF PEOPLE. Gentlemen, look at all the reviews of the various Pinkberries around town and you'll notice something. Women love this stuff and men, most men anyway, are confused by the whole thing. OK, it's cold and sort of sweet, but addictive? No. Do I crave it in my sleep? No. Do I calculate my day based around how I can jump in and grab a cup? Absolutely not. It's frozen yogurt, not manna. I'm convinced that there's an estrogen reactive agent in the Pinkberry, part of a secret plan to program (or unite) women. If only we could harness this power for evil, instead of all the good feelings it's propagating we could finally overthrow the matriarchy under which we slave and finally rule this earth. Look, Korean lady who started Pinkberry as a way of making oodles of cash, just go whole hog with your diabolical plan. Make Pinkberry the anti-Hooters. Only hire crazy cute and muscled Asian boys to work the counter (and beat them at night to make them even more intense looking). Stock the shelves with live kittens instead of expensive Alessi knick-knacks. Keep knitting kits and copies of "Stitch and Bitch" on tables. Just embrace your feminine cabal and drive the gender bus to the matriarch queendom. We men will just be over here. With the ice cream. And penises.
www.pinkberry.com

Piper's - Korean diner
222 N Western Ave, Los Angeles
Nothing underscores your personal dining habits like writing these little reviews. I can see that I’ve gravitated towards diners and places that are dressed up, fancy versions of diners. Piper’s is yet another one of these, but they have chosen to attire themselves as a Medieval themed restaurant. Not that there’s mutton on the menu or wild dogs in the foyer, it’s just a regular 24 hour diner with a weird trend towards suits of armor and shields on the wall. Run by a Korean family the portions are huge and there’s a hell of a lot of beef to choose from. But since it’s a diner don’t get your hopes up.

Pizzaria Mozza - premium pizza
641 N. Highland Avenue, Los Angeles, (323) 297-0101
Nancy Silverton (Campanile, La Brea Bakery) and Mario Batali's (Iron Chef, clog model, and candidate for gastric bypass surgery) new pizza restaurant absolutely freakin' rocks. My belly is filled with insanely delicious carbs! The menu is specifically for foodies with a strong knowledge of Italian specialties, and while the wait staff is happy to translate, the environment is so noisy it will be impossible to hear. (The only bad thing about Mozza is that it is designed in the modern fashion of amplifying the ambient noise into cacauphony.) But it is so worth it. My wife and mother swooned over the oven roasted olives, while my father and I took the porcine train to pigtown with Batali's father's carne sampler plate. The La Quercia Speck was pure animal fat heaven. My mother pounded the table over her arugala, mushroom, and piave salad - which we all agreed was the right response. The mushrooms were damn near buttery, with fine slices of perfect piave cheese. But though we delighted in these antipastis and insalates, the real reason to go is the pizza. Simply put, it is spectacular. You cannot replicate these pizzas at home. Perfect pizza can only come from a 750 degree oven, taking all of three minutes to completely cook the pie. Your oven at home maxes out at 500 degrees (if you're lucky) and adding a pizza stone helps cook the bottom quickly, but it's still an issue of temperature. An outdoor grill doesn't even get hot enough to do the job. L.A. has a remarkable dearth of good pizza, primarily because few restaurants are willing to invest in the right tools. Mozza's brick oven, combined with the pure ecstacy of flavor that Nancy Silverton and Batali bring to the menu means we finally have an incredible pizza joint in L.A. Each of us ordered our own pizza and were thrilled. The white anchovies on my mother's pizza were tart and salty in new and startling ways. My three cheese white pizza (bianco with fontina, mozzarella, sottocenere and sage) was a thing of otherworldy delight, and my wife's rapini, black olives, cherry tomatoes, and anchovy pie was swirling in salty and veggie goodness. At around $13 per pizza, and anywhere from $8-$15 for each appetizer, Mozza gets pricey quick. But break out the plastic because if you can get a table in the next few months - GO. (Reviewed December, 2006.)
www.mozza-la.com

Real Food Daily - swanky vegetarian
242 S Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills
414 N La Cienega, West Hollywood
514 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica
When you want to know how you should be eating, it's time to take a trip to RFD. Mostly vegan, RFD specializes in making incredibly healthy, incredibly tasty vegetarian meals. I am an avowed carnivore and I love this place. Start with the walnut pate appetizer and then try one of the bowl combinations with tempeh, sea vegetables, brown rice, and your choice of sauce topping. I could eat here every day and not only love every meal, but also feel better about what I put in my body. Most vegetarians you meet are sickly malnourished creatures because they don't know how to make a complete protein to save their lives. The vegetarians you see at RFD are healthy; they glow from within. I wonder what they taste like. Average cost for two people is around twenty five to thirty dollars.
www.realfood.com

Red Brick Pizza – chain pizza (gone as of 2006)
3857 Overland Ave, Culver City
Owned by a family out of Lancaster, Red Brick Pizza uses a giant stone oven to cook their foods. It's great. I had an upstairs neighbor who was a professional baker and was going to open his own bakery. He was going to spend $10,000 for a wood fired stone oven, because after the initial outlay nothing compared to the heating elements of a natural stone hearth. He's right. The pizza here is great, tasty, and distinct. They L.A. The crap out of their pizzas, you can get a Thai chicken pizza, or a bacon double cheeseburger pizza if you want. But my needs are served by their garden salad an four cheese pizza. And they have a full gelato bar. What more could you want from strip mall food? They deliver, too! Individual pizzas are about six bucks, big salads for seven, and full size pizzas for ten or twelve dollars.
www.rbpizzacafe.com

Red Seven - Asian fusion
(310) 289-1587, 700 N San Vicente Blvd, West Hollywood
The Pacific Design Center is an RGB monstrosity shrine to high end design from fixtures to carpets to "branded entertainment". In truth, it's just a GB monstrosity, with the Red building to begin construction soon. It's like the gay Borg hive, the mother ship of interior design, closed to the public but we straight mortals can wander its halls and window-gaze ourselves to death. The alabaster floors and high polish exudes either exquisite aesthetic, or swanky vampires. The PDC is an L.A. landmark, something quintissentially new, hot, and exclusive. One would almost think that it was ripe to be defiled by a Patina Group slophouse, but no! Wolfgang Puck has both guns out and is gunning for Splichal's head. Few other chefs can compete at this level - signature dining at historic locations. But Splichal's laziness has led to crappy, boring food and Wolfgang, well, Spago aside, he's doing some good work. Red Seven is at present lunch-only, but well worth the visit. Exceptionally fresh fish and Asian fusion by Executive Chef Yoshinori Kojima and supervised by Puck and his right hand Chef Lee Hefter has yielded an outstanding restaurant. The crispy calamari with Thai basil and red curry vinaigrette was perhaps the finest squid I've ever had. Perfectly cooked, lightly breaded, and presented as an elegant lady's hat. Pat Morrison would wear this dish with pride. My main dish was off the market menu, a sampler of hamachi, salmon, tuna, and heirloom tomatoes in a delicious dressing. My friend had the string beans with candied cashews and tofu - a scrumptious and light dish full of great savory flavors. It was hard to decide on what to order, since everything was a tempting combination of fresh fish and exciting flavors. There's also daily Bento boxes filled with little treasures. Dessert was evil - chocolate filled samosas with chocolate banana dipping sauce while my friend had a candied ginger bomb. The interior deserves almost as much attention as the food - exquisitely decorated with a clear understanding that the PDC crowd is looking at everything from the soup to the nuts. Wall decorations that look like nature drawings, sliding screens offer private dining areas, and a wait staff attentive and gregarious. Altogether a great dining experience I wish was open for dinner!
www.wolfgangpuck.com

R.E.I. - sporting goods
(310) 458-4370, 402 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica
I used to be one fat fuck. The only reason I'd be caught dead in an REI was because I outgrew my pants and needed a tent. But things are different now. I bike, I swim, I run, and my wife is slowly, slowly introducing me to the idea of camping. Yes, camping. As a Jew, the idea of "camp" has never quite sat well with me. My people and "camping" didn't quite work out last time around, no matter how hard we concentrated. I also see civilization as linear progress away from sleeping on floors and around animals. But by Gods, have you seen the Design Within Reach Airstream trailer? Tow-alongs that pop up into mansions! Thule cases that let you bring as much disinfectant as you want. REI sells pretty much everything you could want for any sport you might fancy. While they don't drill down into super fine levels of sportiness like triathlon, you can still get supplies for individual sports that work well. They carry Pearl Izumi and Descente bike clothing, hiking gear, camping supplies, rock climbing, floating vests, even full sized Kayaks. They also stock enough flavors of Gu to keep your mind off how bad the stuff tastes. Personally, I'm a "chocolate outrage" guy, but only because the stuff is so thick with chocolate it's like having Bill Duke cum in your mouth. *Ahem* If you buy enough sporty stuff I suggest joining their co-op which earns you dividends on purchases.
www.rei.com

Roll n' Rye – deli
10990 Jefferson Blvd, Culver City
Can’t tell you why, but if there’s a deli I have to try it. It’s not like I’m a huge fan of sliced meat and sauerkraut. It’s not like I have fond memories of grandparents taking me out for pickles and Rueben sandwiches. My grandparents lived in Philadelphia and had a condo in Atlantic City. When it comes to comfort I like cheesesteaks and skee ball, not borscht and kreplach. But nevertheless my Judaic programming insists I try every deli in a ten mile radius from where I live. Maybe it’s like a sleeper cell thing for Jews I haven’t been told about yet. Anyway, Roll n’ Rye is a cute neighborhood deli tucked into a big strip mall at Jefferson and Sepulveda in Culver City. The owner is a delightful woman who is an active supporter of the Culver City communities. There’s a large blue-hair contingent that shows up early, and I was pretty satisfied by the dining experience. If you have to hook up to the mother ship like I do, Roll n’ Rye will do the job nicely for the same price as Canter's or Junior's. Figure $10 a head.

Ronnie's Diner - greasy spoon without the grease
(310) 578-9399, 12740 Culver Blvd, Los Angeles
It took me a while to warm up to Ronnie's. There's nothing really remarkable about it at first, until you realize that their menu is basically without crappy food. Most diners I go to are a process of choosing something "less bad" for me. I'll figure out some sort of combination of eggs and meat and try to avoid ordering the huge, pillowy biscuit, or the complimentary cinnamon bun - or worse - the deadly combination of the two (damn you, Dolores!). But at Ronnie's, the whole menu is diner food made by an ex-bodybuilder health nut so the rice is brown, the beans are black, and vegetables are steamed and few things are fried. Give Ronnie's a whirl sometime when you're looking for an unpretentious, healthy meal served by nice folks just running a good joint. (With possibly the most uncomfortable bench seats.) About ten bucks per person. (April, 2007)

Rosalind's Ethiopian
(323) 936-2486, 1044 S Fairfax, Los Angeles
If you've never had Ethiopian before, get a group of good friends together and go to Rosalynd's. Tell your waitress or waiter that you've never done it before and you want them to guide you through it. The delight of Ethiopian food is that everything is served community-style on a large plate of injiri bread. Your food is laid out on the communal plate. A plate of injiri bread is served separately, and you use a small piece of the soft bread to scoop the food into your mouth by hand. Part of Ethiopian dining is to feed your friends by hand, it is a sign of love and care. I think it underscores how infrequently we touch one another, and how we've disconnected ourselves from simple, intimate experiences like dining. The food really does qualify as exotic to most people's palates. Ethiopian spice combinations are complicated and rich. The vegetarian platter will come with greens, yellow lentils, marinated cabbage, red lentils, and a savory potato salad. All of these are really quite good, each different, each even more wonderful when scooped together. We usually order our meat dish a la carte, and both the lamb and beef are delicious. Food for three or four tends to be about thirty to forty bucks before tip.
www.rosalindsrestaurant.com

Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles – Soul food
5006 W Pico Blvd, Los Angeles
1514 N Gower St., Hollywood
106 W Manchester Ave, Los Angeles
830 N Lake Ave, Pasadena
730 E Broadway, Long Beach
In 1988, John Cusak and Tim Robbins starred in a hilarious movie that no one saw, called Tapeheads. They play two dorks from the suburbs with a passion for old soul music and a burning desire to make music videos. In the movie, they make a spec TV commercial for Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles. I saw it well before ever moving to Los Angeles, so when my first roommate told me that it really existed I practically broke my neck getting over there. Thankfully, 'Scoe's is nothing like the fake ad in the movie. Roscoe's does indeed serve chicken and waffles, and until you've had it together you never realized that they were a perfect match. My personal favorite is the irony laden Big Mamma's special. It's ironic because it's an omelet impregnated with fried chicken and cheese. Which came first? The chicken or the omelet? You can get your lemon Kool-Aid fix here, along with greens and cone bread. The Hollywood location is by far the more cozy, but you're more likely to get a table at the Pico/La Brea spot. Every year, it's worth going into the Hollywood location at Grammy time. Trust me. Every east coast R&B and rap superstar is waiting for a table. Two people can eat well here for twenty five bucks.
www.roscoeschickenandwaffles.com

Runyon Canyon Park
(323) 666-5046, 2000 N Fuller, Los Angeles
There needs to be two reviews for Runyon Canyon, the upper trail and the lower trail. The lower trail is a long incline U-shape that peaks at a spectacular view of Hollywood and Los Angeles sprawled out before you. After hiking your way up the steep steps or taking the long, lazy uphill ogling strippers and their beefcake personal trainers, you are rewarded with a breathtaking view all the way to the ocean (on a good day with low smog). The down side is a meat market, on a hot day the smell of dog shit is overpowering, and the flies make you think someone body-dumped Pigpen in a shallow grave. That's why I recommend the upper trail. The upper trail can be accessed by a small trail just north of the western-most entrance to the park just after the metal gates. The upper trail is truly a workout and it bypasses most of the heavily made-up boob jobbed and pec-implant ninnies below. Your dog is still welcome off-leash in the upper trail, but you may be doing some carrying over the rocks and crevasses. It's a longer trail, but infinitely more rewarding. It takes you onto a residential street briefly before spitting you back into the park near the overlook peak area. Challenge yourself by running loops around the upper and lower trails, and make a game of looking for dead bodies!

Spago
176 N Canon Drive, Beverly Hills
Overpriced and unimpressive. The special here is asshole, served nightly.
www.wolfgangpuck.com/rest/fine/spago/

Shamshiri Grill – Persian
1712 Westwood Blvd, Los Angeles
Persian food is the safe way to say Iranian, or middle-eastern cuisine. You'll find that many restaurants will even just say they are "unique ethnic food" because Americans tend to be so stupid they can't separate radical fundamentalist factions from exiled entrepreneurs who worked under a puppet government. Iranians frequently are industrious businesspeople who are creating jobs and contributing to their communities. Shamshiri serves large portions of shish kebab with a metric ton of Jasmine rice with saffron. They do whole roast chickens, lamb, spiced beef kebab, and a really good lentil soup. They also do a vegetarian rice dish with cherries that will have you slamming the table it's so good. When you've got the need for a whopping plate of spicy meat, get your face over to Shamshiri. Average price for two people has been about twenty five bucks.
www.shamshiri.com

Smitty's Famous Fish & Chips
9032 Venice Blvd, Culver City
Support local soul food!

sno:la - frozen yogurt
(310) 274-2435, 244 N Beverly Hills Dr, Beverly Hills
Previously I've posited the FroYo equation where (NY)+berry=FroYo location; where N=level of tang and Y=perkiness of Korean clerk. Leave it to Beverly Hills to white that shit up, yo. sno:la thumbs its nose at your Korean teenie bopper expectations and baseline requirement of tanginess. Its proximity to Spago has caused it to spawn a zillion toppings in metal bowls lit from beneath featuring swanky items such as hazelnut strudel and aloe. Normally I rub aloe on my burns and once made the mistake of doing it to my dog, who then licked it off her body and proceeded to get violently ill. The aloe in this case tasted like lychees in a gelatinous solution. As such, sno:la is staffed by exceedingly friendly non-Koreans who serve several flavors of "all natural, organic, made-on-premises frozen yogurt". Whole Foods lifestyle words. Flavors on tap include "italian" (plain tart), chocolate, mango, sour cherry, and pomegranate. Some available as swirls or just half and half mixes, and plenty of fruit and junky toppings to choose from. Not a goddamn sprinkle in the bunch, though, so it's still working that sanctimonious "healthy" angle. sno:la has chocolate chip cookies and crushed Oreos making their way into the mix, and a chocolate sauce that isn't so bad, but my repeat business is still going to the shop that has the balls to put out caramel sauce. Caramel, folks. It's what makes dessert a dessert. Breakfast cereal is a gateway food. After a full meal with dessert when the late night sweet tooth kicks in, breakfast cereal suffices as a stopgap measure. You stand in the kitchen (standing disqualifies it from being a meal and nullifies its caloric count) munching a bowl of cereal at 12:30am, but what you want is a chocolate truffle. Or ice cream. Or a sundae. Or Dove bar. Or caramel chew. Cake. Maybe cake. Pie? Is there pie in the house? Damn, the cereal didn't finish the job, it reset the metabolic clock! Now I have to eat a full day of food again to justify dessert! Breakfast cereals aren't dessert. When you put them on frozen yogurt you're lying to yourself! Just get goddamn dessert! sno:la's yogurt is forgettable. It's tangy but loses its flavor quickly. The texture isn't smooth enough and doesn't necessarily compliment the toppings. They get points for an interesting selection of toppings and yogurt flavors, but when it comes down to the brass tacks what I want in frozen yogurt is hot Korean girls with insanely perky breasts serving me tangy, overpriced yogurt and a goddamn fucking choice of caramel sauce.

Sofi's Greek Restaurant & Garden – Greek
8030 3/4 W 3^rd St., Los Angeles
Go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy of Guns, Germs, and Steel. It is a book that attempts to answer why Spaniards with horses and guns landed in south American and conquered the indigenous tribes, rather than the other way around. One of Jared Diamond's major points is that the region known as the fertile crescent had vastly more crops and animals the early human population was able to domesticate. This lead to a better immune system, which lead to an agrarian society, which resulted in longer survival rates, and spawned cities, artisans, and technologists. The fertile crescent gave rise to the Babylonian empire, the Assyrians, the Persians, and what is now Israel and Syria. These early civilizations spread their farming technology across the region, due to similar climates and farming abilities. Language and technology spread across the longitudinal meridian and voila, the Mediterranean cuisines all have a similar GUI. Greece appropriated a lot of this long pre-history and claimed it as its own. Turkey, Macedonia, and Italy all have an antagonism towards certain aspects of Greek society for this reason. What is true Greek architecture? True Greek art? It's like asking what is American. Greece was the dominant civilization of its day and appropriated the world into itself. But Greek food does taste different from middle eastern and Persian food, even though so much of it looks the same. Sofi's is one of the few true Greek restaurants in the city, with both traditional seafood choices, as well as poultry and beef entrees. They make a wonderful Avgolemonu, a lemon-egg soup that is a sublime balance of tart and creamy, with tender chunks of chicken and orzo. They fish is stupendous, as are the traditional moussakka and lamb dishes. They have a splendid outdoor patio, but it's usually populated by ugly smokers. Two people can dine for thirty dollars.

Sterling Cleaners
(310) 287-2431, 3405 Overland Ave, Los Angeles
Sterling is the cleanest, most friendly, English speaking dry cleaners I've been to in the city thus far. However, their prices are high, their tailor is hit or miss, and sometimes you just want something cleaned inexpensively or hemmed right and you'll take a certain amount of "what?" in your transaction to get it. While everything I've had cleaned by them has come out properly, the curtains I had them shorten came back uneven and they charged me almost $100 to do the hem and clean them in a machine. Whoa, nelly! They offer complimentary pickup and dropoff service and I've not had them lose anything.
www.sterlingcleaners.com

Stolichnaya Bakery - Russian bakery for local Russians
7875 Santa Monica Blvd, West Hollywood
When Russian immigrant women turn 40 they are apparently programmed to dye their hair bright orange and put on a sloppy pink slash of lipstick with war paint rouge. There are always a half dozen of these squat lovelies working at my favorite bakery, talking it up with the senior citizen customers, all of whom have yellow nicotine stains on their fingers and wear the cutest cardigan sweaters you've ever seen. But the greatest thing about a Russian bakery is that it explains the major ass whupping they got in Afghanistan: it's all about the poppy seed. How can you dominate a country that so has your number? Poppy seed dessert rolls, poppy seed strudel, poppy seed cookies, and year-round hamentashen. They also do cream puffs, cookies, Turk cakes and the like. My perfect lunch consists of to-go sushi from Whole Foods capped with a poppy seed bear claw from those hot Russian ladies.

Suehiro - Japanese diner
337 E 1^st St., Little Tokyo
Suehiro is another late night option for those looking for non-Denny's selections. By Japanese diner, I mean that it's run by Japanese people, frequented by local Japanese people, and the menu is geared towards Japanese readers first. You can order a wide array of beef and chicken bowl combinations, but even more fun are the triangular rice "balls" with cooked salmon inside. If you're daring, order the rice ball with the roe eggs - it's the egg sac of a fish cooked into a tumorous lump, packed in rice, and swaddled in seaweed. Man alive, it's salty and good. Manga comics and Japanese pop magazines at the front are available if you're lonely. Plenty of combo options and an array of soups and bento boxes.

Surfas – restaurant, foodie, and chef outfiter
(310) 559-4770, 8777 Washington Blvd, Culver City
Surfas bills itself as a chef's paradise and it fulfills that promise beyond imagination. Surfas is a bounty of cooking supplies - every odd utensil you've ever needed, in an assortment of varieties that would make Christopher Kimball's head spin. In fact, if you've ever wanted to actually see any of the tools Cook's Illustrated spotlights in their "what is this" section, go to Surfas. If they don't have it, they certainly know about it and can get it. It's dangerous for me to enter because I can immediately justify a half dozen purchases. And since they've moved to a huge new location, just next door to their old one, and added a full cafe that hosts cheese tasting events on Sundays it's a sure bet I'm leaving poorer and fatter for having visited. This is a must-visit destination for anyone in Los Angeles who enjoys cooking. (Reviewed June 2006)
www.surfasonline.com

Sushi Anju - Japanese
11670 Gateway Blvd, Los Angeles, (310) 478-8991
An absolutely phenomenal, intimate sushi bar a stone's throw from the more popular Nanotokyo neighborhood. Two person tables line the side wall and a private nook in the back can accomodate slightly larger groups. The menu creations are sophisticated, delicious creations made with oustanding, fresh ingredients. The sushi itself has always been impeccably fresh and succulent. This is consistently the best overall Japanese we've had in town.

Swedish Auto Clinic - Volvo repair
(310) 396-9044, 2323 Lincoln Blvd, Santa Monica, CA
Bjorn Jensen is just the kind of guy you want working on your Volvo. He's the real deal, accent and all. My wife's mother's family are Swedish, so there's something familiar about the large, brooding Swede who makes grunting noises in agreement. I've had good service done at the Auto Clinic, however on one occasion I needed two repeat visits to make sure the odometer repair was working correctly. Swedes do not by nature enjoy having to explain themselves, so getting more information can be a slow, ponderous process. The good news is that they know what they're doing, they have the right wacky metric tools no one else has for Volvos, and their prices are reasonable. Price gouging just isn't the Swedish way. They're so used to giving up half their incomes to taxes in a properly working socialist country that it's incomprehensible to stick it to a customer.

Synergy Cafe & Lounge
(310) 559-8868, 4455 Overland Ave, Los Angeles
I have tried. I really have. Different hours, different Baristas, different orders. The coffee sucks. The ambience, scene, bakery counter, and everything else is so good and so relaxed but the coffee is gross. It's either been burned to a cinder before having cooked milk dumped in, or the beans are more premature than a fifteen year old with a hooker. You're not a good coffee shop if your basic ingredient blows chunks.

S&W Country Diner – diner
9748 Washington Blvd, Culver City
Wonder why there's always a line at the S&W? Go and find out. A family run operation in the heart of downtown Culver City, the S&W is what a roadside diner should be. Grits done right, eggs, pancakes, good rib stickin' grub. Oh, and the waitresses who work there are drop dead beautiful. Not in that weird L.A. got-a-head-shot in their pocket way, either. These girls are direct descendents of Betty Page. Unpretentious and always happy to see you, they'll take a seat at your table and take a load off. Great people, great dive. And they have a corn reaper on the wall. Have to love that. But perhaps the single best reason to go is they always give you separate checks without question. To me, it's a great sign of egalitarianism and lack of pretension. We average eight bucks a person here.

Sweet Lady Jane - dessert and cakes
8360 Melrose Ave., 2 blocks east of La Cienega
Hands down the best desserts in this city. Once there was Operetta, they were a 24 hour dessertery on 3rd. Then they closed under shady auspices and The Sweet Life opened in their place. They had an amazing banana cream pudding. They closed late in 2002. Now Sweet lady Jane has no competition. They do amazing cakes that are well worth the slightly pricey tag. They make cakes to order, decorated to order, and they also have a small, cozy coffee shop and cake per-slice counter inside. You will wait a long time for a table at night, since it's no secret this place rules the earth with a sugary fist.
www.sweetladyjane.com

Table 8 - market-driven California cuisine
7661 Melrose Ave, Los Angeles, (323) 782-8258
A friend of mine is a professional chef who has never, and I mean never, given me a single bad piece of food advice. Her primary job is to anticipate and cater to the ever-changing needs of her client's palettes, so I'm certain I'm as challenging as a pithed Forest Gump. When she looked at the menu for Table 8 she pointed to the American Kurobuto pork and said "make sure you get this" and good God was she right. Of course, the moment I placed my order I remembered that it was also critical to order the salt encrusted Porterhouse steak (which should be ordered when you make your reservation). But the waitress asked the kitchen and they made an exception. Ahem - ask the price first. At $75 it was the first time I felt the need to apologize to my dad for ordering without checking the price. He responded in the way the best long distance parents should: he smiled and said he doesn't get the chance to feed me more than a few times a year and he figures he's still coming out ahead. Way to go, dad! And let me tell you - the Porterhouse was one of the all time great steaks of my life. The crown of salt seals the aromatics into the meat, and with the Porterhouse you're actually getting the New York on the right and the filet mignon on the left so it's more than enough to feed two people. My dad got the pork and I got the Porterhouse and by God we ate the hell out of the farm. The steak was served with bok choi over potatoes, and the pork came with awesome greens and grits. My wife loved her Alaskan char and my stepmother loved her salads. Oh yes, and their cheese plate was perfect and introduced me to the wonder that is the Dorrington. Table 8 was astonishingly good, a total surprise, and Executive Chef Govind Armstrong was lovely to thank afterwards. As indicated by the sticker shock on the Porterhouse, if you need to know the price you shouldn't eat here. (Reviewed May 2006)
www.table8la.com

Tajrish - strip mall Persian food
507 Washington Blvd. Marina Del Rey, (310) 301-3344
Finally! A serviceable strip mall hole-in-the-wall Persian restaurant. The soups are wonderful, the lamb delicious, and the beef tenderloin barg so-so. With a modest wine list, exceptionally friendly staff, and a menu that satisfies the immediate need for Iranian cuisine, Tajrish is a welcome spot. Kabobs run $12 to $14, soups are $5.

Tamara's Tamales - tamales
(310) 305-7714, 13352 W Washington Blvd, Los Angeles, CA
Yet another gem hidden inside a crappy looking strip mall Tamara's Tamales is an orgiastic cornucopia. Hand made from scratch daily the sheer volume, variety, and quality of tamales is mind blowing. To be fair, we're talking about three tablespoons of ingredients impregnated into a corn meal womb and wrapped in corn husk. But at any given time you can choose from dozens of different kinds, exotic or traditional, haute or cold, meat or vegetarian, even fat-free and dessert. You can grab a bucket for your husks and eat-in, get them to go, or order by the dozen and freeze them for later. The only down side is that they're not cheap. Each tamale runs an average of $4, the king crab is $7.50! If you and a friend get a decent variety you're in for at least a $30 meal. (Reviewed May 2006)
www.tamarastamales.com

Tarzana Armenian Grocery
(818) 881-6278, 18598 Ventura Blvd, Tarzana
For those of you in the valley looking to buy frozen versions of Abraham Partamian's pizzas, the Tarzana Armenian Grocery keeps a big freezer full of them. While you're there make sure to pick up a few deli sandwiches rolled into lavash. Their version of a deli offers some wonderful interpretations of classic sandwiches, as well as a few Armenian specialties worth the field trip.

Taylor's Steak House
3361 W 8th St. Los Angeles
Taylor's is one of the last red leather seat, wood walled steak houses of Los Angeles. A wholly traditional beef menu of nothing but meat, meat, angina, meat, potatoes, and a side vegetable. The place is in a crappy ass part of L.A., which really only adds to the ambiance and decor. You can see fire and police retirements parties here, and the many fattening meals to expand the bellies and arteries of formerly fit men. The staff has changed along with the neighborhood; I thought I was ordering garlic fries, and got cottage fries instead due to a thick Hispanic accent (not mine, mind you). Nevertheless, my bone-in prime rib was good, a tad less pink than I was hoping for, but otherwise a nice piece of meat. The night before I had finished reading a lengthy article about aging meats by James Steingarten, the food writer for Vogue, and knew to ask about the aging methods of the restaurant. Steingarten is adamant about dry aging beef (see Nick+Stef's, part of the Patina group food oligarchy of Los Angeles cultural landmarks) for at least 6 to 8 weeks, and then cooking to medium rare (just to warm on the inside). Taylor's meats are wet aged for two weeks, meaning they are shrink wrapped in plastic to expedite the process. Ruth's Chris does the same thing and all use USDA prime cuts. (A side note, Ruth's Chris is named as such because Ruth got the restaurant in the divorce and continues to rub Chris' nose in her settlement by making her name the possessive. i.e. "Ivana's Mercedes", "Tom Cruise's children", or "Meg Ryan's film career".). If you ask Steingarten he'd say it was garbage. If you ask me, it was a fine place to spend my 30th birthday, and my fiancee's excitement over taking me to a classic steak house for my birthday was more than delicious.
www.taylorssteakhouse.com

Teaforest – coffee and tea
Washington Blvd, across from the Helms bakery, Culver City
Teaforest is a delightful little coffee shop that is owned and operated by a charming Japanese woman who was a flight attendant for five years before opening her first business. Her husband runs the web design shop next door and they share a wall between them during the day. It also means that her paper collateral and packaging of teas is really nice and slick. Miyako is a delight and her little coffee and tea shop is a nice quiet place to duck in, as opposed to the modern Starbucks experience which requires being subjected to deafening levels of recycled jazz and zydeco for white people.

Tender Greens - California cafe from an organic family farm
(310) 842-8300, 9523 Culver Blvd, Culver City
Tender Greens is a fabulous neighborhood restaurant in the blossoming "restaurant row" section of Culver City. A cafeteria style ordering system means your food is prepared in front of you, your salad and hot plates made to order. While Tender Green's menu is extremely limited, what they do offer is outstanding quality ingredients, fresh vegetables, and high quality meats. I find their chicken on its own to be dry, so it's best in one of their main course salads like the Chipotle barbecue chicken salad with creamy lime dressing. The flat iron steak, however, is dynamite on its own or in their big salad with beets and a horseradish vinaigrette.While normally I poo-poo the hippie California roughage crowd, Tender Greens is so consistently good I find myself treating it as a walk-in neighborhood cafe rather than a colonic destination like Leaf. The staff have the overly gregarious nature of people who eat all their vegetables and the aqua fresca and iced tea are a must-try. Given that you'll want a dinner salad, drinks, and maybe a dessert, two people will eat for around $30. (Reviewed October 2006)
www.tendergreensfood.com

Teishokuya of Tokyo, T.O.T. – Japanese
(213)680-0344, 345 E. 2nd St., Los Angeles
If you're looking for a great Japanese restaurant that serves everything you're craving in beef steak, sushi, salmon, bento boxes, combo plates, and tempura, make sure that you visit T.O.T. Depending on where you look (the awning, your credit card bill, or online) Teishokuya Of Tokyo, or Taste Of Tokyo, or just T.O.T, the name makes it somewhat hard to find in directory listings. But like most of the really good restaurants in Little Tokyo they advertise amongst the local newspapers in vertical writing. If you want authentic food you have to brave the Nippon-shtetl barrier. The wait staff is exceedingly friendly and there are enough options to keep you interested for many visits. Fresh sushi, expertly grilled meats, and delicious soups. Fairly priced, too at about $15 a head.

Thai Original BBQ Restaurant – Thai
10036 Venice Blvd. at Clarington
Not to be mistaken for Nathalee Thai, the other Thai restaurant diagonally across the street with the fancy modernist décor and mediocre food. I get a hankering for Original Thai BBQ's beef satay dinner at least once a fortnight. Their vegetarian dishes are good and aren't just there as a token. The menu is all the standard Thai menu food: rice noodles, lemon coconut milk soup, fried rice, and the usual assortment of brown sauced meats. Average price for two people is about twenty bucks before tip.

Toast Bakery Cafe
8221 W 3^rd St., Los Angeles
The brother of the owner of New York’s Magnolia bakery took over this space and introduced Los Angeles to the wonder that is banana pudding with Nilla wafers. Sure they had great sandwiches and entrees, but we all knew what paid the rent. Sadly, The Sweet Life closed down and Toast opened with the usual fare of steel cut granola, good sandwiches, and a full dessert bar. But due to location demand they were forced to resurrect the banana pudding! The coffee still sucks and the lines are outrageous, plus it’s only open for breakfast and lunch. But the food rocks and the pudding is sugar crack.
Follow-up, December 2006:
Toast blows. The service is shitty, they microwaved my cold coffee when I asked for a fresh cup, and the food was either too salty or simply bad. Even the banana custard was stale. Avoid.

Tony's "Little Italy" Pizza - Chicago-style deep dish pizza & misc. Italian food
(714) 528-2159, 1808 Unit B, N. Placentia Ave., Placentia
We didn't need to order the 12" pizza. I'm sure the 10" would have been fine. But after a morning spent extolling the virtues of our rescued greyhound at a show and tell event at the Fullerton Arboretum, the 10" pizza just didn't seem like enough comfort. Being gregarious requires a tremendous expense of energy and the only way we were going to resupply was with the deep dish pizza rated #1 by AOL's City Search users in 2007. I'm the first one to discount the infinite monkeys typing on infinite computers opinion (especially AOL monkeys), but I have to hand it to them - this pizza rocks. The cheese bomb exploded in our mouths with a sweet and tangy sauce and a crust like a crunchy homemade biscuit. The counter dude and I had a brief debate over the flaky crust aspects of the Chicago chain Giordanos. He felt it was flaky and tasteless, I thought it was flaky and sublime. (By the way, Giordanos will partially bake and overnight ship their pizza anywhere in the U.S. I'm going to do it very soon!) The crust at Tony's is what Pizzaria Uno attempts but fails to achieve: a firm crunch yielding to spongy bread beneath, designed to support the high depth of the Chicago pizza rather than soak up the grease of the New York style. Tony's is so far the best deep dish pizza I've had in Southern California. The 12" pie was more than enough for the two of us, and continued to feed us throughout the day. I should note that any attempt to operate heavy machinery afterwards is ill advised - the drive back home with the belly full of Tony's pizza was deadly due to carbohydrate induced yawning. A 12" pie and a drink was twenty bucks. (April, 2007)

Triathlete Zombies
(310) 315-1485, 3216 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica
Triathlete Zombies is a small store catering to a very specific market. As such, it's hard to carry a wide selection of products when your target audience has so many needs. Let's just run down the very basic needs of your normal, everyday triathlete: Swim suit - or if you're doing open water races you're going to want a wet suit. Bike shorts - unless you want erectile disfunction or numb labia. Bike - you can compete on your old bomber, but you're going to want a road bike eventually for those 40+ milers. Bike shoes. Helmet. Running shoes. Sunscreen that won't come off after two hours. Gu. Yes, Gu. The list goes on an on. Water bottles, cycling bibs, sunglasses, tank tops, running shorts, and on and on and on. Triathlete Zombies is owned and staffed by Triathletes. They'll give you honest info, look hard in their stock for what you want, and chances are you'll find something that meets your needs. If you want to get really specific on brand or product they can order it for you, but if you're that picky about your needs (and when you get to certain levels of this stuff all you are is picky) the staff will point you in the right direction. Triathlon is hard enough without bad retail experiences, so it's nice that Triathlete Zombies is around to help us out.
www.triathletezombies.com

Triathlon Lab
(310) 374-9100, 600 N Catalina Ave, Redondo Beach
My experience of Triathlon Lab is a testament to the power of blogs and Web 2.0. I just completed my first season of triathlon, racing 5 events including Boise 70.3 and Santa Barbara Long Course. I started blogging at the beginning of the year, discussing my immersion in the field including training, product comparison, and my own personal growth. The triathlon community in Southern California is large for such an iconoclastic sport, but it's still a tight-knit community of intelligent, opinionated people. Which is why it felt out of place that I had several bad experiences my first several times shopping at Triathlon Lab. I felt brushed off, ignored, and not taken seriously. Eventually I took it personally and blogged about my negative experiences. It came as quite a surprise that one of the owners personally reached out to me via Facebook (linked from my blog page), apologized for the way I was treated, and asked more details about my experience so she could address it as a customer service opportunity with her staff. I sent her a detailed report of my visits and spending experience, contrasted this to my positive experiences at Triathlete Zombies in Santa Monica, and thanked her for reaching out. That began a dialogue that has resulted in my purchase of a new 2008 Cervelo P3C triathlon bike. For those who don't know, when you buy a bike you're buying the shop as much as the bike itself. A good shop will do a proper fit, and then a follow-up fit to make sure the bike is right. Also, there is maintenance, tune-ups, and the never ending list of STUFF that gets added to the bike over time. The way the owner reached out, accepted responsibility, and then made up for the initial negative experience was enough to encourage me to forge this new relationship. The store is well stocked with a wide variety of gear, clothing, and staff. They have a considerably large bike shop and a solid spread of brands from entry-level and road all the way to pro level. I suggest talking to different staff members and finding someone you get along with and then coming back to them. Going in alone and browsing might not yield immediate gregariousness, but asking questions and getting to know the staff will make your experience better.

Twains – diner
12905 Ventura Blvd, at Coldwater, Sherman Oaks
Why spend thirteen bucks for a sandwich at Jerry’s when all you really want is a patio to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette? At least, that was my thinking when I subsisted exclusively on caffeine and nicotine. Twains offered a haven for cheap eats and table loitering. Twains is a lot like Norms, but the wait staff is slightly more bitter and the grill chef is certainly more bored and ornery. Twains is where to go to remind yourself not to linger too long in the San Fernando valley. Mull this over at four in the morning over a seven dollar steak and eggs.

26 Beach Café
3100 Washington Blvd, Marina del Rey
One of the best brunch menus in town. An astounding variety of waffles, crepes, and brunch fare. Makes you wish for an L.A. branch of the Squat N' Gobble, but this will satisfy nicely if you can get in on a Sunday.

Twin Dragon Chinese Restaurant
8597 W Pico Blvd., Los Angeles
God said that Jews can only eat pork when it's in Chinese food. Twin Dragon proves that axiom, it is always packed with my fellow Red Sea Pedestrians. We've spent many a New Years or Christmas dinner gobbling down their white fish and orange chicken. They do your normal Chinese food dishes, plus a few good specialties, but nothing stands out as exceptional. Though, the last time we ordered, the crispy garlic chicken was great. This is just decent Chinese food without a lot of grease and a wonderfully tacky full bar. Two entrees and soup will cost you around twenty five dollars.

Uncle Darrow’s – Cajun Café
5185 W Washington Blvd, Los Angeles
It's remarkable how far charm will get you. We return to Uncle Darrows because the manager and the staff are incredibly friendly, gregarious, and welcoming. They are truly interested in the quality of your dining experience and are more than happy to give samples and tell you everything you need to know about Cajun Creole cuisine. Unfortunately there's only so much deep-friend anything I can take, so I have to limit my trips else I turn into Dr. John. Uncle Darrows does fantastic jambalaya with turkey and chicken sausage, red beans and rice, po' boys, and more. The voodoo supper is more than enough for two people to get stuffed silly on deep fried oysters, catfish, and more. No beef or pork and save room for the cobbler and beignets!
www.uncledarrows.com

Venus of Venice - vegetarian
12034 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles
If David Lynch had a vegetarian restaurant, this would be it. With wall decorations culled from the pages of Highlights for Children, and shrines made of Goodwill junk cobbled together, the decor of Venus of Venice is enough to cause nightmares for weeks afterwards. The food is a mishmash of styles and flavors without any logic. While the proprietor is intensely friendly, she's also kind of disturbing because she fits right into the room. Eating at Venus of Venice is like going to a psychiatrist's waiting room where the patients have taken over the decoration and the kitchen. Funny. Not "hah hah" funny. Beware.
Venus of Venice

Vertical Wine Bistro - wine bar restaurant
(626) 795-3999, 70 N Raymond Ave, Pasadena (upstairs)
Ahhh, the birthday dinner at the expensive tapas restaurant. You want to be a good friend and participate, but you know - you just KNOW - you're getting fucked on the bill. Woe is the friend who arrives a little late to the event, orders a glass of wine and an entree, and then when the bill comes some schmuck at the table has the temerity to say "let's just divide this up equally, OK?" Suddenly you're thinking you should have had the Beluga-stuffed coelacanth glazed in real gold. Confession: this time, I was the schmuck. We've been to enough of these events that we brace ourselves for the bill and make sure that since we're getting reamed on the bill anyway we might as well lube up and enjoy the ride. The wine flights are a unique treat - trios of wine served in two ounce glasses. The choices are lovely and I had a hard time choosing from many tempting combos. Some years ago my father introduced me to the virtues of the Rhone Rangers, so I went with flight 14, Wines of the Rhone Valley. For $24 this was an outstanding choice. There was an outrageously bold wine that apparently is the closest thing you can get to a chataeneuf de pape for less than a house. My wife had the World of Whites which featured an Austrian wine that was incredibly savory and peppery. Smelled weird, but was one of the most unique whites we've ever had. We were cautioned against the polenta, but the square that came with the pulled pork was super tasty though a little too buttery. The pork, however, was pretty much the best pig candy ever. The fig poppers were delicious but a little rich. Share this one amongst your table. My one real complaint is over the cheese plate. A sampling of domestic cheeses. Totally not worth it. The chevre wasn't nearly bold enough, the cheddar tasted like something from Albertsons, and the blue didn't burn one whit. Remember, "domestic cheese" is just another way of saying "American cheese", a substance lacking in both flavor, culture, and taste, homogenized to death. Vertical Wine Bistro understands the best wine comes from surrender monkeys, they should look east for the cheese, too. It's a fun experience, but if you go with a group make sure you order a lot so when the bill does arrive you can at least feel like you got your Benjamin's worth.
www.verticalwinebistro.com

Victor Jr's - pizza, pastas
(310) 559-8900, 10113 Washington Blvd, Culver City
I've got to give a shout out to my homies in the Culver. Victor Jr's makes a damn fine pizza, they deliver, they have a web site to make ordering easier, and the mad metal grill on their delivery guy makes O.D.B. look like a dental poster boy. Tangy red sauce, thin crusts, and a consistently great pizza. Priced right, $15-$25 for big pies.
www.victorjrs.com

Vinoteque - tapas bar/wine bar
(310) 482-3490, 4437 Sepulveda Blvd, Culver City
O cursed location of Sepulveda and Braddock. It's the flyover section of Culver City, a badly timed light that clogs 405 access via Braddock, and is the launchpad for drivers desperate to accelerate after the construction at Sepulveda and Culver. It is no surprise that Synergy died a sputtering death at that location; the only pedestrian traffic is from teenagers eating Taco Bell while walking home from school. So rather curious that a wine bar would choose the husk of a failed coffee shop to incubate (though it could have been the live music that killed Synergy. Live music can be the death dirge of many a fine location). Scuttlebutt has it that the owner was a former partner with the Bottle Rock chap, but split over some quarrel. Vinoteque is his idea of a wine bar. With an outstanding selection of wines from all over the world, but favoring French and Spanish, you can find something for every palette and budget here. A flight of 3 wines is a very reasonable $15, and as mentioned in other reviews a television scrolls the wines opened for other tables that are available by the glass. Bring your speed reading skills because the TV changes too quickly - especially after a glass or six of wine. The food was a wonderful surprise. An excellent variety of cheese served at perfect temperature, all of which didn't puss out on flavor, intensity, or deliciousness. The middle east burger was a scrumptious pair of kefta rolls, the gazpacho soup was a lovely surprise, but the knockout by far was a sandwich of fig compote and a cheese blend of Gorgonzola and Camembert. This was pure panini perfection. Dinner and several drinks for four came to $130 before tip. Our server was lovely, our drink was wonderful, and the food surpassed all expectations. IT'S JUST A FUCKING SHAME ABOUT THE MUSIC. The entire time our ears were assaulted by what could only be called "cruel and unusual jazz". I hate jazz, and the only thing I hate more than jazz are people who subject others to the playing of jazz. Vinoteque has a severe infestation of both jazz, jazz enthusiasts, and jazz musicians. It's bad, people. I mean, health department F-rating bad. White dude with his eyes closed twinkling the upper 88 keys bad. Double bass playing, soul-patch sporting, tweed pork-pie hat bad. Constant threat of "jamming" bad. It makes conversation impossible, it drowns out reasonable thought, and drives you screaming into the street looking for the pleasant sounds of truck drivers hammering down Sepulveda. As we were leaving I told the server how wonderful the food, service, and wine was but the music was an attack on all that was good in the world she said, "oh, well, some nights we have singer/songwriters, too". So much for going back.

Wabi-Sabi - sushi
(310) 314-2229, 1637 Abbot Kinney Blvd, Venice
The Japanese aesthetic of wabi-sabi is the acceptance of transience and the beauty in imperfection. One could make the case that Wabi-Sabi the restaurant is the aesthetic of accepting that the money you earn is transient, and if you want eat at their restaurant you have to accept that you are imperfect. Our meal was fine, but the fish was forgettable. I'm the kind of sushi eater who wants to swoon over the sashimi and Wabi-Sabi had a low swoon factor. The concoction dishes were needlessly complex, and while tasty, the baseline of outstanding fish just wasn't there. I guess you need a lot of "forbidden rice" to compensate for "mediocre fish". Expect to pay thirty per person for the privilege of Venice dining. (April, 2007)
www.wabisabisushi.com

Westminister Off-Leash Dog Park
(310) 301-1550, 1234 Pacific Ave, Venice
There's nothing like a dozen dogs that have been cooped up all day and are unleashed by their pig-ignorant owners and allowed to terrorize the rest of us. I hate Venice. If you're not a burned out druggie with a flea-infested pitbull, you're a multi-million dollar homeowner with a pack of Dobermans you don't even watch as they rip apart some other dog. The Westminister dog park is hell. The people suck, the dogs are worse, and every time we've been my dogs come back injured. El Segundo and Culver City's Boneyard are far superior.

Wilson - new American
(310) 287-2093, 8631 E Washington Blvd, Culver City
Should I fault a restaurant for being my final straw? It's not like Wilson was hiding anything from me - all indicators said this would be an expensive meal. But I think I've finally reached a point where I'm appalled by the price of things, regardless of their quality, pedigree, or sophistication. Wilson's is good, believe it, but we paid $40 for lunch. I had the beef stuffed calamari for $13, my wife had the meatloaf for $15. I was delighted by the idea of stuffing a land mammal into a cephalopod, so I had to order it. It was tasty, to be sure, but surprisingly less complex in flavor than the meatloaf! The loaf was infused with an Indian curry that elevated it beyond just a slab of processed meat and into - no, I can't do it. It was fucking meatloaf. For $15! Here's the thing - now that there's fine dining all over the place, shouldn't competition drive the price of this stuff down? Wilson's decor is dominated by a huge black and white photograph of a burly chef leading a squadron of chefs in morning calisthenics. Clearly Wilson is trying to portray themselves as leaner, meaner, tougher, and fitter than the rest. Shouldn't I get a death match for my quadruple duke? Maybe even a floor show? I used to live two blocks south of the place - there's a whore who lives above the hair salon, or used to anyway. The Chris Market is a bloody Mexican abattoir that hoses pig blood into the sewers nightly. Harper's, the store across the street, sells the clothes of dead street hustlers. And this is where Wilson has put a forty dollar lunch. At this point, unless I'm eating an endangered species like the delicious gold-encrusted lobster or sweetbreads of Care Bear I'm done, done! with the forty dollar lunch for two. Unless someone else is paying.

Woody's Bar-B-Que - barbeque (duh)
(323) 294-9443, 3446 W Slauson Ave, Los Angeles
I was turned on to Woody's first by my mother-in-law whose route to work takes her through the Crenshaw district past all the best barbeque joints in town. Woody's pumps out a smell so good she's tempted to break koshrut for a plate of their meaty goodness. Second was Jonathan Gold's Counter Intelligence, who rates Woody's as his second favorite barbeque in town, just behind Woody's cousin's place, Phillip's. When Phillip's is closed its one day, Woody's jumps to his number one slot. My wife and I were surprised on our first visit that Mr. Gold failed to warn us there aren't any tables; both Woody's and Phillips are take-out only with no nearby picnic benches either. The lines are long but the wait isn't as most of the food has been smoking and simmering all day and is just waiting to be cut and slathered with sauce. Woody's is freakin' outstanding. The pork ribs slide off the bone and have a smoky, savory flavor that is so damn good you'll completely forget about all the parasites pork meat can contain. Their collard greens were actual greens, not hidden under tons of garlic or pork. The chicken links were super tasty and when covered in a mixed mild/spicy sauce still had super flavor combined with kick. The corn bread muffins were dry and unimpressive, but they include two pieces of white bread to mop up their delicious sauce. (It is altogether possible they included the white bread as a racial insult, but I doubt it.) In all truth, J.R.'s is still my hands-down favorite, but Woody's has such a distinctly wonderful taste it's good to have around to keep J.R. on his toes. A half rack of ribs, collard greens with two corn bread muffins, and a pound of chicken links was $30 - steep but 3 could have eaten well for it. One day I'll invite the other two people. (Reviewed May 2006)

X’Otik Kitchen - healthy take-out under $10!
(310) 280-3961, 6121 Washington Blvd., Culver City
We moved to Culver City in 2000, right at the gentrification point. We pay just over $1,000 a month for a two bedroom apartment in a building constructed in the 1970's for Section 8 low income housing. At first the exposed beams and concrete floor was novel, minimalist modern, and the deal of the century. As we discovered that we could hear out neighbors fart, the concrete floor was also the foundation resting directly on the earth, and termites had eaten the walls hollow we realized that our phenomenal deal was only good with a healthy dose of renter's insurance. But we stay because I'm still working at my scripts and my partner has a great job in arts education. The neighborhood changed so quickly around us the house up the street went for over half a million dollars and still needed a hundred thousand in improvements. All that for a two bedroom house on less than a quarter acre, probably 1200 square feet at most. We were delighted when X'Otik Kitchen opened on Washington Blvd., with a menu of quality cuisine coupled with prices to entice those of us still renting. Their cheesy polenta is deeply satisfying as are their spareribs. They also roast a mean chicken. The shawarma plates run $7-$10, while the sandwiches are around $6. A whole chicken is around $9.
www.xotikkitchen.com

Yogurberry
3800 Wilshire Blvd #110F, Los Angeles
Somewhere in North Korea Kim Jong Il is masturbating to Taschen catalogues of Philippe Stark. Squinting mightily behind giant sunglasses the Napoleonic totalitarian dreams of feeding his starving people acidophilus-rich goo in iridescent tiled shops playing musical chairs with plastic Louis XIV ghost chairs while David Lachapelle goes "click click click". For what else explains the explosion of shops serving two kinds of yogurt topped with chopped fruit and breakfast cereal for outrageous margins? Yogurberry is yet another solve of the (NxY)+berry equation, where N= level of tang and Y=perkiness of Korean clerk. The tang here is high, both in flavor and poon. With its proximity to the Wiltern Theater, this is an ideal location for post-concert Asian fetishists. Look out for dwarfish dictators with frequent-buyer cards ordering monochromatic dishes of yogurt+yogurt chips+mochi.
www.yogurberry.com

Zachary's Chicago Pizza - pizza
(510) 655-6385, 5801 College Ave, Oakland, CA
Two weeks ago I flew to Chicago to help drag my friend back to the Beast (pig Latin, kids, figure it out). The only thing I was going to miss about visiting him and his family in Chicago, truth be told, was the pizza. I (heart) Chicago deep dish pizza and until now, Chicago was still the only place to get a great deep dish pie. But now I find Zachary's and I'm in love. Worth the 6 hour drive from Los Angeles to SF, Zachary's completely fulfills my need for a stuffed crust pizza. Weighty, thick, dense with toppings, the sauce is spicy and delicious, the crust crispy yet buttery soft on the inside, and the flavor is marvelous. While Zachary's uses less cheese than the Chicago pies I've had, they excel at taste and combination offerings. The whole wheat crust on their "healthy" pizza was equally as yummy as their standard stuffed crust pie. Tragically, my friend who moved from San Francisco to Chicago and back prefers New York style floppy pizza to Chicago style deep dish goodness. And being married with babies prevents him from the other things the bay area does well: same-sex ass play and liberal sanctimony. It's a good thing he has me to enjoy those things for him. Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

Zankou Chicken
1716 S Sepulveda, Los Angeles
5065 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles
5658 Sepulveda Blvd, Van Nuys
1415 E Colorado St., Glendale
also Pasadena and Anaheim
Sadly, Zankou chicken is not the only great, family owned restaurant whose owners were killed in a grisly bloodbath. But that doesn't take away from the amazing quality of the food! Zankou chicken remains open for business. Their chicken shawarma is damn hard to beat, served in generous portions with tahini, pickled beets, and pita bread. Served by the plate, as a gyro, or on the bone, Zankou chicken is the middle eastern version of El Pollo Loco and both are incredibly satisfying.
www.zankouchicken.com

Zara International
(310) 458-0892, 1338 Third Street (on the Promenade), Santa Monica
I knew nothing of Zara until I went to Greece and everyone - EVERYONE - in Athens was walking around carrying a little blue bag from ZARA. On a whim we went inside and were blown away by the styles and fit of the clothes. My wife is a normal, fit woman with hips and broad shoulders and no implants. Therefore she has an impossible time finding clothing from many stores that actually fit. Not at Zara. Their models skew towards a more European shape than a west coast model, and therefore Zara isn't for every woman. But if you've been annoyed at most of the fashionable stores because you feel somehow misshappen, give Zara a try. The same goes for menswear. I have no need to wear baggy anything. I look best when I wear something that fits. Because of genes and marathon running I have an athletic, long upper torso and average length but muscular legs. To make matters worse, I despise logos on my clothing and I like things to fit. I dress my age and have no need to compete with the myspace crowd. They're fucking idiots, anyway. Nothing more pathetic than thirty year old men wearing Enyce pants and Sean John baggy Polo shirts. And they wonder why they're still single hanging out at Hooters with their backwards baseball caps. Zara is my solution. Their shirts are cut to an athletic fit and their pants are actually pants, not just dresses stitched in the center. Best of all, Zara is incredibly well priced. Much better than other chains like Banana Republic or Anthropologie.